It's not really clear why someone is a narcissist and why he(Generally speaking and is not gender specific) behaves the way he does. A dysfunctional family has little hope to become an integrated unit when narcissists rule the scene - the amount of chaos that they can organically create and be oblivious of their self destructive habits which sadly pulls everyone down as a family, as a unit together is the effect of such a personality disorder. This disorder is inherent within someone as in it can be genetic or it can be a coping behavior or a learned behavior from dysfunctional family environment and from the heads who run such families (with narcissistic tendencies) and so in turn becoming narcissists themselves. But no matter what be the reasons for one's display of narcissistic qualities, it's fairly common to have a dormant amount of those qualities within each of us like seeking validation of our efforts and the lack of it in the form of emotional neglect that is the primary seed for narcissism, and acceptance of a person and making them feel secure for who they are and a lack of which triggers the narcissist to seek supply outside of him and not within him, and these are relatable as long as the way we let this frustration, this sadness out by means which don't emotionally or physically harm others. Exploring one's hobbies, journaling, talking with people who are not quick to judge you, and most importantly understanding the need to vent in healthy ways as human living is always going to be challenging in some form or the other are part of the parents' growing up stages alongside the kid/kids and mere expectations without practicalizing healthy habits in daily life would just deepen this grief of not being understood.
It is crucial to understand here that by allowing the emotional wound to stay and which makes the afflicted more and more embittered, angry, reactive and insecure are just symptoms of this disease which when not treated as early as possible or in earlier stages of life like from childhood itself, could spiral down further to become a pain that looks for nurturing and enabling from outside to make the narcissist feel important or special for no particular reason but their inflated sense of self, which is enough reason for them to believe and expect an appropriate treatment or response from others to keep them happy, accepted and secure.
It is alright to have expectations but to project these expectations as universal truths which others surrounding the narcissist need to comply is quite another. Taking accountability for one's behaviour and actions is something that the narcissist seem to conveniently forget and any attempts to remind and bring them to acknowledge their lack of empathy for others feelings is usually a wasted effort (the reactions could be childish, explosive, revengeful and just unpredictable in short) as narcissists when they become hardened more and more by practice of getting things done through performed acts of graciousness and kindness and stage worthy display of love bombing and charm used on their victims to get them to comply through deceit, dishonesty and lack of scruples, are stuck almost forever in their own created whirlpools that they love to go round and round and mentally/physically exhaust others in the process. This whirlpool is a dense and dark place that just sucks the life out of innocent people who could be their near and dear ones, friends, colleagues and so on, who will become weary of the narcissist's intentions sooner or later - the darkness refers to a refusal to come to acknowledge their own truths about themselves and wanting those involved with them to live in the façade that they have built around themselves in so many layers to get what they want.
This firm refusal to grow up can bend the will power of many a victim as they could walk into the world of a narcissist only to be blinded by all their attention but no true love can be felt from narcissists as they expect others to make them feel self love but do nothing to work on loving themselves by managing their habits, looks, diet and taking responsibility for their actions and so on. Failure to acknowledge this lack of balancing oneself cannot be thrust upon others by being just charming and attentive as long as it suits their needs and blame shifting and gaslighting people to make it seem like the rest of the world are at fault and that they are victims who are on the receiving end when it's quite the opposite.
So it's no coincidence that people who have adapted to living with a narcissist and who are blurred by weak or no boundaries fail to differentiate their own feelings from that of the narcissist as that's what they expertly do - keep the victims trapped in constant state of self doubt about their own state of mind and knowingly play that against them and keep them more and more vulnerable to mind fog and anxiety for not able to fit in with the mood(s) of the narcissist which is in short like learning to walk on egg shells and make their path all inclusive where the narcissist would want to take up all the space as the victim squirms and squeezes in for making more way for the narcissist to walk beside.
Goals are very important in this way as learning to live off the other and through them reach their individual goals is a narcissist's chosen path - no guilt, no shame, no regret for using the others as a ladder to reach to the top as they will glorify in their own sense of victory and sing their own praises for goals big or small - capitalizing on attention at any cost is something they will never let go of till the end. It's sad to see that their life is just what they want others to see and not a true reflection of who they truly are, in mind, in spirit, as they masterfully disguise their true motives under a noble skin.
