Real courage=be real with self

 Anxiety has been such a big part of my life that I don't know how deep I had been consumed by it. The anxiety to be me was the most primary of all anxieties in me and the sadness for not getting to be me on the other side and thriving in both made me who I am in short. I have been so caught up in being in this loop and for the stark confusion for not reading my mother's emotional instability and her insecure attachment by making me an extension to her which led to my getting stuck between anxiety and depression as that's what I felt deep down and no matter how much I resisted them, they continued to prevail.

I kept wanting to stay away from my mother but I didn't know then the reason and now I know why. And for each and every health episode which is when I seemed to become evident to her in a more obvious kind of way and that's when she seemed to fine tune to notice me and crank up the volume of her frustration or her criticism towards me because she couldn't see me as a separate being and reacted the way she did as her all encompassing image of her and me together was supposed to be a comfortable and perfect one and she disliked if due to my feeling unwell that 'perfect' image got shaken up.

So, she took the efforts by taking me to the doctor, by promptly buying me medicines and other health boosting supplements so that I don't let her down in being a 'strong' team as she deemed us to be. My core strength, whatever that be, had gotten eroded so much as a result that I just lost sight of seeing me for who I am and so anxiety took over for lack of want of expressing myself in some shape or form.

The long duration of time that I have allowed myself to marinate in anxiety and depression which were my team so to speak, and they an extension to me, and have absorbed so much so these toxic trauma bonding tendencies that I ended up manifesting them in my life in the form of a neglectful relationship with myself. This avoidance of myself as a result and wanting to be unconscious of self has been so ill pervasive and has taken in its fold all the relationships that came in my life.

I feel sorry for myself and no amount of apologizing and asking forgiveness from myself for the pain I have inflicted on it (body, mind, and soul) would suffice. 

I want to experience life outside of all this pervasiveness and break free from the dull weight that I have felt pulled down by all my life. My identification with courage and perseverance was a weird way to justify that (dull weight) for the outside world as people thought I fought so brave and tall for whatever health issues that life threw at me, but little do they know that my state of health may not be entirely genetically inherited but environmentally acquired and unidentifying with false layers of my personality is the beginning of real courage.