It was all about fear and seeking approval for not being good enough to my mother and my uncles and aunts. It had all to do with my high sensitivity and that something is wrong with how sensitive, weak and sick I am and I thought the same way about me and I wanted me to be fixed and repressed my feelings to numbness if that's what it takes to just enable in my getting better physically so that I appear perfect enough for my mother specially. She couldn't stand to go through episode after episode of my migraines as the nausea and weakness reminded her of appa (my father) who died in the early onset of her pregnancy and it has been a long journey of mother and I so far.
She expected me to be everything and more and it just put me under tremendous stress and fear for letting her down as I was equally confused for not knowing how to be me in the first place let alone filling all her blank spots in her life ideally.
I craved for some form of validation for being just me even if that meant a weak attempt but didn't quite know how to break the shell. And so afraid of letting her down any more, I hid under the shell and assumed that my unprocessed emotions, sensitivity, myriad feelings will not come in the way as I just numbed them down wanting them to be invisible as I too felt that way on the outside as amma had no idea about another's personal boundaries and just felt that fearing for me and protecting me with material comforts were enough to keep me safe in the shell.
My body became a disconnected mess as I was everything physically but no joy reflected from my persona. I started to camouflage in this dissociation further as one distinct part of me I felt had left and was possibly my soul and there's no words to exactly define this feeling of emptiness - it just felt like I had everything but still had nothing - that nothing indicated my own true feelings about what was it to experience life in my terms which was all that was missing. A body without a cause for wanting to be full of life.
So in order to want to appear fit and physically healthy and not trigger my mother's wounded past, I just shoved down heaps and heaps of frustration, sadness, anger, and just abandonment for how she tossed away her dump pile of criticisms on me for being too sensitive. It's like she had to toxic vomit as an after effect of my migraine and nausea and shame me into feeling guilty by calling upon other elders of the family and subjecting me to her ruminating dose of the challenges of being a single parent and how hard it was to go though it all by herself without a partner and this grieving over my migraines continued well into other health issues as she insulated my shell with her fears of losing me ass well and I had to be mindful of not letting her down and had to be alive for her.
Being alive for her felt like a broken cause and so I borrowed some from my deceased father who was supposedly a good though amateur writer (he had worked in a public sector as an accounts officer) and assumed that by being a good writer was some way to fill in his possible blanks of his short life and that by being an extension to this self assumed cause could possibly justify my being alive.
Being present to myself and to my feelings was an unknown concept as I preferred staying as invisible as possible in the dysfunctional joint family that I was a part of. It's like so many people come together only to see you but not feel you or understand you and that feeling just made like a floating body with two legs on ground as I just wanted to disappear more and more from life.
My life, my space, my hurts, my brokenness, my mind, my soul are all new realizations that have started to dawn on me for few years now as Lord Muruga's Vel speared through a life consuming almost near end moment when I thought my fever and cough and the way it shook me up was enough to end my life. Vel was a vision and a reality that just came straight at me while I was seated on the sofa fully exhausted and feeling like I am just done and while Vel Maaral was playing on the tv at that time, this vision of Muruga's weapon came out the tv screen straight at me and pierced into my chest. It felt surreal, it felt like I had reconnected with my soul purpose for experiencing my life just as is and not to enable and lean back into anyone else's misery and call that as my experience.
I have continued to witness Muruga Perumaan's miracles even prior to this incident but my fears and self doubt over seeing, hearing some things which are so out of ordinary made me reel in into the patterns that I was used to and not step into my faith to see and understand the bigger picture that even the brokenness of my soul could not deter from happening.
Soul remains but the essence of how it wants to express itself through a given person's body and how authentic is that experience of doing so is the unlocking of this soulful experience which I am glad I have begun to tap into. And Muruga Perumaan has been the most giving and compassionate Supreme Soul who knows when to reach out in times of utter need and has pulled me out of a semblance of emotional coma if you will for all these years and has awakened me to a purpose that's beyond the self imposed limitations and environmental dysfunctions.
It's like when He chooses to give, then He does. His love for me and his life giving gifts through very fragile episodes of my health challenges have made me realize that there's a power higher than fear and that's love. I feel at a loss for words to describe the extent to which His guidance, his timely help, and simply the way he shows up happens. I love Him immensely for letting me be, for nurturing me back to feeling safe and for restoring my trust in my body and to lean in into the truth of his essence that holds my soul together within the true spirit of living life to the best level possible.
I am taking slow, baby steps but I know that loving him back has been a life saving and an incredibly joyful experience and I still go through pangs of anxiety and fear and so on but to break free from the shell of enabling and sponging in another's life story is a new birth in itself. A new life away from the enmeshment of my mother and whether I am with her or stay away, following my soul's guiding light through the shining vel is a beautiful journey of so many discoveries and blessings for me and I can't be thankful enough to Muruga Perumaan for changing the course of my life.
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