Regulation reset through presence

 Choosing distraction was a way for me to keep staying in disconnection mode. Maybe because I never knew earlier what staying connected with me really looked like, and also wanted to stay distracted after realizing this truth after years of staying disconnected with myself (no matter what means I chose to do so) was extremely painful. The fact that I chose to live outside of myself and didn't feel like my body, my life was/is a safe space to belong to was showing up as my repeated pattern of survival and not living.

The vacuum of living disconnected with oneself and not having enough clarity to express how deeply sad and disorienting it is, as if the the motivation to live is replaced with helplessness of living and no other choice but to endure or persevere with this is a dark space which I have become aware of and released/releasing this as and when it shows up.

Time seems to have become fluid as there's no dense energy or lessening of dense energy around painful memories locked in time. Energy to be as and how I can be on a given day is what has come up rather than performing for others in order to fit in to their expectations and projections. 

Earlier my life seemed like a trauma owing to my mother's way of wanting to see me as an extension to her and since she had passive anger around my father's sudden passing, she kept her wound alive by rubbing it on me. And therefore my getting hurt seemed secondary as her vocalizing about her shock/trauma/anger/frustration and everything in short about her entitled expectation from her life partner was met with disappointment and she needed me in order to blame, shame, and project on me as if I am supposed to be her extension and that extension should act according to her control but disguised under over protection of me. Over protection doesn't mean more love but more control in order to make me worth her time and money. And I repeatedly tried to fit with this extension mold not knowing that I was going farther away from my self. 

This shedding of all these thickened layers of survival skins I had worn and forced in to fit as I was simply not ready to face the naked truth about who I am without all of these "protective" gears which simply disempowered me. 

And so living oblivious to my real needs, reality, feelings, emotions and so on was like a default pattern to stay distracted and ignorant about being true to myself, and to salvage that I had kept trying to mentally use up all my energy in figuring a way out to come together through books, writing, art and so on. Giving in to my mother's repeated criticisms over my health, sensitivity and her repeating of her traumas over having lost my father, and my giving up on willing to stand up for myself no matter what, kept me under the survival shadow for so long that the darkness started to get uncomfortable, and I had to crawl or inch my way out gradually until I couldn't convince myself that I need to live adapting to my limitations (body) and suppress my emotions as a way of coping up instead of really living. 

This dysregulation had to be dealt with head on through the nervous system regulation reset and has been a blessing in disguise, whatever health issue that had recently showed up, and despite it's being present I chose to continue to be on the  nervous system regulation path until the end of the program that I had signed up for. The will to be present for myself is the most beautiful takeaway for me from this reset, and this was not at all comfortable but truly timely and needed. 

Choosing visibility

 Abandoning myself has been the safest way to remain invisible. As long as I adapt to other people's expectations, be listening to them when they whine, complain, or criticize, I need to be that listener for them and give in my boundaries, my space, my time, energy, and attention as if I don't deserve to have any of it myself. As if I need to seek permission from others or not even allow myself to think that I have a separate say in who I am and what I wish to do. 

Obedience was the most convenient concept and a self imposed limitation on me to contract and try to fit into that mold so much so that I lose sight of who I am individually. I have carried the weight of others expectations, their emotions, and their happiness mainly (my mother mainly in this context) as if I am just an extension to her and cannot be thinking of claiming rights for my own happiness and have a say on it. It's like a huge feeling of helplessness which I felt was blocked and wrongly identified with as my body and since I was made to feel weak, too sensitive by my mother and her criticisms and frustrations, I ended up believing that I am weak and that I will keep needing her support even if that means being criticized and shamed by her regularly - I felt I had no choice since I had no one else other than her whom I could say cared for me.

Others in the family couldn't care less and my aunts and uncles were too preoccupied and full of their egos and frustrations themselves that I acutely felt unseen, unloved, and scarcely cared for by them and was often made to feel the receiving end of their volatile emotions and moods. I again chose to hide, wanted to be invisible in my own world fantasies, and completely repressing all of these emotional insecurities that I faced at home with people like these who couldn't care less.

Hiding myself under so many layers of sadness, feelings of abandonment, and having to feel obligated to "should" and "should not" mode of restricting myself so that I don't upset them further. And thereby I limited my reaching out to receive support/advice/talking it out with others as I didn't want to be a  burden on them as I was made to feel like that by my mother who would get fearful, overwhelmed, bitter, and emotionally distant and body shamed me as no matter what I did was not enough for her and so felt at unease having to ask for any kind of support or guidance from any other elder in the family. 

