I have lived for most part of my childhood until late 20's in a constant state of worry about migraine attacks and how anxiously did I try to ward off that but in vain. Temperature fluctuations, specially heat rising would spike my migraines as well as gastrointestinal infections sometimes aggravates one, and also stress for not being able to detach myself from this trauma bond with migraine which culminated in irritable bowels syndrome and acidity and a circuitous loop of sorts where getting adapted to trauma of some form or the other, but trauma, was so in manifestation that when there were days when I didn't have any health issues, I would get stressed out.
I lost my self confidence as a result of my mother's criticisms and frustrations and her ill comparisons with my deceased father who might have had similar health patterns but that did not mean that I should feel guilty, but it became an obligatory guilt of sorts for all my material dependency on her - medicines, money, clothes, academic fees and all that I sold myself short over and over and got enmeshed with her trauma and tragic ruminations over losing my father and having to be by herself to face my highly sensitive body which was termed as "too sensitive" and her repeatedly getting irritated and calling in the other family members and gaining sympathy from them but body shaming me in the process just broke my confidence in myself.
And so, trauma became a constant in my life and living outside of that was abnormal for me. All these realizations are the new normal for me and it feels new but I am able to see patches of trauma free reality which I could navigate the clearing through and it feels like I am able to discern the difference between the forest from the trees. The forest was in slow burning fire that I didn't see the smoke for the clear clouds above. It feels freeing as if there could be a reality beyond all this trauma that I believed I needed to live through to sustain, to survive all this.
Now it feels like sacrificing my time and energy(if needed) for priorities other than mine is not my acquired obligation but a choice that I can work through to facilitate for the benefit of the other but within my set boundaries. My boundaries are my rights and not weaknesses or triggers for guilt tripping.
Coming home to myself feels so authentic as if this space allows for a beautiful connection to life in totality itself - I am connected to life and living and hence have discovered this blessing to continue to explore my connect with life from within and reaching all the way out. This is a stark contrast to the earlier pattern where life from outside with all its reactions, judgments, uncertainties, comfortable/uncomfortable physical/geographical environment/temperature and so on was all that I would draw in, and repress my inner world accordingly and suppress any sense of intuitions, instincts, feelings, desires and so on just so that I adapt to the outer world being in a hyper vigilant mode.
This hyper vigilance mode just stressed me out so much and kept me confused in other people's versions of what they think, believe and so on and could not trust myself enough to put myself out there for fear of being ridiculed, criticized, and devalued. It's how others reacted to my health trauma which didn't just get limited to migraines but spilled over into heart valve issues, one bout of epilepsy, and other issues that seemed like a never ending stretch of my sick personality which didn't feel healed no matter how many medicines I took or how many doctors I went to. It just broke my spirit and made things worse and I just continued to pretend as if it's something that I can easily just get past with perseverance no matter how many issues that may bombard me.
Perseverance kept my self avoidance and self trust issues intact as I worked towards enabling the false beliefs that I had gotten tuned to and which was to look towards the outside world for my worth and validation and not trust to look inward.
I have come so far in being open and vulnerable with my feelings and my life experiences with courage, determination, and a growing faith in Lord Muruga. A bit of self compassion and cutting down the voice of the inner critic seems like music to my ears! All this tuning is new to get used to but going deep within and discovering my true feelings, grieving for some, feeling hurt by some, angry at some more, tearing up bellowing my chest out while feelings of betrayal come out, just being in the moment for some mindful truths and downloads to land, quietly contemplate and journal at times, go on walks, listening to soothing music, release and surrender to God, and so on have been my healing work put together in progress. It's not in a linear order but since I was all by myself whenever I was shamed, guilted, criticized, devalued and so on, this undoing of sorts is also all by myself with a bit of support via listening from my husband sometimes and sometimes sharing with a friend or two at the most, but mostly this inner work has been solitary, sad, deep, crumbling, disorienting, and also worth the time by means of all the validity that it gives to my repressed feelings and also help in my detaching with them from time to time. I cannot forget in other words but neither is there a compulsion to want to get stuck on a loop to relive past wounds so that I continue to live in trauma, even if there be any physical issues or emotional neglect or otherwise.
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