Awareness about ignorance

 When self avoidance becomes so true about you, then you tend to live an avoidant life where you need another to live your life so that the dependency can ensure that you stay avoiding your life and looking up at ways yourself to be open to your life and face life had on. This realization when it hit me as I have been avoidant of my life pretty much most parts of it as fantasies makes up for some parts of living in them while situation triggers makes up for the rest whereas there's no other go except respond to that situation, that piece of reality. Wanting to go back to withdrawing and meandering aimlessly in fantasies and half conscious realities makes up my life.

Withdrawing in a sense has been my fix -  my fix to coping up with all the outside noise - I never realized until recently that this process of shutting myself down in my 'personal' space is going to make me escape living life really and fully. And this is more painful than the pieces of reality that I need to  be painfully aware of and that no amount of procrastinating, numbing, avoiding and distracting is going to help. 

I let go and gave in a lot of myself away just to adapt to situations and so living in the present and with whatever situations came along was something that I did just to justify all this letting go. I didn't know where to pick myself up and had landed up losing so much of my time and opportunity to just be there with myself.

But life has given me many a second chance and this phase right now is quite special as it's a beautiful opening into all of the miseries that I had allowed myself to go through and is a way to reclaim maybe in parts, but substantial parts of awareness it is to make me realize that I don't have to avoid and just live in the moment at the same time -  distracting ourselves, meandering in fantasies many of us do, but to do this as the main context of your life is to not want to stay in alignment with your life as is and expecting things, people to change according to the context of your fantasies and wishful thinkings so that you don't have to be bothered to be a participant in your life fully or be that in others is restraining yourself, blocking yourself and wanting to stay in clouded consciousness.

My mother took charge or so she thought she needs to as she controlled my life so much so as I allowed her to do so while not knowing how far have I gone away from myself and how difficult I didn't realize then the path would be to come back to my self fully and unconditionally. I have stopped expecting and pushing myself to fulfill others idea of duties and responsibilities as I am responsible for my life no matter how anxious, how fearful that thought might seem to be present fully for myself. But this I got to do for myself. 

My body is not a safe place to be, my home is not a predictable place to be, my family is not who I can go to when I am in distress, and inspite of carrying all these heavy and dense and confusing thoughts day and night from childhood, yet I didn't develop enough resilience to back myself up as I just gave in to sponging these dense thoughts as if they need to become my life's essence.

These are truths to an extent and I did live all these truths embodying myself to withdraw as means to do so. All these thoughts felt safe in the deep recess of my withdrawing well as I got sucked into the darkness of such fake comfort and with material comfort provided by my mother outside, I just didn't feel like coming out too to really discover myself.

The view into the well as seen from a point of awareness is different from the view from within the well. One is ignorance and another is awareness about ignorance.

Coping up nevertheless as opposed to responding to life is what I had been doing all along. As if my life is an illness and I am here to suffer by living it. Even if it were an illness, the attitude that I learn and practice to motivate myself to get better is all that matters. To receive life as is without expectations that it 'should' make me feel well is another bitter pill that I understand and sometimes swallow. 

Whether my mom made me feel like a patient is another side of the story altogether but living life and participating in it and responding as best as possible is the optimal cure that I can understand from my life experiences.