Be true to loving yourself

The pain of facing my truth was far greater and more overwhelming than expected. It was not a matter of pride anymore that I too can face my truths and be truthful as if to prove to my intuition which came up with a whispering "I am not being true". What a joke! How far away from my real self I had gone away from was the bitter truth and no matter how much I try and divert my attention, binge watch shows, and try to numb my feelings, it won't just go away. 

The discovery of real pain was the unknown and the pseudo one that had physical weakness and regular migraines written all over it was just the layer that covered the actual pain which I had begun to discover post my intuitive wake up call to be true to myself. Not that my bodily pains were fake from any angle, but the 'used to it' feeling and also having to adapt to my mother's limited ways of seeing and understanding me was also a non support support that I had to painfully resign myself to no matter how much I tried to repress it all under fake positivity. 

I just couldn't bring myself to talk about all this with anyone because I felt too small, almost to the point of feeling invisible and just had to merge with a crowd of family members and with friends, I had to just be on the listening end as if to drown my sadness away in prioritizing their problems and simply minimizing mine as nothing and silencing them. Not that any friend noticed my doing so as all that they cared for was to be vocal about their issues no matter how small or trivial it maybe. 

I was so defined by my health problems that I began to identify myself as powerless but kept it repressed as if I was giving the image of perseverance. But in truth I persevered to try to be as disconnected with myself as possible and projected some intellectual image of intelligence, humility, skill and so on. I had no pride in who I was nor in what I did. The loop had to be maintained and that was to minimize myself as much possible, and that was because of the deep seated disappointment in myself and also guilt that I could be of no use to my mother except being a bodily weak person who constantly fell sick. 

My resilience to want to build a strong real persona was so lacking that I conveniently hid this under the physical weakness aspect. I didn't see any point I guess to want to unearth my inner strength and want to believe in that and build a more truthful and honest relationship with myself. No action, no self love, no goals, no passion, no compelling ego, no vision for future, just nothing. And to unearth all these truths one by one or in whatever random order that it came up in simply stirred, angered, and broke me a lot. It was the real pain after all and having found another hiding mechanism as in watching shows, movies, instead of hiding under physical weakness as I had done earlier, I have to come face to face with this aspect of myself that I can't forever create some kind of escape outlets or the other in order to not feel my real emotions, feelings, and experience life deeply. The more I have abandoned my life earlier as a child and much later as a grown up even, that much deeper my quest to want to connect with all aspects of myself as some sort of redemption. Not that the lost phases of time, experiences, connections with more people can be redeemed, but this is my life given to me. 

How much of a loss I am at in avoiding living and taking control of doing so is all on me. 

And that's why the need to want to attach, merge, connect or whatever with Lord Muruga so much as if to make up for all the pains of having lost out on living due to an ill programmed understanding and weak attitude towards living put together -  I don't know if I have any strength left in me as it's an empty space that has no scope for filling it up with whatever I might have wanted back then but couldn't acquire or manifest, and so the limitations mirror with a thousand refractions as if to reflect the life that I had been living in all along which is again one of the ways deeper truths show up. 

When one's core truths pass through fears, anxieties, obsessions, and so many more diversions, they hide the light they so wish to throw light on. And I am glad I am able to see this light for what it is even if it reveals a very vulnerable side in me. 

Everything seems interconnected now. No matter how far away from my reality I might have gone away from, the path back to my truth or truths is through these lies, these half truths, and self limiting beliefs that I had held onto. This releasing, purging, and recalibrating frequency has been a full on arc, a very important pathway to meet my truths slowly, sometimes suddenly, and to embrace all this with kindness has been hard, but it's work in progress. Because I am so used to minimizing myself as if rejecting myself so much so to the point of numbing and wanting to be invisible that all these attitudes towards myself is something I need to work on. 

Self love is not hard, but the layers of past conditionings that make you believe that you are not worth it is the hardest to break free and to let to of as that's the closest to our "truth" that we have assumed ourselves to be. As love had to be earned from someone outside, it was always deficit, and I deeply believed that I am not worth being loved for who I am. And when this core belief begins to get shaken up, you are left with only yourself to hold on to in order to heal this belief, and heal it with love. Because the amount of self criticisms that I had rallied on against myself is so ingrained and so habitual that it's almost cruel. 

To see love for myself die as if it's some lifeless object that is defective, powerless, and guilty is the most cruel that I can be towards myself and I had been living in a self imprisoned life sentence of sorts as if to bear the weight of this burden till my last breath, and this unfolding of this burden that came to light as my truth was a lot to bear. It simply crushed me. 

I am glad that I am able to recognize and release it as I journal it now through this blog. 

