All these are something I am getting used now to as I had lived all along in emotional numbness and constant guilt for not being good enough for people in my environment from back then. The self esteem and self doubt became such day to day limiting beliefs that I had been practicing unconsciously that I didn't know that I was stressed almost always deep down to prove myself right owing to all these self negating conditionings that deeply hurt my sense of self and kept me feeling stuck and sad for having a life but not knowing how to live it even if I be provided with all material things.
And such a living is owing to learning from my environment from early childhood that I should not disappoint my mother and frustrate her or worry her as she is a single parent and she is working on compassionate ground in a government sector at a clerical level, and that she is traveling a considerable distance to go all the way to buy me stuff to keep me comfortable. Specially I need to watch out for whenever I have bouts of migraine headaches which felt like walking on egg shells as I was bound to frustrate my mother and what with her being a widow and having delivered me after my father's passing on top of that playing heavily as a narrative at the back of my mind which kept me frozen in my guilt as the headaches came and went quite regularly as often as my mother's irritable emotional rumination about being all by herself and having to balance her job and a "weak" child - she framed me in that defined space repeatedly whenever I had health issues and made me second guess on trusting my body and going with the flow of my innate energies that I never tuned in to as the frozenness was so entrenched in me that I became unconscious of how much it's blocking my wanting to move on ahead and work on it.
I just felt boredom from time to time as the stuck energy was not being released in some form of art or talk or work that feels right for me - it almost felt as if I am just occupying a person's body but not feeling alive enough to manifest my life into reality in whatever ways that I can. Maybe my inner child was forced to accept this as her reality and she was not ready to allow me(adult me) to move on as her core freedom of being innocent, enthusiastic, doing what pleases her, and figuring out what she likes, dislikes etc were just fleeting moments in her life as she felt she "had" to encompass amidst all the confusion and overwhelm in her mind and heart that she needs to "feel" responsible to make her mother feel alright, and for all that the mother voices out that she is doing for her child in frustration, is criticism, is self pitying helplessness whenever the child is falling sick or is not alright- the child has to feel doubly guilty for reminding her mother of her tragic past by being so much like her father as well as being a bother for being a weak child (which is not consciously spoken by the mother but implied).
And so, my inner child is not a third person narrative as I may have put above, but very much embraced and part of my life and it's by empathizing with her that I can truly learn to move on and it's work in progress..
So, don't suppress your inner child and don't get stuck with unresolved emotions either is my understanding and realization after having gone through quite an inner conflict, but the truth shall always set us free as it feels freeing now to acknowledge these past hurts and blocks and just letting them go slowly.
Protect your inner child. Keep her voice alive. Because the body and the mind do not always grow together and it's the inner child who helps us grow and also sometimes to fall back on her to keep one simple, silly, and just trusting herself if the feeling of emotional safety and security (more than any other material comfort) that she can instinctively feel connected to is provided in her family environment, and failing which as in my case, I chose to work on being true to myself, connect to my inner child from time to time, journal, meditate, sit in silence or go on walks, observe nature, draw, color, buy uniquely artistic souvenirs that are affordable and appease my aesthetic sense, and just keep away from toxic people and emotionally draining environment, and connecting to my beloved Lord Muruga which is last but not the least.
The release of fears and deep seated beliefs for the inner child happens when you learn to be kind and loving to yourself and stay true to this process. Because living is a process of learning and unlearning and unless you think simple and cut down on ruminations, over thinking, and cutting down on excessive thoughts and inner conflicts, unless this shift to a new process of becoming doesn't unfold, we are bound to feel stuck and will feel misunderstood.
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