Avoidant Personality Disorder is an acute form of anxiety and hypersensitive fear of criticism and the onset of this disorder starts fairly early from childhood onwards owing to emotional neglect, repetitive emotional abuse from parent(s), and is an all pervasive personality disorder style that blocks the real self out and inhibits one to form close relationships.
I am a self confessed avoidant personality person and have tried to get help from psychologists to help me get a fair sense of the mind condition that I deep down knew was not right but didn't know what it was and neither did I go beyond one or two consultations to get a final diagnosis and that was owing to my fear and discomfort of seeing me inadequate. I did manage to learn courses online and got an understanding of CBT (Cognitive behavior therapy), REBT (Rational emotive behavior therapy), and dug deep into codependency, narcissistic personality disorder, and could instinctively relate my mother to being a vulnerable (a form of covert narcissism) narcissist.
I understand that there are experts on the subject who can help navigate and get one on the recovery trail if one looks more on the outside for solution, but if a seeker of true self like me sticks through the inner journey and deepens spiritual connection with a trusted confidante and guide that I believed God was and has been to me, then doorways in the form of YouTube videos by experts in the field of psychology, psychologists cum authors whose books, articles and so on the above said topics was the much needed cohesive bridge to discover and contemplate more about my unspoken truths. In a sense the therapies mentioned above were just bookishly learnt and applied in my real life context and surprisingly the stifled feelings started to speak up as I sat and listened silently when meaningful questions from the courses and books that were collated had found answers in my writing journals.
This start of sorts opened my repressed emotions which did not feel pleasant at all to begin with but the more I journaled and wrote what was true to my life experience, the more I could unravel the numb pain that kept me from participating in my reality. This phase during lockdown phase 1 was effectively made use in self exploration, feeling and healing through release of layers of emotions, and surrendering unconditionally to God. It was just the tip of the iceberg and it seemed as if I had still some tears left in me despite all the surface frozenness that penetrated my mind as well.
I kept going on as if I had to as the intuitive voice that silently whispered to me one night some 5 years ago that said I need to be true to myself kept coming back to remind me that there was still a long way to go. With the all consuming silence during the lockdown, it started to become more and more obvious that I needed to work on myself and stay true to accepting my life which I was just a witness to all along and just observed it from afar.
Staying connected to my findings and working through the emptiness felt the opposite to who I was from within, and the unhealthy attachment to fantasies started to loosen grip but not without making me feel like I had lost control of my life completely because I was so addicted to disconnecting from reality and living through fantasy.
A major life threatening surgery happened during the second phase of lockdown and it made me realize the power of faith. It was like a victorious scene from my fantasy because I came out successfully alive and it was better than all the fiction fights that I had won (mostly verbal ones as if to prove something to someone). To come out alive through this aneurism removal surgery felt like a huge snowball of divine grace had been aimed at me and it smacked me out of my numbness and shock - it was shock because I was not used to so much unconditional love showered on me as if I was so important for Him and that I was needed to participate in His divine will for my higher good. And here I was just being a mute witness to see my life flow under the bridge all along but this I could not let it pass by as if nothing had happened. In fact a lot had happened. And this is beyond my capacity to understand that how can there be so much kindness and love and no criticism, comparison with others, no body shaming, no guilt tripping, no suffering in suppressed silence, and just being gifted a unique opportunity, a second chance at my life.
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