Two Pillars

Protection and criticism were the two pillars that I went running to and back in order to justify my journey. These two kept me bound and small and made me assume that I need to be alright with criticism from my mother and her overbearing protection of me in order to justify my love for her. It felt heavy, this signing up to be confined to being so contracted and yet blindly doing so like a programmed puppet who's oblivious to her mental fog and emotional handicap.

Keeping myself on the hindsight and losing focus on what truly matters to me and my growth as a person was simply self destructive at best. And cutting myself off the tied ropes to these pillars was blocked by my unwillingness and lack of integrity and honesty with myself and my feelings. 

And when my intuition whispered out loud in the middle of the night in 2019, I had to wake up to face the "I am not being true" flash message. It upset my carefully constructed tower of lies which was stubbornly rooted in my broken ego, arrogance, and repressions for over many years till then. I tried to deep dive to unearth my truths as if I wanted to disprove my intuition itself and prove it wrong! But the more I navigated, the more I lost sight of the roots that had held onto my limiting beliefs and this sinking feeling in the depth of my lies, hurts, betrayals, anger, sadness and so many unresolved emotions was the new root albeit on a bed of thorns it seemed then.

The path to one's truth(s) is not a straight line connected by one's logic, and all the inner criticism that followed one truthful realization after the other didn't help me sit comfortably with my past and derailed me to look forward to anything that I was connected to no matter however creative I might be.

To unlearn what you held close to your heart as real protection and security were disrupted from the core as I had to learn to let go out of sheer brokenness my mother's influenced concepts which cocooned my real growth as a person. 

The path of slow, tiny steps to one's flight and freeing from the heaviness of it all naturally and gradually became really important. The layers of false, limiting beliefs cannot be the substitutes for a safe cocoon and in its dilution and letting go, I was disillusioned with the concept of bonding with your family and trusting them for emotional support.

Divine intervention, guidance, blessing and so on may all mean the same, but when they appear at its designated time according to His will, it changes your life for good for real and that's irreversibly true. I felt the impact of this change within me as if a tool has been woken up to get readied, sharpened or refined for self protection and this is what Lord Muruga (My God and my all) has done with my life. His compassion on the face of my so many challenges seemed impossible to ignore and a daily bond as if venting, sharing, and confessing to Him became my habit. 

His lotus like two feet rests on my inner world no matter how murky, or still ridden with blocks it may be. These two new found pillars are completely trustworthy and for lifetimes to come and are like my parents, His two feet, which promise to protect and love, as I have taken baby steps to hold onto them. 

Ten Dance

 Ten Dance, a Japanese movie on Netflix is a BL movie which had made waves and still stirs up the interest of many audiences across the globe, is a compelling watch for the efforts put in both acting and dance by the lead pair. As a newbie in watching the homo genre movies/shows, this movie felt raw, loose in plot, and yet captivating for the lead performance of the pair, Ryoma Takeuchi and Keita Machida, who start off being rivals and come together to later fall apart because of their twisted reasons for love, and finally their passion for dance brings them together in the 10 dance format.

The movie was a demonstration for amateur audiences who may not be aware what ten dance competitions look like and kudos to both actors for putting their best foot forward, literally, as they dance to the five International Standard and five international Latin styles which tests the dancers endurance and versatility. 

Ryoma Takeuchi embodies the latin styles of dancing with such carefree spirit and fluidity that it made it a watcher's delight and his performance as much as his looks are a treat to watch. Keita Machida is the other cherry on this bl cake and he's simply kawai and cool and sophistication personified as the world dancing champion in the International Standard format who wants to move up to the first position and constantly pitted against many competent dancers and critics from other regional nationalities.

The chemistry between these actors seemed magnetic and beautiful and even if the story didn't come together as much as their chemistry did, and even for those uninitiated like me in watching bl shows or movies, this movie needs a closure in the sequel, a more nuanced one I hope, which would help audiences understand the unique space they wish to create as characters and not simply exaggerated versions of ambition and unrequited love in an unblended whole.

Opposites do attract, whether they be the opposite sexes or the same, but when motives behind why they(in this movie) behave, react, comply, compete, conflict, empathize and so on the way they do is not clearly outlined in connecting plots of the story narrative, then audiences are only left with absorbing the visual dynamics and unspoken love language which by itself is not enough. Complicated relationships cannot be explained perhaps but bringing together ambition and love as the leading heroes is unique and a space to watch out for.

