Enmeshment ends

 Being abandoned by my mother felt so real and kept making me feel attached to her grief, her frustration, criticisms, helplessness, disappointments and so much more over losing my father, and I felt drowned in being attached to her emotions that it became toxic for my body. I had to discern and find a way through to get in touch with my body, feelings and emotions and a life that's separate from hers, which is mine, in order to feel authentic about my life experiences. 

I felt I couldn't connect at all with anyone other than the "not being good enough to my mother" template so much so that I shut my connection with myself and with others along the way for decades together. My connection to this template was seeded in anxiety, sadness, and deep rejection of myself and my say on anything that's related to me as everything in my life found it's way back to "not being good enough for my mother" - this was everyday conflict that I tried to shut down, suppress with my mind and so much so that I believed my body and mind, both being too weak, sensitive (again coined by my mother) and to the point of abandoning them as not part of my whole, and felt fragmented in adapting to this self destructive template and working towards which never made me feel enough, joyful within myself, or simply feel I am being true to myself (which I wasn't clearly). 

I lived distancing from myself which in turn made me feel isolated and unconscious about my path, the energies, goals I need to have in order to align with in order to come home to myself. While my mother felt she was abandoned by my father when he passed away too young and sudden and when they were expecting their child (me), and my absorbing, while growing up, her disappointment, her anger in feeling abandoned by my father was all so real and the only truth supposedly that I could connect to, and nothing about channeling my energies towards my life, interests, pursuits and so on, I ended up abandoning myself, my body, emotions, and genuine sense of connections with them and with anyone else in my life.

The roots of my life were intertwined with those of another's. It's time to set myself and my roots free.