Pushing past pain...

 Pain has always been a huge blocking fence that I used as a defense to not outgrow and kept to the limits of the space that pain confined me to.

Whether numbing my emotions and creating an emotional void within myself or giving in with weak self discipline to toxic self destructive habits, I used pain as an excuse and blamed my body for being so sensitive and uncooperative to what I expected it to do and also blamed my mother for her wanting to pushing her way into my life without respecting my boundaries to protect me.

Pain has been my everyday goto and craving for it somewhere so that I can belong to the limited space that I try to put myself into. Why? That's so that I can state this reason in order to not change and also not work towards future as pain has been made to be my constant as per my programming and it would get "uncomfortable" if I were to change that. Go figure!!

This painful roleplay is not what I have signed up to do with my blessed life. We create our mental grooves and force our life energy into it as if it would stay that way forever, as if pain is something that can be boxed in, either in my body or in my mental grooves and that I can give myself all the weak excuses to not will my way out of it or at least try to. 

It takes a lot of willpower or sometimes going against your flow in order to flow in a different direction but for a broader perspective that cannot be encapsulated in chronology of time, or ego, or stress levels, others approvals, our inner criticisms and expectations and so on.