Undoing beliefs

 I suffered mentally without there being a need to suffer. It's all owing to feeling like I am the bad one, the one at fault, the one who disappoints people, the one who causes people to be triggered negatively as believed by me since it was projected that way by my mother. And why? Because my body, my physical sensitivity and susceptibility to health issues made her project so and made me feel like it's all my fault. And I seemed so similar in physical and health constitution like my deceased father who had passed when she was pregnant with me and that again somehow is my fault (?) as I unconsciously picked it up as she didn't even come back to apologize for losing her mind and saying such stuff in her anger and helplessness. She just let me believe that she was right all along as I just suffered her mental dysregulation in silence.

Suffering meaninglessly because of this and self avoiding myself into numbness and depression added more share of actual suffering to all this. I didn't know what was real, what was my suffering in all this, and what is just an enmeshed knot of maladaptive beliefs which just kept me away from addressing my real issues deep within. My heart goes out to my inner child and to myself as a whole for having to endure all this in order to survive in a emotionally dysfunctional family. 

To think small, to feel small, to live through the mind of the mob, and to stay fuzzy and emotionally disconnected was who I identified myself to be. This was never for my higher good and only truth as is and the courage to look the truth in the eye has helped me set free many of the knots that had kept me bound to feeling small and insignificant. Feeling alone in all this is an understatement but I have had to deal with being tossed aside in emotional neglect by my family and for being constantly criticized by my mother for the health I had and endured all this for so long that I didn't have anything remaining of my own to go home to because I just went with mob mentality to fit in in the family somewhere that I lost out on discovering myself for who I am truly. 

I believed that I was worthy of all the neglect and criticism I got and had to adapt to being relevant to that at the cost of avoiding my reality and putting that aside as irrelevant. I was not empathetic or selfless hence but had to think more of others and be hypervigilant of their moods and cope up by being pleasing to them so that I could make this belief work on a daily basis. 

It's funny how people just don't own their suffering as their own and expect the world to make sacrifices and suffer in silence so that their voice(the sufferer) can be heard by the world. If one has suffered, the others too shall suffer goes the logic eh?

Did this kind of suffering make me stronger, wiser, or resilient? No, but it just made me more defensive about who I thought I was and that was not even true to who I am in fact as I realize now!

I was simply egoistically defending my image which had endured so much and any sense of changing this pattern (to think I am worthy of all the neglect and criticism) just became a self fulfilling prophecy and a reality by and large as people judged first and then cared to understand my truth later, all thanks to this belief.