Surrender to God

 Surrender to God is not giving up on faith and pleading God to fix our brokenness and restore our faith as well; it's our willingness to identify the lies we tell ourselves and which gets comfortable in the patterns that we follow as routines which needs to be released in true faith in God. It's the discernment that we choose to bring upon ourselves to exercise self discipline and being true to ourselves that makes holding onto surrender a goal and a way of life as well. We cannot minimize our mistakes in order to justify our goal of surrender but self calibrate the efficiency and honesty with which we own our mistakes and take responsibility for it. In that sense surrender is an all encompassing space for feeling true love for God while putting aside the individual ego and just being present to the moment.

The narrative that becomes our life, our routine, way of perceiving people, challenges, and our relationship to our given lives is how we understand our life experiences day after day - it's almost as if a day that goes well needs to be in accordance with our plans or situations that are in accordance to our accepting and problem solving abilities, or otherwise the narrative of being just ourselves in this highly overwhelming world where everything happens to us and our getting caught in a vicious cycle of a life out of control seems to stay stuck in our minds. 

Whether we accept our lives for what it is or just quantify the dark phases, disappointments, sadness and lack within us, time does move on. Our firm holding onto these phases does not fix anything. Therefore to believe in keeping faith that surrender to God opens us with so many possibilities of experiencing life and to trust in God's(The creator of life) will that things work for our best is an act of letting go our attachment to expectations that life should work out in this way or that. And surrender familiarizes us with this time and again.

Changing the course of my life

 It was all about fear and seeking approval for not being good enough to my mother and my uncles and aunts. It had all to do with my high sensitivity and that something is wrong with how sensitive, weak and sick I am and I thought the same way about me and I wanted me to be fixed and repressed my feelings to numbness if that's what it takes to just enable in my getting better physically so that I appear perfect enough for my mother specially. She couldn't stand to go through episode after episode of my migraines as the nausea and weakness reminded her of appa (my father) who died in the early onset of her pregnancy and it has been a long journey of mother and I so far.

She expected me to be everything and more and it just put me under tremendous stress and fear for letting her down as I was equally confused for not knowing how to be me in the first place let alone filling all her blank spots in her life ideally.

I craved for some form of validation for being just me even if that meant a weak attempt but didn't quite know how to break the shell. And so afraid of letting her down any more, I hid under the shell and assumed that my unprocessed emotions, sensitivity, myriad feelings will not come in the way as I just numbed them down wanting them to be invisible as I too felt that way on the outside as amma had no idea about another's personal boundaries and just felt that fearing for me and protecting me with material comforts were enough to keep me safe in the shell.

My body became a disconnected mess as I was everything physically but no joy reflected from my persona. I started to camouflage in this dissociation further as one distinct part of me I felt had left and was possibly my soul and there's no words to exactly define this feeling of emptiness - it just felt like I had everything but still had nothing - that nothing indicated my own true feelings about what was it to experience life in my terms which was all that was missing. A body without a cause for wanting to be full of  life.

So in order to want to appear fit and physically healthy and not trigger my mother's wounded past, I just shoved down heaps and heaps of frustration, sadness, anger, and just abandonment for how she tossed away her dump pile of criticisms on me for being too sensitive. It's like she had to toxic vomit as an after effect of my migraine and nausea and shame me into feeling guilty by calling upon other elders of the family and subjecting me to her ruminating dose of the challenges of being a single parent and how hard it was to go though it all by herself without a partner and this grieving over my migraines continued well into other health issues as she insulated my shell with her fears of losing me ass well and I had to be mindful of not letting her down and had to be alive for her.

Being alive for her felt like a broken cause and so I borrowed some from my deceased father who was supposedly a good though amateur writer (he had worked in a public sector as an accounts officer) and assumed that by being a good writer was some way to fill in his possible blanks of his short life and that by being an extension to this self assumed cause could possibly justify my being alive. 

Being present to myself and to my feelings was an unknown concept as I preferred staying as invisible as possible in the dysfunctional joint family that I was a part of. It's like so many people come together only to see you but not feel you or understand you and that feeling just made like a floating body with two legs on ground as I just wanted to disappear more and more from life. 

My life, my space, my hurts, my brokenness, my mind, my soul are all new realizations that have started to dawn on me for few years now as Lord Muruga's Vel speared through a life consuming almost near end moment when I thought my fever and cough and the way it shook me up was enough to end my life. Vel was a vision and a reality that just came straight at me while I was seated on the sofa fully exhausted and feeling like I am just done and while Vel Maaral was playing on the tv at that time, this vision of Muruga's weapon came out the tv screen straight at me and pierced into my chest. It felt surreal, it felt like I had reconnected with my soul purpose for experiencing my life just as is and not to enable and lean back into anyone else's misery and call that as my experience.

I have continued to witness Muruga Perumaan's miracles even prior to this incident but my fears and self doubt over seeing, hearing some things which are so out of ordinary made me reel in into the patterns that I was used to and not step into my faith to see and understand the bigger picture that even the brokenness of my soul could not deter from happening. 

Soul remains but the essence of how it wants to express itself through a given person's body and how authentic is that experience of doing so is the unlocking of this soulful experience which I am glad I have begun to tap into. And Muruga Perumaan has been the most giving and compassionate Supreme Soul who knows when to reach out in times of utter need and has pulled me out of a semblance of emotional coma if you will for all these years and has awakened me to a purpose that's beyond the self imposed limitations and environmental dysfunctions. 