Empty Vessel

 Living in my own made up lad of friends, conversations, humor, understanding and so much more is my inner space more or less. I am a creator who's vested with the sole rights to create, stretch, live, laugh, get moody and so on in this space that only I can get in and out of. A tunnel of make believe which keeps me company and keeps me in the dark of wanting to connect with real people outside of my make believe which I have never wanted to honestly - this loop of imagination keeps me under the impression that I am just genuine in who I am being whether I talk, or joke, or laugh, whatever that be. I am true to this imaginary world so much so that I don't have much energy, focus, or interest left to want to connect to real people in real ways. I have had a deep yearning to want to be liked for truly who I am but had grown to dislike myself so much, having been under the perfection microscope of a frustrated and expertly criticizing single mother. 

I had let myself go so much so that I lost touch with who I really am - mood, behavior, likes, interests, good days, bad days, highs , lows and so on - someone who's frozen in a mold so much that I had to be loyal or programmed to stay that way because I couldn't care less about how far I had disconnected from myself and didn't realize back then that this was self erosion at best. And why? So that I can survive in such a family which again couldn't care less as long as I met their vague expectations.

I was weak in my resilience to want to be genuine as a person and be assertive in doing so. I resisted - my mother, my mother's family and their intimidating control, coldness, ego, drama, comparisons with other family members in dismissive ways. I resisted - getting close to get to know my true feelings about what I think about all of this at home and how I feel deep down about growing up in such an environment. 

I chose to procrastinate being who I am and the attitudes that I wanted to develop in order to grow as a person. All that has changed quite a bit. But my creating excuses to keep goal setting, trying to push myself to get to some activity that stirs up from within is so lacking and apparent that I have become comfortable with the numb pain that comes with it. Instead I look for motivation on the outside and act as if I am a sponging tool that just can sit through days and years sponging in life, people's activity around her without getting to live what it feels like being just myself in my own natural flow.

My natural flow has become adapting to others, their mindsets, attitudes, behaviors, and so much observation goes into all this that it becomes my survival mechanism - it has been that way for a long time now. But when I feel uncomfortable in thus observing, I withdraw, shut them down, and move my focus away onto other things. I don't like to get involved with people who make me feel uncomfortable in forms that I decipher through my sensing of who they are (sometimes intuitively, sometimes by observing their chain of patterns).

Either I try to want to feel as if I am a very important part in others lives or completely dismiss myself away to the point of avoiding social contact as much possible. So, in essence, my attitude about people, connections with them, trusting them, being empathetic to them are just random acts in my daily life and not a day to day involvement with fellow beings. I am too dismissive of my involvement with others and it's also due to how much I was ignored as a person when growing up in my childhood and how much I was criticized for simply being health wise sensitive by my mother. I had gotten used to a lot of invisibility in short and always figured out ways to stay invisible. 

All these are realized parts of me that cannot be minimized to make it look invisible and for all the namesake living that I had done for a long time, it simply has to be part of my life flow and I am simply allowing it to go. Flowing is just being, sometimes releasing, and at times taking a deep dive to come back up to the surface, to swirl with the loops and patterns and again release  them with the flow - my energy through it all feels mixed, heavy, overwhelming at times, and yet a beautiful, magical churning of sorts that places me back on the center of my core whatever that be - but just empty, still, clogs washed inside out and released feels natural as if all these movements and stillness in my mind and spirit are bringing me home as I tightly hold onto the vessel of life.

Fear has also been a major part to hold onto life, and fear not for getting to the subtle changes and flowing with them which I can discern sometimes but the fact that what was once comfortable and make believe are just that - I can't hold onto them either. It's in getting to know myself deeper, and navigating with the tides that creates a sense of ripples but even that too does pass. 

The more I am in the clear of where I am going and even if I am not at that point of time, but simply trust my journey and the spirit that guides from within is the most secure fastening to life that I can hold onto.

You are precious!

 Fear of uncertainty kept me feeling small, anxious, severely self limiting, and looking up to others for a push ahead. This uncertainty with respect to my health is something I identified with as if an eclipse projecting darkness on the entire sun and its surroundings. I became the eclipse and chose to remain one as if that would be a comfort zone guaranteed for life. Darkness is vague, mindless, goalless, and lacking of motivation to come to light. 

Darkness is a deeply withdrawing energy which sucks the core energy out of the believer who thinks she is keeping safe and trusting this "security" that this stillness/stagnation creates. Resting/pausing until one is really sure is one thing, but not wanting to embrace any movement/life/possibility ahead as I had been so used to pain and wanting to repress pain as much possible a loop of sorts was something I could never let go of. It became a comfort zone and minimizing myself in order to try to fit in with this comfort trap in loop became a compulsion.

This became my life and means to want to justify this mindset by adopting this limited view as my past which kept projecting its heavy presence in my present and a vague feeling of anxiety over my future.

