She is a self fulfilling toxic antidote to her twisted self love and can project her narrowed down make believe reality which she assumes people around her will buy. Toxic people become more toxic as they age; there's no antidote to that. And narcissists cannot be fixed, cannot be loved unconditionally, and sometimes cannot be forgiven as they bring upon this on themselves which they are responsible for.
I don't know what my mother-in-law will be answerable for when she meets the creator after her passing? Will she at least then own up to her truths as they are or will she deny being responsible for the immense hurt, sadness, confusion, anxiety, depression, devaluation that she so effortless creates in her environment and acts like the victim on top of that?
She can only be self destructive at best and when sensitive, empathetic people like me and my husband are in her vicinity, then we cannot feel inspired (at least I don't feel so) to learn from her past triumphs and to challenge shortcomings which have been quite many but with her self absorbed, highly critical of others attitude, and intentionally self serving but projecting a good Samaritan aspect, and with a fellow narcissist like my father-in-law who still doesn't take responsibility for his acute shortcomings of providing for his family by being in a steady job which he wasn't in. And it just destabilized my husband and his two younger sisters' lives as well as they were thrust into hunger and poverty (from their early childhood) despite my father-in-law's brothers being in banking jobs and despite their trying to recommend him to apply for banking sector jobs which were relatively easier to get into back then some 5 decades ago. He chose to stick to his private sector work and the company went into a loss shortly and my father-in-law tried locating to another city with his mother, wife and 3 kids which he did but without a proper and set job at hand, he just resorted to self pity and played the victim card that despite being a responsible and care taking son for his mother and other brothers, elder and younger to him, he has had to deal with lack of support from his huge family and just left all alone to fend for himself, which could be partially true, but when having let go work opportunities at the prime of his life due to lack of taking responsibility not just for his life but for putting his wife and 3 young children's life at stake going from pillar to post, he doesn't get the compassion ticket from me at least.
And so here are two toxic parents to my husband, my in laws, who have worked on their public image of being such "caring, self sacrificing, and respectable" people who have unfortunately given up working on themselves truly and have thrived on this public image they created for themselves and have influenced their 3 children to follow and to create guilt traps whenever the children show signs of moving on with their lives - they can never move on, at least my husband can't, given to such spirit sucking conditioning that needs rehabilitation from the soul level for him and I can do only so much.
It pains me when I see him feel agitated to keep trying to make amends to satisfy their this want or that and that's a thankless job at that. What good are such parents who don't outgrow their toxic behavior and have chosen to live off their blessed lives and that of people in them?
What kind of love do we preserve by serving such people anyway? When selfless love which my husband HAD to grow to give which was beyond his age and had no ways to release his frustrations except get sucked more and more into one or another's drama, there's little else left for him except his creativity, his singing, and his advertising work which are truly his life saviours, and also me to an extent (I don't mean to brag) as being self aware as I have strived to work at and self improve is an indirect way for him to look upto and continue to keep working on his awareness levels.
Narcissists are one too many in our environment, families, and all possible relationships that we cannot hide, evade, or go no contact with them - it's not that simple, dealing with narcissists, but working on one's boundaries, channelizing care towards them only when utmost needed, maintaining healthy distance has been my mantra to save my self as well as save my marriage.
What's worse is even my biological mother is a narcissist and so my husband and I are put in such a relationship with each other not just to do all the typical things that every couple does but work on creating a meaningful and memorable life by just being ourselves in it - we are not victims coping up with all the emotional and mental battering that we had received and we still do from time to time from our respective parents, and on some level we need to be emotionally self sufficient and mentally resilient and clear which we both try to be.For the parents' impoverished love and insecurities that they have brought upon themselves, irrespective of improved financials and lifestyle, I do feel sorry for them more as time lost in projecting false realities about themselves and all that image addiction and proving they are better is such a restless and resentful and empty space to be in. And being completely unconscious of it is the consequence of all their narcissistic efforts.
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