Blind spots

 The similarity in my fantasies and reality from the past is that I have not allowed for my truth to come out as if I need to safeguard how insecure, underconfident, and powerless I feel and have to project an ideal image as per requirements.

So empty, so directionless, and simply confused on how to take control back in my hands for my life has been a major blind spot in my life, and it's as if I needed to adapt around the blind spot rather than face my truth for what it is. Fantasies and day dreaming don't make anything easier, or more under a namesake control as I get to be the star of my imaginations and display most often than not bold, straightforward, verbally correct sense of expressions. It's rehearsed so many times, the scene of my expression, and spoken by me in various altered mood, behaviour, tone and so on that I make it believable that I need to stay longer in my day dreams so that my lack of taking control of my life in my hands gets justified by being a shadow version in fantasies.

Yes, this is my truth and this is not something that I need to separate myself from from my present reality as embracing everything - the known, unknown, unresolved, confusing, weird, crazy, sad, angry and so much more is part of my being who I am today as much as this was who I was and maybe in a varied version in my past.

The delusion of being something in my fantasies when there's a deep sense of nothing within is confusing to say the least. I have emptied a lot of what was holding back from my past, including these delusions, as I have finally realized that I can allow myself to be who I am without carrying the weight of fantasies, past hurts, unresolved emotions and feelings on my shoulder.

I don't have to punish myself for wasting my time, energy, opportunities etc by bearing the cross but letting it go is the only sane thing that I can try to do. 

At present there's no goals, no set direction of work but just recording, journaling my truths like these as and when they pop up and burst some more bubbles from my life.

I simply have to trust my inner divinity, my will to want to stay committed to deeper self realizations, spiritual connections, and liberations from what doesn't serve me anymore.