I am feeling so low that I am not able to integrate my skills into my reality for reasons of procrastination, self doubt, and fear of being found that I was jobless for over 2 years now. It's what others perceive of me and that I am used to perceiving as my reality and my heightened anxiety and restraint that's blocking me from manifesting taking risks for the job path ahead whatever field that be.
It's like I am able to finally get the sense of disconnectedness that I have had with my relationships, my career path, my sense of creating a family and future with my child path which are all so empty, so nothing and that sense of vacancy I am able to connect to which was my life path in sum total sadly for a long time now.
It's like this deep seated depression has to show up to remind me of all this emptiness that I cannot undo, cannot fill with distractions, and cannot hold onto because that's what surrender to God would actually look like - just letting go without holding on to what can be fixed and what cannot be from my end and so on.
Surrender to me all along was this grand sweeping gesture in my mind where realizations of past blocks and releasing them to His feet happened, had to happen simultaneously as if I want to be done with this and move on to something new, something fresh to learn and explore about. Being aware of how ill pervasive these blocks have been and have consumed my presence in my life as a participant, and by getting it thrust out my system through a bit of forceful intent is not how surrendering works.
Releasing and surrendering needs love, needs faith in love for my higher good that no matter how ruminative and stuck are the nature of blocks, but still with truth and perseverance, they can all be peacefully dealt with. Loving myself with this new found truth about my ignorance is hard but it's like I finally understand why I was hiding behind my numbness and choosing not to talk about it with anyone - the hurt is as deep-rooted as that. I can't make small of this wound that is reduced to a scar gradually now but wishing that it goes away and makes way for me to grow anew is again wanting to be unrealistic and impatient with healing the scars as well.
Life is short and I have minimized the magnitude of this by repressing it into my expectations and limitations oriented thinking. Living within fantasies and disconnecting with obsessive rumination while staying away from my present is time and life lost. I acknowledge that and just release peacefully without expecting it to be better, different, and analyzing on who is responsible for my state and again going down the trail of why I am the way I am and how to fix that. I can walk 1000 miles deep into fixing what is already broken but accepting that wholly without self criticizing, blame shifting, devaluing myself is to learn to be kind to this fragility within. I don't want to get overwhelmed with how much has been unhealed, not been aware of, not vocalized, but be there for me when truth trickles in unexpectedly and in situations that are least anticipated.
Truth has a way of showing the mirror and making the subtleties come to conscious surface level that the amount of time spent in my hiding under the unconscious garb seems naked. Wearing that truth without fear of what others will think of me is truly being in my skin.
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