I am so used to being sad for no reason that whatever reasons I find to snap out of my sadness seems like a distraction and I tell myself that it's only just until I get to numb my feelings, as if numbness is my destination and I just can't get stuck with taking a detour to working on feeling something more than sadness - it's as if I am letting myself be sad and the sad truth is my family has been seeing me this way day in and day out and just accept me as if it's a normal thing with me being all so quiet and introverted but with all my frozen sadness within and which they don't care to see and are hardened by their own veils to bother to look beyond them.
This dead end that I was not able to work past and without anyone's support and believing that I am too weak to support myself in any form or way made it a no way out but to get stuck with this ruminating path that leads nowhere.
I feel more sad having realized the huge hollowness that this numbing has led to and this grieving for being avoidant, dismissive, and insensitive to my feelings as if my life mission for each day is to get past this dead end but keep trying to feel alive to face it every day like a routine. How can I be so self destructive? How can I shut myself off feeling anything but just sadness? My mother made me feel like an extension to her tragedy and frustration, agreed, but do I stay in that as a shadow in order to adapt to this limited interpretation which I believed is who I am all about.
And when coming to the light through this hardened ignorance and thick fog, it feels like I had remained disillusioned in my own make-believe illusion world of living like a shadow to my mother's self absorbed feelings about losing my father and the world is all set against her in some way or the other and that sadness and getting sympathy was her ticket to thriving in a joint family along with her brothers and their wives and their children. What works for her need not work for me and this distinct voice to express what feels like truly me is something I am opening myself to and hearing myself out and trying to be compassionate and unconditionally accepting and give myself some flak for whatever I manage to do or not.
It's very hard to want to thrive in your own space without having to feel like a shadow to another being specially and all the almost realistic imaginary explosion in my head proving that I am this and good enough for that are just ways to cope up for having compromised on my emotional/mental space and for having gotten weakened more and more for carrying a lot of overwhelm, guilt, anger, helplessness, and lack of power and control over claiming what is truly mine.
This staying wrapped up in her shadow has made me doubt my identity, my existence, purpose, direction to take in life, and a yawning wide in coming away from myself as if I need the imaginations in my head to be my shadow for a lack of rebuilding my self from scratch. I am working on it but can't seem to get myself together for my true self seems to be out of grasp similar to a shadow that doesn't know how to survive by itself and needs someone or the other to justify to being one.
And so all the knowledge, creativity, and problem solving abilities and so on get wasted to being a shadow trail and not wake up fully to my inner light which has been the reason for coming out slowly from being a shadow as I express about it in this writeup.
Clinging to being a shadow as well as wanting myself out of the shadow is like being aware of the obsession but not able to cut off from practicing that obsession which is like a habit.
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