Let go fear of pain

 Fear of pain is all that I have known all my life. It has been a thick cementing of my personality as if I need to be in fear in order to adapt to my limited idea of self which is not just my knowing but what is projected by my mother on me - a critical, repetitive, verbally abusive mother who belittles me at every drop of my health and that happened quite a lot as I was not good enough for her perfect expectations.

Her being so oblivious to her small mindedness despite her generosity in her giving is a critical understanding for her which she is blind to as she prides in perfecting on her better than anyone else pride and hence cannot see herself truthfully for who she has been, good and bad put together.

The pain of being able to see this clearly eventually broke me from within -  as if a person a person whom I trusted most to mirror my life just broke my delusion of the mirror. As if the pain of wasted love on someone and feeling betrayed for having put up and endured with so much of her criticism was all for my detriment and it didn't support her emotionally in any way, as all she had bothered with was to continue to criticize me and be completely oblivious to my sacrifice and emotional suffocation.

This emotional pain had been numbed in my physical body for so long that my body cried in various forms of pain to help alert me to take action. All I did was again and again endure her criticisms on my health, my body, and came to this conclusion that people whom I trust to love, to expect something from maybe will inevitably hurt me, and that I can curtail my initiative and just take few customary steps and again withdraw.

I was too afraid to trust myself to let go this fear of uncertainty and had an underlying obsession to want to be liked by everyone and when I sense that they don't, then I withdraw some more in my shell, as if by doing this I might save myself from getting hurt.

I pigeonholed myself by thinking I am not worthy of love, attention, respect, and so on, and wanted everyone to see me that way so that I can handle their criticism, their judgement, their comparisons of me with another, their gaslighting and so on as that's what I was used to, and so adapting myself to this limitation, limited belief is all I had gone about doing and being.

To see myself wholly worthy of love, care, forgiveness, kindness, acceptance from myself is such a sore point, like a scab of wound which hurts to admit that it needs self love, self acceptance more than anything in this world, and that I need to uphold a healthy, kind, and a heart centered approach towards myself rather than logicalizing my past hurts and believing them to be true to me, which they are not.

I need to come home more and more to myself as I have the capacity to heal, to hold commitment to receive love from myself, and that I can allow my fear of pain to be set free. I don't have to expect more pain in exchange for pain, and it's alright to just let go this slowly, gently, calmly, one day at a time.