Not allowing for myself the freedom of self expression was one major withdrawing away into suppression that I continued to fit myself into and to the point of being so dishonest with my feelings and experiences. 

Discover True Love through Thirupugazh

 Thirupugazh is not simply a Tamizh poetic compositions dedicated to Lord Murugan but is a beautiful reality depicting the cosmic universe within and outside of the Lord. Just as the shiny stars from afar dotting the vast shadows of the evening and night sky shine in their own unique light, the same way our inner truths, realizations of our ignorance, and wisdom gleaned from the truths deeply felt and resonated with are the stars that shine above the web of shadows of our mind and old programs/influences. Both cannot be separated but they stand unique and distinct in their own nature as if depicting that it's always light over darkness because darkness is simply a huge canvas set against the backdrop for light of stars to shine through. 

The focus then remains on the  stars, captivated by their presence,  their alignment, and their coming together to complete the picture above and as if mirroring our inner world within each of us. As we choose and allow ourselves to step into the truth of our selves, of who we are, flowing through blocks and barriers that make way eventually as the brokenness of our lies, our ego, our personality that we justify is owing to our success and wanting to prove a point or two to others with that, gets all torn apart as pieces of an old mirror. We cannot stitch ourselves back into the fabric of our old patterns no matter what we project from the past, it just simply stands out and cannot glue us back into our old selves, which is a relief and a painful or uncomfortable transformation in short.

Saint Arunagirinathar is that unique and brightest shining star who leads the way even in the midst of a thick blanket of darkness to open the heart and mind and who seek to follow with their soul. His gems in writing are vast, so purely honest and true in his devotion to Lord Muruga that the poems/sonnets written by him become the opening portal for the lost, the confused, the helpless amongst us to seek refuge. 

As our own inner darkness threatens/challenges to engulf us, Arunagirinathar's love for Muruga  becomes the bridge to cross this unknown space in us which is equally vast like the night sky.

Truly, love does find a way and it brightens the path like a flicker of hope, like a sudden idea to nudge us towards clarity, like perseverance against odds, like reassuring support when feeling helpless, and letting go of our old patterns and twisted or spiraling pathways to find our way back into discovering our real, true inner strengths. Because loving ourselves doesn't need a reason as love simply is the reason and finding that love for ourselves and for the higher energy within us is what divine poems/hymns like Thirupugazh teaches us.

It's time for the shift in you!!!

 There's always a season, a time for things to be the way they are. They seem like that will be the way forever, but it isn't. Time is not static, linear, or simply proportionate to one's emotions, feelings, and experiences. Time feels like it has stopped when there seems to that one conclusive moment that feels so interconnected with the past and the present and no worries whatsoever about the future arises, and there's another when time feels frozen, static as if there's no energy left in it to be moving, flowing, and it feels stuck in the mind, in the body, in survival mode.

We learn to survive our variations of times and our association with it is owing to our relative feelings that we might be feeling at that point of time and so our association with our memories seem timeless, as if it can be retrieved or it cannot be forgotten no matter what, depending upon the emotions it evokes within us while recollecting it. 

Do we adapt to our growth as a human being in our given span of time or can we say we live, we mature to grow, not live to survive from time to time until we die. Death is anyways inevitable, but aliveness in a person need not die at the cost of living one's patterns day in and day out and justifying it as everyday routine. 

We need routines but if we keep adapting to our victimhood versions of ourselves from our past, then we make our entire life and existence seem small as if there's nothing more to life than just adapting to playing small, feeling wronged, spreading toxicity and bitterness, jealousy, hatred on others disguised as vulnerability and weakness.

Nothing can bring back lost opportunities and lost time to make the past things right. We can only try to set right how attached we are still to our past and loosen its grip on us, if we allow it to happen and step into truer versions of ourselves one day at a time.

Time is not a mirror that should reflect our expectations from life. Time is presence of one's energy from one moment to another. The heaviness or lightness that that particular moment in time that's frozen is what needs to be addressed. Not relived as if time has stopped and life is supposed to adapt by itself in order to put us back in a harmonious flow in sync with our resources, support and life situations. Because life continues even if our time on earth dies. 

