Ten Dance

 Ten Dance, a Japanese movie on Netflix is a BL movie which had made waves and still stirs up the interest of many audiences across the globe, is a compelling watch for the efforts put in both acting and dance by the lead pair. As a newbie in watching the homo genre movies/shows, this movie felt raw, loose in plot, and yet captivating for the lead performance of the pair, Ryoma Takeuchi and Keita Machida, who start off being rivals and come together to later fall apart because of their twisted reasons for love, and finally their passion for dance brings them together in the 10 dance format.

The movie was a demonstration for amateur audiences who may not be aware what ten dance competitions look like and kudos to both actors for putting their best foot forward, literally, as they dance to the five International Standard and five international Latin styles which tests the dancers endurance and versatility. 

Ryoma Takeuchi embodies the latin styles of dancing with such carefree spirit and fluidity that it made it a watcher's delight and his performance as much as his looks are a treat to watch. Keita Machida is the other cherry on this bl cake and he's simply kawai and cool and sophistication personified as the world dancing champion in the International Standard format who wants to move up to the first position and constantly pitted against many competent dancers and critics from other regional nationalities.

The chemistry between these actors seemed magnetic and beautiful and even if the story didn't come together as much as their chemistry did, and even for those uninitiated like me in watching bl shows or movies, this movie needs a closure in the sequel, a more nuanced one I hope, which would help audiences understand the unique space they wish to create as characters and not simply exaggerated versions of ambition and unrequited love in an unblended whole.

Opposites do attract, whether they be the opposite sexes or the same, but when motives behind why they(in this movie) behave, react, comply, compete, conflict, empathize and so on the way they do is not clearly outlined in connecting plots of the story narrative, then audiences are only left with absorbing the visual dynamics and unspoken love language which by itself is not enough. Complicated relationships cannot be explained perhaps but bringing together ambition and love as the leading heroes is unique and a space to watch out for.

Empty Vessel

 Living in my own made up lad of friends, conversations, humor, understanding and so much more is my inner space more or less. I am a creator who's vested with the sole rights to create, stretch, live, laugh, get moody and so on in this space that only I can get in and out of. A tunnel of make believe which keeps me company and keeps me in the dark of wanting to connect with real people outside of my make believe which I have never wanted to honestly - this loop of imagination keeps me under the impression that I am just genuine in who I am being whether I talk, or joke, or laugh, whatever that be. I am true to this imaginary world so much so that I don't have much energy, focus, or interest left to want to connect to real people in real ways. I have had a deep yearning to want to be liked for truly who I am but had grown to dislike myself so much, having been under the perfection microscope of a frustrated and expertly criticizing single mother. 

I had let myself go so much so that I lost touch with who I really am - mood, behavior, likes, interests, good days, bad days, highs , lows and so on - someone who's frozen in a mold so much that I had to be loyal or programmed to stay that way because I couldn't care less about how far I had disconnected from myself and didn't realize back then that this was self erosion at best. And why? So that I can survive in such a family which again couldn't care less as long as I met their vague expectations.

I was weak in my resilience to want to be genuine as a person and be assertive in doing so. I resisted - my mother, my mother's family and their intimidating control, coldness, ego, drama, comparisons with other family members in dismissive ways. I resisted - getting close to get to know my true feelings about what I think about all of this at home and how I feel deep down about growing up in such an environment. 

I chose to procrastinate being who I am and the attitudes that I wanted to develop in order to grow as a person. All that has changed quite a bit. But my creating excuses to keep goal setting, trying to push myself to get to some activity that stirs up from within is so lacking and apparent that I have become comfortable with the numb pain that comes with it. Instead I look for motivation on the outside and act as if I am a sponging tool that just can sit through days and years sponging in life, people's activity around her without getting to live what it feels like being just myself in my own natural flow.

My natural flow has become adapting to others, their mindsets, attitudes, behaviors, and so much observation goes into all this that it becomes my survival mechanism - it has been that way for a long time now. But when I feel uncomfortable in thus observing, I withdraw, shut them down, and move my focus away onto other things. I don't like to get involved with people who make me feel uncomfortable in forms that I decipher through my sensing of who they are (sometimes intuitively, sometimes by observing their chain of patterns).

Either I try to want to feel as if I am a very important part in others lives or completely dismiss myself away to the point of avoiding social contact as much possible. So, in essence, my attitude about people, connections with them, trusting them, being empathetic to them are just random acts in my daily life and not a day to day involvement with fellow beings. I am too dismissive of my involvement with others and it's also due to how much I was ignored as a person when growing up in my childhood and how much I was criticized for simply being health wise sensitive by my mother. I had gotten used to a lot of invisibility in short and always figured out ways to stay invisible. 

All these are realized parts of me that cannot be minimized to make it look invisible and for all the namesake living that I had done for a long time, it simply has to be part of my life flow and I am simply allowing it to go. Flowing is just being, sometimes releasing, and at times taking a deep dive to come back up to the surface, to swirl with the loops and patterns and again release  them with the flow - my energy through it all feels mixed, heavy, overwhelming at times, and yet a beautiful, magical churning of sorts that places me back on the center of my core whatever that be - but just empty, still, clogs washed inside out and released feels natural as if all these movements and stillness in my mind and spirit are bringing me home as I tightly hold onto the vessel of life.