It's like I had learnt unconsciously to let go life by living like this each day and kept waited for the push from outside to help align me with what needs to be done. As much as I did regret, stay angry, and blamed few for this self sabotaging behavior, but the truth is I didn't manage to learn to love myself the way I should have learnt. 

To love myself unapologetically and without any guilt, shame, doubt, or fear are my work in progress and I feel blessed and happy to be able to be present to this realization for now.

And I look forward to many such nows and to work to gather them like pearls lined up in a beautiful chain. Moments such as these are precious beyond any material achievements and professional degrees. And it's you, me, and each of us reading this and more who make this possible.

Let go fear of pain

 Fear of pain is all that I have known all my life. It has been a thick cementing of my personality as if I need to be in fear in order to adapt to my limited idea of self which is not just my knowing but what is projected by my mother on me - a critical, repetitive, verbally abusive mother who belittles me at every drop of my health and that happened quite a lot as I was not good enough for her perfect expectations.

Her being so oblivious to her small mindedness despite her generosity in her giving is a critical understanding for her which she is blind to as she prides in perfecting on her better than anyone else pride and hence cannot see herself truthfully for who she has been, good and bad put together.

The pain of being able to see this clearly eventually broke me from within -  as if a person a person whom I trusted most to mirror my life just broke my delusion of the mirror. As if the pain of wasted love on someone and feeling betrayed for having put up and endured with so much of her criticism was all for my detriment and it didn't support her emotionally in any way, as all she had bothered with was to continue to criticize me and be completely oblivious to my sacrifice and emotional suffocation.

This emotional pain had been numbed in my physical body for so long that my body cried in various forms of pain to help alert me to take action. All I did was again and again endure her criticisms on my health, my body, and came to this conclusion that people whom I trust to love, to expect something from maybe will inevitably hurt me, and that I can curtail my initiative and just take few customary steps and again withdraw.

I was too afraid to trust myself to let go this fear of uncertainty and had an underlying obsession to want to be liked by everyone and when I sense that they don't, then I withdraw some more in my shell, as if by doing this I might save myself from getting hurt.

I pigeonholed myself by thinking I am not worthy of love, attention, respect, and so on, and wanted everyone to see me that way so that I can handle their criticism, their judgement, their comparisons of me with another, their gaslighting and so on as that's what I was used to, and so adapting myself to this limitation, limited belief is all I had gone about doing and being.

To see myself wholly worthy of love, care, forgiveness, kindness, acceptance from myself is such a sore point, like a scab of wound which hurts to admit that it needs self love, self acceptance more than anything in this world, and that I need to uphold a healthy, kind, and a heart centered approach towards myself rather than logicalizing my past hurts and believing them to be true to me, which they are not.

I need to come home more and more to myself as I have the capacity to heal, to hold commitment to receive love from myself, and that I can allow my fear of pain to be set free. I don't have to expect more pain in exchange for pain, and it's alright to just let go this slowly, gently, calmly, one day at a time.

 

Coexisting with ego

Imperfections are our projected ways of defending our delusional ego so that we can seem like we shine and succeed at the cost of the ego's narrative within our heads. Whether the shine and succeed is real or imaginary depends on the ego's strength to be linked in tight and stable with our mind and personality.

Therefore a weak mind could reflect one's weak ego perhaps, and to develop the will to want to be heard, seen, understood, respected are efforts that strengthen that will. 

The control that we had submitted to ego or to a limited sense of perceiving ourselves and self doubting (unhealthy ego) are both two ends of the same pole.

Awareness of our behavior and self control is the opposite of (actual) ego and a purpose for one's life beyond ego is maybe unfathomable as we like to cling to how important we are as people over and above others.

Therefore our purpose is not to defeat our ego but to accept that its presence does not affect us the way it used to. Perfection is regularizing our ego with expectations of better results from ourselves but accepting ourselves with our flaws, negative emotions, vulnerabilities and unpredictable behaviors are some ways to mend our broken definitions about ourselves and to make space for more acceptance of ourselves in our day to day living. Changing others opinions about us does not make a difference, but changing the way we see ourselves sure does create that change in our lives.

Allowing ourselves to just be is enough and perfect in itself. Stop making your body, your health, your mind the recipients of your unrealistic expectations from yourself. Ego can make the unrealistic look logical or even reasonable, and how far do we go to keep alive our false beliefs about ourselves and believing in what others say about us and trying to prove them wrong are the daily handiworks of the triggering ego.

Awareness of how far can ego justify its presence, its validity, its importance depends on how much room we make for it. It's an uninvited guest who enjoys ownership rights without rent and lives off you, your sanity, your peace for free. We need to coexist with it, that's all.