Living in reality

 I made a lot of space for my imaginary conversations with people with whom I have the last say and shut them up and prove them wrong -  these conversations, although they look so real and so much a pseudo release for all the anticipated situations that could come my way and hence this buildup of assertive, sometimes defensive, and proving I am right as against their imaginary verbal attacks, but all these hold me captive in this self talk where I talk, they seem to listen, and yet again I talk and seem to shut them off. 

It's like resurrecting an enemy within me so that I can cope up to live with this imaginary, all consuming distraction of a fantasy which makes me become a participant in it. It's sad that I relate myself or reduce myself to being a participant through my fantasies but do not trust myself enough to respond adequately if things don't turn out as expected. I have desperately wanted my wishful thinking to work for me so much so that I could be more stronger and healthier for my mom but the reality of migraines was way too much unpredictable and uncontrollable that I could bring myself together to accept my reality for what is and just minimizing my pain and the aftermath weakness and exhaustion of pulling myself together mentally and just giving into feeling scattered and floating in some vacuum in my head was simply disorienting to say the least. It's like these fantasies from back then was a way of making me feel secure, undoubtedly strong and assertive as if I am just having the last word and living every bit confidently.

Fantasies even today keep me company and make me self isolate more as if mimicking the concept of comfort zone and self soothing -  because this isn't anything close to that. It's in fact more self agitating and steers me away from staying grounded to my present. 

I have been under so much mental distress all these years and my brain has been trying to help me cope up and I just feel sad at one level but also doubly sad for the awareness of such sadness that had never come up to be expressed before.

People sometimes talk themselves out of their self doubts and negative thinking, but I talk myself through the veil of imaginary deception which I so intensely make believe that I talk my head off being the lead/hero of the show going on in my head -  thinking and talking at the same time makes it preoccupying and not at all being aware of how unmindful this is all becoming towards staying with my present right now is like a version of me that's a self automated popup blocker to my reality -  even my reality can't come in the way of this active imagination and participating in it.

Being in it or being out of it is a matter of choice...being with my present and staying with my reality as is is the baby step that I can take to not go deeper to live in it in my imagination.