A narcissistic parent (my mother) makes you feel as if everything about you is a problem and my mother made me feel just that with my physical body, and I couldn't obviously take any issues related to my emotions or feelings because she would again make me feel that they are such a problem and that she is having to do everything despite my father's demise (And recollecting in great detail about the last day of his passing plus the overwhelm and disappointment plus anger that she had nurtured for him which again seems to manifest through me and which again pulls her down).
So, the way she reacted, shamed, criticized, and made me feel guilty were all my problems which in fact was not but I got so blurred by her constant reenactment of shaming, criticizing and make me feel guilty for having problems and was termed "over sensitive" for that that I started to believe that I am in fact her problem. And despite making me feel like I am a case of charity and that she has been pretty generous in birthing me despite her trauma behind her delivery and also having to be a single parent, I felt helpless in this loop of narrative that I got entwined and fully caught up knotted in this screenplay which was not my life oriented but I felt I hardly had any say in that and completely trusted her that all the "over protection" and fussing about my body and health was in fact her love but it clearly wasn't.
A love that's clearly made vocal and visible as a way to make her happy by being as less of a maintenance as possible for her and to keep shrinking myself in this process in respect to honoring my emotions, my hurts, my feelings in its due space which I never truly embodied as my body physically in itself felt so faulty for me that I completely dug up a grave for my emotions to keep being buried and not come out as I could not be alive fully physically and emotionally and have a flux of energy which might come through in its own organic way had it been allowed to rather than suffocating me with her conditional way of making me feel that love from her had to be earned and each time my health for even some small issue or the other shows up for support, she would make sure that she shames me enough that going in invisibility mode as much as possible and for that shrinking my sense of self as much as possible was the only coping that I could think of in order to survive with her.
She was and will always be a toxic parent who can only think for her happiness and comfort and no matter what she says she does for me always ends up feeling like she's doing charity to me.
To be the bigger person is not what dealing with a narcissistic person all about, but to open only that much that can hold space for my emotions and priorities in whatever aspects of my life that there can be. I have absorbed enough of her and have her so stuck and embedded in me still that she feels like the scar that comes with deep wounds. Maybe I can't bury it as if it doesn't matter and neither do I have to limit myself to thinking that my space for my presence, my aliveness, my being, my quirks, moods and so on has to be unimportant because it matters to me and I am responsible for owning it.
I had gone deep within myself for few years now and have unearthed this truth that my emotions and feelings are a part of my everyday reality and just because I chose to neglect it so much that it almost felt lifeless within me and to bring them to the light of this realization and allowing them to be with kindness and acceptance and being the caring parent that my mother was never to me is my finding.
I used to think that I need to abandon again all this darkness and sadness of not having embraced my emotions and feelings and was distracting and binging on tv or whatever activities that interested me at that moment just to escape facing the truth that I comprise both body and emotions together to become a wholesome human and that coming home to this truth is all that matters. It's not how ideal, or how I should or should not be, or should have been or not that matters, it's simply a direct sense of acknowledgement that all these highs and lows and everything in between is what makes life what it is and not hinged on how others approve of me (my mother or my other relatives) for who I am but my honest embodying of who I am all inclusive of - the good, bad, and ugly sides of me and seeing it for what it is without harsh judgements and minimizing my experiences is what love and acceptance for myself truly is.
I have wounded myself enough as well by taking upon others energies and thinking that they would somehow heal or soothe me, but that's far from the truth. Nothing more humbling, healing, and calming than seeing and deeply feeling this connect with my emotions which I now have started to interact with and express it wherever possible whether verbally, through writing, and so on are what have given my self the voice it needed.
I cannot others to speak for me and be honest in doing so as what they perceive, project, and want to program me or others with is not what helps me align with my core self. It's still an unknown in many ways also but the road to recovering and meeting my true self is not a suppressed, illusionary, or minimized concept anymore. It's a work in progress treasure retrieval which shines like fireflies in every shadow cave that I had been hiding in.
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