Fear has also been a major part to hold onto life, and fear not for getting to the subtle changes and flowing with them which I can discern sometimes but the fact that what was once comfortable and make believe are just that - I can't hold onto them either. It's in getting to know myself deeper, and navigating with the tides that creates a sense of ripples but even that too does pass. 

The more I am in the clear of where I am going and even if I am not at that point of time, but simply trust my journey and the spirit that guides from within is the most secure fastening to life that I can hold onto.

You are precious!

 Fear of uncertainty kept me feeling small, anxious, severely self limiting, and looking up to others for a push ahead. This uncertainty with respect to my health is something I identified with as if an eclipse projecting darkness on the entire sun and its surroundings. I became the eclipse and chose to remain one as if that would be a comfort zone guaranteed for life. Darkness is vague, mindless, goalless, and lacking of motivation to come to light. 

Darkness is a deeply withdrawing energy which sucks the core energy out of the believer who thinks she is keeping safe and trusting this "security" that this stillness/stagnation creates. Resting/pausing until one is really sure is one thing, but not wanting to embrace any movement/life/possibility ahead as I had been so used to pain and wanting to repress pain as much possible a loop of sorts was something I could never let go of. It became a comfort zone and minimizing myself in order to try to fit in with this comfort trap in loop became a compulsion.

This became my life and means to want to justify this mindset by adopting this limited view as my past which kept projecting its heavy presence in my present and a vague feeling of anxiety over my future.

It's like I had learnt unconsciously to let go life by living like this each day and kept waited for the push from outside to help align me with what needs to be done. As much as I did regret, stay angry, and blamed few for this self sabotaging behavior, but the truth is I didn't manage to learn to love myself the way I should have learnt. 

To love myself unapologetically and without any guilt, shame, doubt, or fear are my work in progress and I feel blessed and happy to be able to be present to this realization for now.

And I look forward to many such nows and to work to gather them like pearls lined up in a beautiful chain. Moments such as these are precious beyond any material achievements and professional degrees. And it's you, me, and each of us reading this and more who make this possible.

Let go fear of pain

 Fear of pain is all that I have known all my life. It has been a thick cementing of my personality as if I need to be in fear in order to adapt to my limited idea of self which is not just my knowing but what is projected by my mother on me - a critical, repetitive, verbally abusive mother who belittles me at every drop of my health and that happened quite a lot as I was not good enough for her perfect expectations.

Her being so oblivious to her small mindedness despite her generosity in her giving is a critical understanding for her which she is blind to as she prides in perfecting on her better than anyone else pride and hence cannot see herself truthfully for who she has been, good and bad put together.

The pain of being able to see this clearly eventually broke me from within -  as if a person a person whom I trusted most to mirror my life just broke my delusion of the mirror. As if the pain of wasted love on someone and feeling betrayed for having put up and endured with so much of her criticism was all for my detriment and it didn't support her emotionally in any way, as all she had bothered with was to continue to criticize me and be completely oblivious to my sacrifice and emotional suffocation.

This emotional pain had been numbed in my physical body for so long that my body cried in various forms of pain to help alert me to take action. All I did was again and again endure her criticisms on my health, my body, and came to this conclusion that people whom I trust to love, to expect something from maybe will inevitably hurt me, and that I can curtail my initiative and just take few customary steps and again withdraw.

I was too afraid to trust myself to let go this fear of uncertainty and had an underlying obsession to want to be liked by everyone and when I sense that they don't, then I withdraw some more in my shell, as if by doing this I might save myself from getting hurt.

I pigeonholed myself by thinking I am not worthy of love, attention, respect, and so on, and wanted everyone to see me that way so that I can handle their criticism, their judgement, their comparisons of me with another, their gaslighting and so on as that's what I was used to, and so adapting myself to this limitation, limited belief is all I had gone about doing and being.

To see myself wholly worthy of love, care, forgiveness, kindness, acceptance from myself is such a sore point, like a scab of wound which hurts to admit that it needs self love, self acceptance more than anything in this world, and that I need to uphold a healthy, kind, and a heart centered approach towards myself rather than logicalizing my past hurts and believing them to be true to me, which they are not.

I need to come home more and more to myself as I have the capacity to heal, to hold commitment to receive love from myself, and that I can allow my fear of pain to be set free. I don't have to expect more pain in exchange for pain, and it's alright to just let go this slowly, gently, calmly, one day at a time.

 

Coexisting with ego

Imperfections are our projected ways of defending our delusional ego so that we can seem like we shine and succeed at the cost of the ego's narrative within our heads. Whether the shine and succeed is real or imaginary depends on the ego's strength to be linked in tight and stable with our mind and personality.

Therefore a weak mind could reflect one's weak ego perhaps, and to develop the will to want to be heard, seen, understood, respected are efforts that strengthen that will. 

The control that we had submitted to ego or to a limited sense of perceiving ourselves and self doubting (unhealthy ego) are both two ends of the same pole.

