Being enmeshed was part of the way I had adapted to collective consciousness and it consumed my full inner space as an individual where I had lost trust in myself as an autonomous individual.
It's like I had to enmesh with others presence, personalities, past, present, or whatever it takes to stay diluted as an individual and live as a shadow irrespective of how much powerless it made me feel - it felt like a safety net, this enmeshment, and I had to stay entwined in it in order to feel like I would be seen and I wouldn't be as ignored the way I had been ignoring myself.
There's contradictions in this obviously but the more solidified I could become as a person is by staying true to who I am moment by moment and allowing a bit of openness in my heart in order to love myself and see myself as a unique, deep, beautiful individual is new and yet a different journey I had never taken so far.
I just wish to be free from all the expectations I had placed on myself and just allow myself to breathe free.
It's been purely suffocating, traumatizing, and a controlled, emotionally dysfunctional family where being a person of my own felt next to impossible. Since I enmeshed with all these toxic patterns of my family and felt I need to belong with them, I ended up dismissing myself completely as if I owe them my blind loyalty for allowing me to be part of the family.
I need to be permitted for each and every step in my life as a silent, judgmental, intimidating set of eyes were always following me scrutinizing my every move. And no matter how hard I tried to fit in, I would always feel like my uncles, aunts made me feel like it's a favor they have me in the family, in addition to my mother.
I got tired trying to fit in that I locked myself up in my room and eventually just stayed locked in, numb, powerless, disconnected, confused, anxious, sad and purely in trauma for not knowing what I am doing with my life and how to reach out to this vast space of emptiness within me.
Only this huge void was left as a result of inching myself out of my life to the point of being literally an outsider to my life. My body just mirrored this looping pain as if wanting to push me back into my body by making me aware of my pain, medicines, having to stay mindful of the medicine schedule, and just disinterestedly staying alive.
My pain felt like an all prevalent pain as if there was no beginning or no end, or no head or no tail to it, but what's left of my life was just pain and I was actively pursuing it and also was overwhelmed with it and simply neglected, ignored, procrastinated until it went away. Medicines physically helped to deal with physical discomforts from time to time, but this way of disconnected, detached, anxious attachment to my life made me embrace enmeshment to get some sense of connection with others at the cost of negatively impacting my growth as an individual.
Connection(connecting) with toxicity at the cost of sabotaging myself in other words.
And this sense of toxicity came from my mother and my connection with her has been toxic love - the way she made me feel seen, cared for, was by projecting her trauma and criticism on me and this I saw as valid means to want to be punished/devalued/dismissed for causing distress to her. I had become so energetically enmeshed with her that my real sense of my life, my feelings, my desires, instincts, moods, reactions and so much more were simply layers within a shadow.
To bring this to light has been extremely hard, as if some thick layer of shell had to be torn open over and over until I could not bear the pain anymore.
To play safe at the cost of tying myself to a post is simply stagnant, and to pull away from this is to break free from staying low, staying stuck, and staying unfulfilled with my given life.
Because becoming is the new being.
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