Don't doubt your inner truths because self doubts influenced by mental conditioning and trauma patterns and adapting to them unconsciously may make you believe that you don't deserve to be receiving the pure, break your bones level of truths which at first rip your heart open, but only to make you aware of how long you have made your mental conditionings your comfort bubble and have lived in them.
In a sense it's to live outside of them, the bubble that you define and compress your entire life experiences in as if minimizing your efforts, struggles and so on makes logic. It doesn't. Not from near or afar, they don't. Living outside of the bubble means to first allow it to break and even if there are many other colorful ones that seem to want to draw you back in them, but it eventually breaks, the weight of your inner truths surpassing the light as air fantasies, imaginations, procrastinations no matter how real they seem.
Even if we separate this as truths and this and that as fantasies, but they all need to be embraced, not criticized, because these very same fantasies and imaginations had made life bearable, lively and for me at least had made my life something to look forward to. Because I preferred living in the bubbles and had the joy and creativity and spontaneity in my head to keep creating and living in them and so much so that they began to own me and became my significant other that gave me the feeling of being seen, being safe, being self confident and so on. And this significant other, my shadow, is part of me and hence true to who I wanted to be.
It's not safe I understand to be stuck in fantasies anymore. It's a very active part of me and I may not shut it down completely, but fantasies are creatures of flight and they cannot be expected to bear the real responsibility of living a life as I am responsible to live and not entirely live through fantasies.
I wish to step into becoming more and more natural and genuine to my skin, to my thoughts, emotions and feelings and just shed the layers of acquired heavy past traumas which simply block me. And no amount of fantasies can soften the hurts from emotional neglect and past traumas, but it doesn't heal anything either and just mimics the pain as if I am in control of them and being all confident and bold - because my pain is lack of self confidence and simply fantasizing that I am self confident is just rubbing salt to my inner wounds.
Allowing myself to be is the start of healing, and willing for the healing to happen is putting more focused efforts to create a healthy bond with myself and not self abandon and neglect. Enduring others criticisms in order to seek validation is not part of my programming in order to cope up and survive with them. It's really not worth it to take anything and internalize within beyond a certain limit.
I am responsible for my life and I take control of my life in my hands for today and the days to come.
No comments:
Post a Comment