Trauma has been my middle name and so much a part of my unconscious that I am recovering and it's not a treasure trove of a recovery but still all the dust that I need to get myself off so that the real gold in me shines:)
To think about it, I have attracted relationships to make a point somewhere deep down within me that it's others who need my help but not me! How self contradicting can I be?!
I have been so tuned to self abandonment and obligatory guilt as programmed by my mother and applied on me while she wallowed in her self pity, widowhood, and victimhood, which she made the most of, but just had to feel securely attached to something and which was not her family. I now get it after almost decades that why does she brag so much about her material acquisitions, her intelligence to work with and maintain them, and her wisdom(?) to tolerate the fools in her family just so that she can stick on with being painfully patient with them and make the most of those applicable who can help facilitate for her in support of her achievements (which happens to be me more or less). Any which ways, she gets to be as self serving as possible and just stubborn to make it through what she wants. Overindulging in those who help support her, physically, throwing in ideas wherever possible (which would be me again) to support through her tasks whatever that be, as she keeps her pride and image intact is how I had gotten so enmeshed in toxic attachment with her.
She is my only parent and I have not seen or spoken or heard how my dad communicates, but shaming, guilt trips, undoing my boundaries, and projecting her passive aggressive anger etcetera are what I have heard from her and no wonder have been in the self fulfilling trauma bond(s) that I had brought upon myself - minimizing my feelings, my need for her unconditional love, and empathy for the physical ills whenever they happen, nurturing for my high sensitivity, and being held without pestering me with her literally nagging concerns over my health are the real limitations that I had been adapting to. They snowballed into trauma and replaced true expression of these maladaptive limitations with hardened icicles of inner criticism, numbness, and just swaying from wanting to be intimate, vulnerable, but pulling myself back for lack of trust in others, including my mom.
My mother in essence is trauma in a complicated form. She just needs sustainable means to remain being one. She is fraught with trauma from her childhood maybe for no fault of hers but hasn't gotten off riding the 'high horse' of being a successful survivor and wearing me out for the worse as she had been doing all along.
I didn't realize all this and thought I was supposed to be her enabler of her emotions, no matter how confusing and beyond my age it had seemed then. In return I had to learn to trust no one but be left with myself to lick myself off all the hurt of my feelings and also silently persevere through migraines, nausea, heart disease and so on. She made me a victim for no fault of mine and I just grew up well into my late 20's feeling stuck depending on her for her broken emotional support and her ever persistent criticisms on my health fluctuations, and didn't realize that it was my depression and her emotional neglect for crying out loud that tried to get my attention to do something about it, but I was too busy avoiding myself.
I had wanted to deny this truth about her given to how much I had unconsciously believed her to be better, stronger, more organized, and perfect in all that she does. But it was self serving at best and I just came in the way of her staying consistent with that since my physical ills from time to time meant that she had to also trauma bond with me and hence her shaming me in the disguise of ruminating over my father's untimely demise from ages ago, and how all that's getting replayed when looking at me so weak and ill, was just a cover for strengthening her sympathy skin and protecting herself as she's comfortable in her core that way. I am not empathizing any of her hiding and throwing wool on others eyes including mine, but seeing her for who she is truly is both a relief and also liberating for undoing all these crap conditionings that just screwed with my mental health.
Not being aware of my real feelings, and not going out there to open up and trust someone that I could talk to and get clear about my emotions, meant that all the explosions happened in the form of fantasies where I could assume the self confident, assertive, no nonsensical person tone in all the role plays that I indulged myself in.
I am responsible for my own mental health and feelings and emotions no matter how free flowing or snowballed they maybe. I am happy that they are free flowing now.
I am surprised and shocked that how neglectful can a parent be and yet claim that they have made a world of difference in their child's life. Birthing me, my mother did, but growing up, it was all me. She materially provided for me to grow up and instilled certain habits that have got to do with eating food on time, having medicines on time, and when feeling unwell, reach out to the doctors on time - the first two seem to stick with me, but discovering more of my hidden grief, repressions, anger, feelings of betrayal for trust being broken so many times and so on have been really healing. Not that I don't need a doctor, but I am happy to acknowledge that the physical ills that used to disorient me, scare me, and make me feel as if my body is intimidating me have been a part of my life from my past, but I don't feel the need to depend on an emotionally neglectful person to further the persistent state of trauma that I was always living in - there's a way out by simply being true to my emotions and feelings, and by stepping into my reality and accepting myself for who I am, physically or otherwise, and just keep moving on.
I don't need the approval of others to make me feel accepted and normal. It's in fact a painful disrespect to myself that I had put myself into over and over for lack of self actualization and appreciation.
Trauma is who I became in a way I guess and do not wish to leave this planet feeling all traumatized and stuck on unresolved feelings.
I have been emotionally neglected by the other members of my family as a pattern as they assumed that my mother's overindulging and infanticizing me and my needs are enough, and could never sense the growing disconnect within me for my own feelings and deep seated depression as a result. It didn't even appear as emotional neglect to them let alone stepping in to support me way back when I was a child or be a voice to my feelings. All the material comfort that they saw is all that I got and I too assumed that that's enough and never opened up to talk about any lack and felt that I couldn't breach any form of disloyalty to my mother as she had wrapped me up in her finger and had so deftly controlled me in keeping me all ignorant and ill supported for self growth.
