I grew up trained to be in fear and worry about how to be good enough for my mother as she had made a habit of making me feel bad about my body. I feared deep down and was caught up in confusing feelings that the person whom I trusted most made me feel like an outsider to my body by criticizing it so much and quite regularly so that I didn't know if I had to be defensive about it or defend my dead father whom she brought up in every health issue of mine (almost) as he had left us prior to my being born due to a sudden cardiac arrest, and all her broken dreams of a long happily married life with him and their future together with the baby had all gotten shattered. The ensuing anger that she had bottled up kept coming up whenever my health failed to meet her expectations - the point was that she had been through enough already and that my frequent migraines and other not so life threatening issues and maybe one or two serious ones had all been treated by me as dust that need to be suppressed under my life carpet and which I did but not realizing then that this act of suppressing and stifling my feelings in order to look good for her was laying the seeds for being a fake from within.
When you are not true to yourself and sensitive enough to understand how best to deal with your body, your emotions, and how to process stagnation of your feelings and release them from time to time through some proactive means if possible that could be for your good and more importantly to have someone next to you who cares enough about you to see how far you are going away from yourself is the start to feeling disconnected from your reality - the reality that you create as a response to adapting to someone's mood swings and judgements is the most limiting feeling and that when practiced for a long time becomes your belief that you need to fear to stretch yourself beyond a point physically specially lest it makes you feel weak all over again to seek support and withdraw from giving yourself a chance to come out of that comfort zone. Fear and withdrawal are not healthy means to train your mind to discipline yourself and just rotting in the pent up energy, drive, missed opportunities, and weary enthusiasm is the outcome of lack of self discipline.
How long to hang on to such dead end habits is the question...Having fought within myself for so long that all the courage to actually face reality seems worn out. I know I will get up not because 'I have to' live but living through it all, pains, suppressions, withdrawals, stagnations, over thinking, procrastination, lack of clarity in goal setting is something that had made me who I was but to be true to myself in such vulnerable times is who I am now and I am proud of how far I have come despite the emotional abuse from my mother, my long term dormant depression, addiction to stress, self destructive coping up and so on.
I don't doubt myself anymore if I had really gone through so much and just downsize it to make it sound like nothing because it was terribly hard for what it's worth to be your own support system emotionally and mentally and having a huge family like my mother's relatives besides her to live along with makes it all the more harder to release that family makes you biologically and materially nurture you but when they are not with you truly in your times of real need, then it's not worth it to hang on to such memories.
Families are made and sent to us while we are born and we can't get to choose them but how to navigate through a bunch of people who see you but don't see the depths of despair that makes you believe that you are invisible to them and just cope up with it anyway is the loophole that only unconditional self love can provide. I can't jump through this phase by just suppressing my truths but discovering my true courage by being open to my vulnerabilities and accepting them for what it is is the way to allow myself the freedom of expression.
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