I am feeling so out of sorts as if the truth about myself and who I live with just gets more and more complicated and frustrating to handle. It's my husband who I live with of course and he too took the attachment style quiz and found out that he is an avoidant attachment style person. I wish I had been aware of the characteristics and the unhealthy habits of this type so that I could have saved myself years and years of confusion, self doubts over my self worth, and could have focused more on my self regulation rather than getting caught up in trying to understand his attitudes, likes and so on, only to feel pushed out on and off from this partnership, and getting lost, feeling left out in this partnership as if I have to be all by myself and all these just triggered my trust issues more and much to the damage of my emotional and mental health equilibrium.
As it is I have been struggling with issues of self avoidance and self trust, thanks to being disorganized attached as per the test results and it is a seamless combination of the anxious and the avoidant mixed to add to my inner conflicts, it just doesn't seem to get any easier, all these truths. It's how we behave and the why we behave the way we behave that makes us relate to the attachment styles that we maladapt to and are not born with it obviously.
I now get it that why was I feeling so lonely as my expressing my emotions was also so repressed and conditioned to suit maladaptively to the emotionally dysfunctional family that I was part of prior to my marriage, and to make matters worse, I attracted an avoidant into my life who needs to feel like he is in control and only his work allows him the independence and the space to do so and so wants to stay with this unhealthy habit of being consumed by work despite his getting married and we just relied on physical intimacy to bridge all our emotional gaps and strains which was further opened by my mother in law through her obsessive control disorder.
My husband couldn't control her any more than he could not control the weather and so just committed for marriage with the hopes of keeping his freedom on his control alive at the cost of exposing me to frequent periods of time by myself or just wished that I could keep his mother company and do so amicably, dumbing down if possible, and allow her the same control for namesake the same way he does just so that he can keep away from the conflict all his seeming submissive attitude seems to give her an impression that she can further intrude and try to control our lives as well other than controlling her husband, my father in law who has given into becoming a husband who is again namesake alive by his power as the eldest in the house is severely undermined.
Wow! I am amazed at my ability to stay so enmeshed and numb in all this partnership crap that circles in my in laws as if we cannot (my husband does not have a sense of his personal boundary and that much is obvious to me now) have a space of our own much less emotional intimacy and freedom to be vulnerable and openly expressive about our feelings mutually with each other. While my mother who's extremely possessive and insecure and God knows what mental conditional label she maybe carrying inside of her that she tries to live off my generosity, naivety, and lack of prioritization of my personal growth.
Yep, she just assumed trauma bonding with me over my father's sudden passing when she was pregnant with me is the means to hold the victim card on herself that she felt would be an extension to her as she projected victimhood on me just because I was highly sensitive and assumed that that would be a protective shield of some sorts in her absence as mother and I came back to live with her brothers and their wives after my father's passing. She just planned it all in her head and wanted me to get myself together as much possible so that I could as well continue to enable her as much as she expected her sister in laws to enable her which was not possible beyond a point. Her tantrums, throwing her weight around as she became this single mother, widow, and central government employee who has to brave the odds further by making her daughter strong and in this process disabled me into a project which is too sensitive and so a receiving end to her frustrations as she relived my father's demise over and over as and when I had gotten sick. I was not physically disabled, but emotionally, yes. She made me one, thanks to her dysregulated emotions, insecurities over losing me, and just confusing and shaming me into being her dependent shadow without a sense of self, or a sense of my very own willpower that had gotten lost, thanks to wanting to be loyal and grateful to my mother and to her brothers and their wives and so on, as I just completely moved away from feeling myself, being myself, and knowing how to be myself, which was all close to nothing.
I had attracted this suffering in silence as a result as I did not know how to trust anyone in my family owing to their hot and cold emotionally dysfunctional behaviors as I just felt like I needed to thrive on all this dysfunctionality rather than make space for myself and have a trusted source that I can rely on within my family which just remained as one of my fantasies and nothing more.
And after being in this self fluffing prophecy to my self doom which is all about when will I be rejected by the other and to hope secretly that I won't, and to end the anxiety, just go ahead and screw that possibility and precipitate through situations in my own avoidant and anxious way put together, and being a hard inner critic on top of that, and just subject myself to rejection as soon as possible and just get it done with when the other too starts being dismissive, judgmental, or being just angry with me, as all these are signs of rejection ringing oud and clear in my head. So, self rejection became more and more my second nature and one that I didn't openly talk about for obvious reasons.
I guess my pride didn't allow me to identify with self avoidance, trust issues, self rejection, and just plain lack of self love and expressing my need for getting support while going through all these.
All these truths exhaust me but it's good in a way that I don't need to stomach them and feel uncomfortable about blocking my gut instincts, negative feelings, emotional vulnerabilities and so on. I am dealing with making way for releasing them all out as I am now coming in the way to do so and that's quite an achievement if you will.
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