Choosing distraction was a way for me to keep staying in disconnection mode. Maybe because I never knew earlier what staying connected with me really looked like, and also wanted to stay distracted after realizing this truth after years of staying disconnected with myself (no matter what means I chose to do so) was extremely painful. The fact that I chose to live outside of myself and didn't feel like my body, my life was/is a safe space to belong to was showing up as my repeated pattern of survival and not living.
The vacuum of living disconnected with oneself and not having enough clarity to express how deeply sad and disorienting it is, as if the the motivation to live is replaced with helplessness of living and no other choice but to endure or persevere with this is a dark space which I have become aware of and released/releasing this as and when it shows up.
Time seems to have become fluid as there's no dense energy or lessening of dense energy around painful memories locked in time. Energy to be as and how I can be on a given day is what has come up rather than performing for others in order to fit in to their expectations and projections.
Earlier my life seemed like a trauma owing to my mother's way of wanting to see me as an extension to her and since she had passive anger around my father's sudden passing, she kept her wound alive by rubbing it on me. And therefore my getting hurt seemed secondary as her vocalizing about her shock/trauma/anger/frustration and everything in short about her entitled expectation from her life partner was met with disappointment and she needed me in order to blame, shame, and project on me as if I am supposed to be her extension and that extension should act according to her control but disguised under over protection of me. Over protection doesn't mean more love but more control in order to make me worth her time and money. And I repeatedly tried to fit with this extension mold not knowing that I was going farther away from my self.
This shedding of all these thickened layers of survival skins I had worn and forced in to fit as I was simply not ready to face the naked truth about who I am without all of these "protective" gears which simply disempowered me.
And so living oblivious to my real needs, reality, feelings, emotions and so on was like a default pattern to stay distracted and ignorant about being true to myself, and to salvage that I had kept trying to mentally use up all my energy in figuring a way out to come together through books, writing, art and so on. Giving in to my mother's repeated criticisms over my health, sensitivity and her repeating of her traumas over having lost my father, and my giving up on willing to stand up for myself no matter what, kept me under the survival shadow for so long that the darkness started to get uncomfortable, and I had to crawl or inch my way out gradually until I couldn't convince myself that I need to live adapting to my limitations (body) and suppress my emotions as a way of coping up instead of really living.
This dysregulation had to be dealt with head on through the nervous system regulation reset and has been a blessing in disguise, whatever health issue that had recently showed up, and despite it's being present I chose to continue to be on the nervous system regulation path until the end of the program that I had signed up for. The will to be present for myself is the most beautiful takeaway for me from this reset, and this was not at all comfortable but truly timely and needed.
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