Self realization in progress

 My body has been a carrier of guilt, shame, and pain for a long time. I have obsessed about my body with such carriers spinning a loop and embodying me in it. And it was owing to the environment I lived in which became strong adhesives to stay stuck in such a style of attachment as sickness, both physical and mental, prevailed in the air. I was oblivious to how destabilizing this can get as I assumed that I can intellectualize it away or just idealize my expectations from others who were too busy living their loops.

I realize that it had destabilized me enough to make me want to relate to my past as a frozen reality and not processing my present enough while worrying how will I manage to live without living off this person or that in future.

I have felt my feelings, the hidden icicles under the placid lake just unfreezing and forming a fluid mess that I have become, and the good news is I can't undo this peeling. It's too real and truthful and just bears my skin and inner wounds for what it is. Maybe I didn't get to become the strong, thick skinned, all achieving multifaceted personality that I had wanted to be but has revealed the real softness and vulnerability that I hid underneath all the surface strength that I had wanted to project. And I am not ashamed of it. 

I had internalized my caretakers emotional neglect in my childhood so much that I resorted to rejecting myself and avoided my true feelings and take a stand for them for a long time after that. From abysmal suffering to real feeling, this journey of self discovery is actually beautiful. 

Having been invalidated, believing that I need to be that way in order to thrive, I continued to being devalued from other relationships even as I tried to move away geographically from my parents. 

Holding on to the past and going places in the present is like reliving the past in different settings. The past will always be part of me, pain, suffering, neglect and all, but I do not wish to logicalize them into tolerable boxes and keep working on memories which indicate repression all around it. I cannot undo repression by going back to the repressed feelings and trying to feel them one by one - that's just triggering myself beyond healthy levels of mental health preservation. One way or the other, either completely numbing or wanting to undo the numbness by feeling them all is just wanting to relive my past in the present and the more I keep doing this, the more I will fall apart with my present realities.

Truth is not to make forced realizations happen and create narratives that justify them. I have given space for a lot of brokenness of my rigidity towards emotional vulnerability to happen and am proud of that but it can't happen at the cost of my self preservation at present and going forward. 

Truth is allowing for awareness to happen on its own and take one by surprise, and for that to happen all the toxically attached layers of skins needs to go which in itself is self realization in progress.