So, live without regrets, without shame, or blaming others. What you gift yourself in return is the freedom of being true to yourself and loving yourself for it. Because your self expression is not separate from you - it's an all new you way of seeing yourself and feeling good about it because you deserve it. Because you only live once as yourself in this lifetime. 

 I am thankful to my body, to my mind, my spirit for being so supportive of me. I am beginning to learn to value it to honor it for what level and how in depth their services have been towards running my life. And this honoring and acknowledging this truth that my body is where I am centered in and the heart that holds all the aliveness and emotions for life, for feelings, for experiences is where my balance and my expansion also lies. 

I am a work in progress towards being true to my feelings and honest self expressions in all that I am and all that I do. Thank you God/Lord Muruga for giving me this opportunity for expressing my gratitude to you.

Trust in life's abundance, trust in your growth

 To trust in my ability to be grounded, healthy, calm, and mindful is a beautiful affirmation for me that I wish to read and absorb into. To release all those limiting beliefs which made more and more room for a diluted concept of me as if there's no meaning whatsoever in my life and experiences (is what made me deviate and get stuck with old patterns) which decayed my scope of learning from my life experiences.

Meaning comes when I allow myself to receive the abundance of life that the creator  has already blessed in His many forms and shapes in my life and to develop awareness of it despite certain challenges that may happen time and again to test my sense of commitment to be true to my self and my faith to the higher energy from within.

The open hearted trust to believe in life's abundance (rather than focus in a narrowed down way my limitations (whatever they be) and to keep wanting to adapt to them so that I can survive) is my shift now.

To trust the universe is kind, giving, and reciprocates to the intentions of your heart and soul is the matrix that we are living in now. So, be kind to yourself, speak and act lovingly to yourself. We are part of this huge universal vessel which is perfect and complete in its own way. Just being your natural, real, true self mirrors this to the universe as it adds to the fabric and life of the universe (we are parts of the whole) which is all permeating.

From dark womb to cosmic light

 Our mothers become the reasons through whom we come to see this world, to experience this life. The bond between mother and child, the first relationship for the child towards love, purity, belonging, is the basis or reason for the child to want to stay alive and navigate his/her given life through his mother, the primordial connection to earth and all beings that he might encounter there.

It seems as if the pain of separation from the creator is eased somewhat assumingly when the world around is seen by the child through the lens of his mother in the infant stages. Maybe the reason for the child to wake up, walk, laugh, eat, cry, and so much more is to take baby steps into living his life by falling down and picking himself up until it becomes a habit in the later years of his life.

There comes a time for some of us when life can feel heavy because of all the blocks that one might have picked up assuming that living around it is what life is all about it - emotional, psychological blocks around survival, safety, inclusivity if heavily trauma ridden and not realized and released can make the path back home a pretty bumpy ride.

The path back home is when life comes full circle to remind us that the actual journey begins here beyond the literal physical age, body, and its limitations and not in the number of days trying to survive and get looped into the push-pull dynamics of life karmically.

Although one's karmic account cannot be set aside as that becomes a marking point to start the journey back to where we came from, whichever cosmic space it maybe. There's no rush to get there as we are inevitably getting there one day at a time. But a sense of relief does come when I personally feel that pains, pressures, tensions, frustrations, small joys, simple reasons for happiness, indulging impulsively in luxuries, and other sensory oriented pleasures, and so much more shall also pass. 

To live each day as of it's the last day of your life does ring true because no one knows when the last day might be. Fear is then not needed in order to want to resist this truth. 

We have to learn as long we are here to play well. Be a sport and play, fall, pick up, leap, pause, wander, come back, refocus and it just goes on until our last breath. All that heaviness in our hearts to want to grapple and make sense of our traumas and blocks is at last a channel, a means to move forward with life as life that's given by the creator is supportive whenever it's truly needed for us and for our higher good. 

From the dark womb to the cosmic light, our journey is beautiful, unique, mysterious, and a stop gap path until we are made ready by the innumerable factors, some seen and unseen, our own choices, and divine energies guiding us to get back home safe.

We cannot be escapists meandering in life without purpose, but to try to live well with whatever means in our hands possible is the first in the list. To get more clear, goal oriented and focused with ample grounding is another aspect that I am currently working on, and strive for balance, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually is another hidden goal and aspect that's work in progress.

From one choice point to another, our lives are contained, chaotic, cathartic, as well as enlightening.