Awareness of our behavior and self control is the opposite of (actual) ego and a purpose for one's life beyond ego is maybe unfathomable as we like to cling to how important we are as people over and above others.

Therefore our purpose is not to defeat our ego but to accept that its presence does not affect us the way it used to. Perfection is regularizing our ego with expectations of better results from ourselves but accepting ourselves with our flaws, negative emotions, vulnerabilities and unpredictable behaviors are some ways to mend our broken definitions about ourselves and to make space for more acceptance of ourselves in our day to day living. Changing others opinions about us does not make a difference, but changing the way we see ourselves sure does create that change in our lives.

Allowing ourselves to just be is enough and perfect in itself. Stop making your body, your health, your mind the recipients of your unrealistic expectations from yourself. Ego can make the unrealistic look logical or even reasonable, and how far do we go to keep alive our false beliefs about ourselves and believing in what others say about us and trying to prove them wrong are the daily handiworks of the triggering ego.

Awareness of how far can ego justify its presence, its validity, its importance depends on how much room we make for it. It's an uninvited guest who enjoys ownership rights without rent and lives off you, your sanity, your peace for free. We need to coexist with it, that's all. 

Blind spots

 The similarity in my fantasies and reality from the past is that I have not allowed for my truth to come out as if I need to safeguard how insecure, underconfident, and powerless I feel and have to project an ideal image as per requirements.

So empty, so directionless, and simply confused on how to take control back in my hands for my life has been a major blind spot in my life, and it's as if I needed to adapt around the blind spot rather than face my truth for what it is. Fantasies and day dreaming don't make anything easier, or more under a namesake control as I get to be the star of my imaginations and display most often than not bold, straightforward, verbally correct sense of expressions. It's rehearsed so many times, the scene of my expression, and spoken by me in various altered mood, behaviour, tone and so on that I make it believable that I need to stay longer in my day dreams so that my lack of taking control of my life in my hands gets justified by being a shadow version in fantasies.

Yes, this is my truth and this is not something that I need to separate myself from from my present reality as embracing everything - the known, unknown, unresolved, confusing, weird, crazy, sad, angry and so much more is part of my being who I am today as much as this was who I was and maybe in a varied version in my past.

The delusion of being something in my fantasies when there's a deep sense of nothing within is confusing to say the least. I have emptied a lot of what was holding back from my past, including these delusions, as I have finally realized that I can allow myself to be who I am without carrying the weight of fantasies, past hurts, unresolved emotions and feelings on my shoulder.

I don't have to punish myself for wasting my time, energy, opportunities etc by bearing the cross but letting it go is the only sane thing that I can try to do. 

At present there's no goals, no set direction of work but just recording, journaling my truths like these as and when they pop up and burst some more bubbles from my life.

I simply have to trust my inner divinity, my will to want to stay committed to deeper self realizations, spiritual connections, and liberations from what doesn't serve me anymore.

Break free from your past bubble

 Don't doubt your inner truths because self doubts influenced by mental conditioning and trauma patterns and adapting to them unconsciously may make you believe that you don't deserve to be receiving the pure, break your bones level of truths which at first rip your heart open, but only to make you aware of how long you have made your mental conditionings your comfort bubble and have lived in them.

In a sense it's to live outside of them, the bubble that you define and compress your entire life experiences in as if minimizing your efforts, struggles and so on makes logic. It doesn't. Not from near or afar, they don't. Living outside of the bubble means to first allow it to break and even if there are many other colorful ones that seem to want to draw you back in them, but it eventually breaks, the weight of your inner truths surpassing the light as air fantasies, imaginations, procrastinations no matter how real they seem.

Even if we separate this as truths and this and that as fantasies, but they all need to be embraced, not criticized, because these very same fantasies and imaginations had made life bearable, lively and for me at least had made my life something to look forward to. Because I preferred living in the bubbles and had the joy and creativity and spontaneity in my head to keep creating and living in them and so much so that they began to own me and became my significant other that gave me the feeling of being seen, being safe, being self confident and so on. And this significant other, my shadow, is part of me and hence true to who I wanted to be.

It's not safe I understand to be stuck in fantasies anymore. It's a very active part of me and I may not shut it down completely, but fantasies are creatures of flight and they cannot be expected to bear the real responsibility of living a life as I am responsible to live and not entirely live through fantasies. 

I wish to step into becoming more and more natural and genuine to my skin, to my thoughts, emotions and feelings and just shed the layers of acquired heavy past traumas which simply block me. And no amount of fantasies can soften the hurts from emotional neglect and past traumas, but it doesn't heal anything either and just mimics the pain as if I am in control of them and being all confident and bold - because my pain is lack of self confidence and simply fantasizing that I am self confident is just rubbing salt to my inner wounds.

Allowing myself to be is the start of healing, and willing for the healing to happen is putting more focused efforts to create a healthy bond with myself and not self abandon and neglect. Enduring others criticisms in order to seek validation is not part of my programming in order to cope up and survive with them. It's really not worth it to take anything and internalize within beyond a certain limit.

I am responsible for my life and I take control of my life in my hands for today and the days to come.