Her support can only be so much and only for so long but living under this impression that everything lasts forever was my biggest ignorance and something that I was painfully unaware until my marriage.
After my marriage and that too an arranged one and a lifetime partnership that got settled in a span of 2 months tops was the major spin off for making me come face to face with the fact that material pampering does not last forever. What was assumingly love for me in my head from my mother was not what I got from my husband and my in-laws. I downsized love to just that unfortunately.
In fact I had attracted a companion who was so loyal to his trauma bond with his parents as his parents made him to believe that that's the kind of loyalty he was supposed to have in order to serve them as they had worked their asses off trying to win their approval and respect from their family which they never received, and also financial support from their fellow siblings which they only sparingly, and all of 'the unconditional support from family for all the sacrifices done earlier' just remained expectations and nothing more. And so I was expected to partner with him in infanticizing his parents needs foremost and making them all inclusive of my life even if my husband and I lived separate from them and yet in close proximity to them so that they could continue to give the impression that they are the most forthcoming parents for all the trauma and troubles that they have themselves gone through and yet want only the best for their only son and his wife and that includes giving us our space. They gave us our 'freedom' and if not for them, we wouldn't have a life together!
Entitled for respect, for food and care as and when they feel like they need which I need to tune into(even if they were and still are in good enough health to take responsibility for themselves) as I am obligated as their daughter-in-law to do so, which is as per their expectations, and allow them to live off our combined generosity, my husband and mine.
My father-in-law had thrown away prioritizing his life and making the most of his work opportunities and just struck losses in whichever job venture he set his mind on, and just tried to live off the generosity of his siblings as he stayed bitter and broken and irresponsible for not just his life but also his wife and the 3 children that he let down. Absent of money and material comforts, food, and a secure sense of living, my mother-in-law has been a broken mess in progress and even if all these be their past, they do not want to let this go and keep guilt tripping, gaslighting others (me in this context) and do so with expectation that they will be taken care of. They do not wish to outgrow their insecurities, even if they have the needed material comforts and health to an extent by their side, but expect that their son and daughter-in-law bend over backwards to fix all their brokenness and assure them from time to time and make things alright. In other words being empathetic to their entitled feelings that they want others to read, reach out, and fulfill is an utterly tiresome job. They brought upon themselves their material poverty and expected bad choices to work for them and just felt betrayed and ridiculed and also robbed off some jewels, which my mother-in-law had lost in the process of being married to my father-in-law, thanks to his not too trustworthy relatives, but staying angry, bitter, sad, vindictive, covertly narcissistic, emotionally manipulative as a result despite decades of coming out of all these struggles is also her/their choice. Just ruminating and keeping them alive so that she can get all the sympathy from me, get all the freebies like food and care for them on time whenever they ask for it (since we lived close to them in the neighborhood) and disguise their motives under all the suffering that they had gone through in the past and so have earned the right and the obligation to expect all these and more from her 'daughter' like daughter-in-law for their own calculated benefits.
I saw through all these layers and was not as stuck and avoidant like my husband who could see his parents intentions from me but was too weak back then mentally to fully support me and my boundary setting and had wanted to avoid conflict of any kind at all costs. So, appeasing his parents while enjoying his new found intimacies with me back then worked out fine for him. But their constant cribbing on why I reduced my visits to their house, why was I not forthcoming to ask if I could be of some help to them, why was I not accompanying them whenever they visited other elderly family members' houses, family gatherings and so on was something he couldn't control for long.
He had minimized his real suffering and trauma of being given food only once a day in his childhood by his parents, of separating him from his 2 younger sisters by placing them each in a family member's house who could take them so that they could have some sense of material security as his parents didn't provide anything close to that to all 3 of them and just broke their childhood, are some of his sad but true horrid tales of utter parental dysfunction, be it emotionally, financially and any other thing possible.
They are too proud to take responsibility for their irresponsibility and want their children to step up and save their face which they have tiringly and thanklessly done so, but are too tired themselves to want to continue to champion their parents as a cause and avoid living their lives as a result which they had been doing all along, and are getting to live whatever bit and however fragmented it seems for them by being away from them - my husband in his own way with me and his 2 sisters in their own way with their families.
Screwed up people screw up people, that's all. They won't take the deep dive, ask for support for getting better for their own good, and will act all high and mighty and noble, and just continue living their dysfunctional conditionings as their pattern and blame everyone and anyone for who they are today and expect people to feel sorry for them but not ridicule or put them down. My in-laws have not earned respect for themselves the right way and their fragile egos to which they are too strongly bound as if it's their secure attachment and all that they have, while people around them are too busy living their lives and working on building their health, career, material stuff and so on.
They would risk breaking their relations off with people but not allow for their egos to break as it's their nucleus and their home. I didn't belong there, didn't want to, and am alright being a namesake member of their family.
My husband and I are finally able to see the truths about our parents and about ourselves too and so continue to live together to explore more about ourselves now and interesting stuff that we could talk about, watch stuff on tv or the net , and just like being a team and work together through each day as it comes. That's another side of my trauma recovery in progress.
Traumatized people need not traumatize others just to give another a taste of their suffering but find some amount of humanity in themselves still so that they can see the trauma of others as is and be sensitive to them. Entitlement, victimhood, and tall expectations will not take people anywhere, and close to others hearts, never.
No comments:
Post a Comment