It's like when He chooses to give, then He does. His love for me and his life giving gifts through very fragile episodes of my health challenges have made me realize that there's a power higher than fear and that's love. I feel at a loss for words to describe the extent to which His guidance, his timely help, and simply the way he shows up happens. I love Him immensely for letting me be, for nurturing me back to feeling safe and for restoring my trust in my body and to lean in into the truth of his essence that holds my soul together within the true spirit of living life to the best level possible.

I am taking slow, baby steps but I know that loving him back has been a life saving and an incredibly joyful experience and I still go through pangs of anxiety and fear and so on but to break free from the shell of enabling and sponging in another's life story is a new birth in itself. A new life away from the enmeshment of my mother and whether I am with her or stay away, following my soul's guiding light through the shining vel is a beautiful journey of so many discoveries and blessings for me and I can't be thankful enough to Muruga Perumaan for changing the course of my life.

Addressing the inner child wounds

 Inner child wounds are an all pervasive suppressed emotional pain that grows over time and can remain stubbornly stuck within if the right kind of reparenting is not provided. Why is reparenting required in the first place? Why do parents in most cases continue to pass on their inner traumas and expect resolve through their children? Why can't parents face their own inner child issues, emotional neglect, disappointments, anger issues and so on and focus equally on their emotional regulation and release and not just prioritizing on material acquisition and financial success alone?

I have been such an example of a severely wounded inner child and despite my age still carry deep seated self esteem issues and seek approval from others, dependent on team work rather than work as a sole member who is completely confident in her individual abilities, dissociate often in order to cope up with my dysfunctional emotional regulation which had become my pattern unfortunately, and figuring out how to forgive myself and my parent (single mother) and my caretakers who all practiced neglect, and had difficulty to express themselves and were severely emotionally handicapped owing to their own broken childhood and inner child issues.

Therefore physically growing and aging is all that I did anyway but taking the time to look into my buried inner life and addressing my neglected inner child who could not have a voice of her own and grew up wanting to be joyful, to express enthusiasm freely, and be creative in thriving as an imaginative, artistically oriented, and sensitive child who feels deeply her own emotions as well as others is what I have grieved for a while now. 

To liken inner child wounds to that of a limitation or lack is an insensitive approach but to be kind enough to see this buried heaviness as part of one's past and to be alive to it is a beautiful way of seeing the shadow through the lens of inner guidance and accepting this shadow as an integral aspect of oneself and to care and address it with love is being self inclusive and unconditionally accepting at the best human level possible.

Because unresolved inner child hurts and traumas manifest as emotional pain that block our energy fields from growing and receiving positive energies which help manifest our present and future seamlessly and with a sense of direction, it becomes imperative to heal, release and reparent as needed just to check in with the inner child from time to time. And what we cannot do ourselves, we cannot expect others to do it for us and make the inner conflicts and dense emotional trappings go away. 

What has been done to us is an undoing responsibility within ourselves and once we begin to set ourselves free, then freedom of self expression in a natural sense of joy, innocence, curiosity, enthusiasm becomes the authentic self and is enough by itself without having to seek approval or acceptance from others. 

How we finally respond to our lives is all that matters - I would rather with curiosity, empathy, sensitivity, imagination, and pragmatic problem solving and would need my inner child to be my very own cheerleader to live life to the fullest.

Where there is a Vel, there is a way!

Lord Muruga is the beacon of truth and light on Earth. He wields his mighty Vel to pierce through the mid fog and layers of fear and anxiety enveloping mankind in this kaliyuga.

He is pure compassion that shines as divine light in the galaxies as he helps beings, small, big, and alien to find their way home and to put an end to darkness. 'As above and so below' (An ancient quote) and so is his protection that blankets the cold of several souls who are lost and numb in their darkness within on planet earth and reaches out to them as true light and guidance, one lifetime after another.

Muruga is not just a name, it is the identity of the God within each of us because He is the symbol of good over evil, kindness over cruelty, acceptance over judgement, and truth over fake emotions and feelings. In other words, He is pure love and an all encompassing essence whose smell, feel, and touch is as real and as glorious as the ether of early dawn and the golden dust of dusk.

There is no mountain that's unconquerable for His powerful Vel and no mental, emotional block that can limit or overwhelm a person that is too big a challenge for Muruga's Gnana Vel - the Vel destroys them all and restores our faith back in humanity, hope, and courage in order to live the rough tides of the outer as well as the inner life.

The beautiful Vel is an extension to Lord Muruga and a form of His self expression which becomes symbolic of Muruga's valor, strength, and divine commands as an Army General (Deiva Senapati) of the Devas and Divine Chief of innumerable galaxies and planets, including planet Earth.

The Vel can find its way in when we mere mortals feel distraught that there is no way out, and so the weapon and the Master blend as One to call one's attention to organize life from that of chaos and help restore peace and love in the hearts of one and all in mankind.

The Vel is truly an alchemist of one's heart and mind and a transformative tool to remove the darkness from one's soul. Because its presence to heal one's inner wounds can go as deep and expansive and stand tall despite the intertwined knots of the mind or heart or soul, the resulting calm is proof of the healing work in progress depending on how real, how humble and how unique, the seeker's surrender and love to Lord Muruga and His guiding Vel is.

It's indeed where there is a Vel, there is a way then!!