I have been a victim of my mother's narcissistic emotional abuse and was shocked to grasp the fact that I had been her scapegoat all along in order for her to project her gaslighting of how traumatized she has been for my physical illness (just a migraine and nausea) and made me feel worse by ruminating aloud calling forth the rest of the family members and sharing her grief yet again for the millionth time that how sad she is again to see me mimic my (late) father's health condition in having migraines and that he too had one such migraine attack and nausea, vomiting, a low bp episode had ensued and was quickly admitted to the hospital and within few hours from there on he had passed away while she was pregnant with me (3 months). She made my misery worse not because I was in physical pain but by making me feel guilty for reminding her about my father whom I had never seen, she just upped her receiving of sympathy from her brothers and their wives with whom we lived together and there was cast a tragic spell by enacting this sadness out in front of her family audience as I was made to be the scapegoat for having just a common migraine headache. But the truth behind the recurrence of repeat headaches is not owing to my father as she had conveniently grief smeared and made me a participant of her confusing emotions which seemed like concern on the superficial side but was just an opportunity for her to showcase her tragedy even after decades after my father's passing and that no amount of medicines and doctors shoved down my unsuspecting mind then could actually silence my chronic emotional stress that ate me up and made me feel completely disconnected from my own body - it was all hers to claim - her difficult pregnant phase bearing me, her difficult time during delivering the child (me), her frustration to see me so physically sensitive (my core sensitive and intuitive nature got blocked, thanks to her smeared beliefs on me), and projecting how concerned and worried a parent she is by sharing my headache episodes the next day at office with her office colleagues.
My self confidence, feelings of safety in my own body, trusting my mind to make decisions for myself all went for a toss as this chronic emotional stress that I kept absorbing while ignoring my sensitivities to feel my life, my pain, my real experiences whatever they be as wanting to adapt into her nut shell version of her grief seeded in me was what I carried within me as if pregnant even after being born but with a load of emotional pain which I could not process was mine or hers even after ages while being burdened to be empathetic and sensitive for all that she materially did for me, and that her saying that over and over was a way to not make me forget that I owe and should always owe her my every breath not because I organically or deeply feel that I want to but because she expects so and has made her unconscious thoughts my programming for me to blindly follow and which I did painfully being oblivious to my life's unfolding. As my body kept giving me true signals as the body always does and specially under this long term unresolved emotional stress that manifested in the form of migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, menstrual problems, and cardiovascular disease, it has become more and more clear to me in these past few years and which is almost 4 decades neck deep into this kind of narcissistic emotional abuse, that physical pains had indeed kept me alive to feeling my life even if they had caused a lot of discomfort and chaos in my already burdened mind. It was as if a part of me I had willfully suspended just so that I can hang around in some vague vacuum of having a life but not able to get my head and heart around living it as I clearly could not see past the persistent mind fog that I had been wrapped up that just kept blocking my way for so long. And so the digestion issues persisted, heart issues too, till this date, and for wrongly shifting blame on my dead father for no apparent fault of his other than succumbing to a sudden cardiac arrest that he could not survive through, this low level depression that kept clinging to me like vedhal clings to vikram is how it feels to get past all this trauma for surviving a well disguised emotional abuse well scripted by my mother to make herself the martyr of being a widow and a single parent with a 'sick' child who was in fact normal as any other kid but grew in such chaotic emotional family environment that supported such emotional abusers with sympathy and enabled my mother to 'nurture' my sickness while reveling in all the self pity that she liked to be addicted to. This has been slow poison for me as I was way too empathetic and sensitive to absorb all that she said and how she said it and believed myself in this web of stories that she told herself as well as all of us as I had gotten stuck in this toxic relationship which will still live on until she is alive and in some form or the other, but with a bit of boundary setting wherever possible, I try to protect myself and feel safe in my body from within and not seek validation of wellness from doctors outside which is what I was programmed to by my mother.
The effects of her internalizing and passing on her bitterness, frustration and criticism is so real as I am able to see the truth for what she is that it pains me more for having been used by her as a lifeless scapegoat which was made lifeless by her emotional abuse, neglect and gaslighting episodes which affected me both physically and mentally and for the life that I still am left with I hope to let go this dormant sadness, anger, and forgive myself as well as forgive her for being so cold to my emotional conflicts, anxiety, and chronic stress. And I am glad that I am discovering all these layers of truth before her passing as these sharings will not feel dead when done after her departure. These realizations are bringing alive so many emotions that I had coped up with repression and numbing and that I have grieved for as well but human life is anyways consisting of suffering in some form or the other and has given me an important lesson that I don't need to sacrifice myself in order to adapt to suffering and just let go this deeply embedded programming to make way for exploring my life realizing my mind, my true feelings and pains and keep moving forward to liberate myself possibly to the fullest by my life's end.
