Being raised by a narcissistic mother damages everything in my sense of self. Like how I minimize my feelings as if they don't mean anything. Like how emotionally invested I had needed to be in order to assume responsibility for making my mother happy, and doing so while being completely vacant and no sense of aliveness or joy in me. I have struggled to put on a brave face, totally "normal" in physical health and with a completely non existent side of me with respect to my emotions and feelings as if they have remained in eclipse, in total darkness under the pretext of a false sunny self.
And I cannot really suppress this anymore no matter how much binging I get to do to escape facing this truth about me. It's like becoming aware that I am not fully numb yet and that there's still life left in me that I can cry and let out my suppressed emotions, my unspoken feelings, and my un expressed sadness, anger, helpless over having to cope with such a parent and in a complex joint family system which doubly multiples the confusion and overwhelm that I had been hiding for so long in the past that I became some kind of expert in staying in denial and not being true to my feelings.
But not acknowledging this truth and assuming that it could be seen as weak, seen as immature, totally ignorant, and blinded by all the coping is all true again but I can't stay stuck as an ostrich in the mud anymore. The path ahead is not what I am good at in terms of setting goals, or plans, expectations from myself and so on. It's just a beautiful phase of awakening where my hidden self can't remain in the shadows anymore and I do not want to be enmeshed with my shadows in order to survive at least there, but actually step out of my shadows to really live. And that in itself is the plan as of now.
It's more hurtful to pretend that all these don't affect or sadden me because they truly do, and it's not in minimizing all these experiences that I would be on the path towards self healing, but in staying with this release and allowing myself to slow down and process what my true self would actually want to be like and live like that - without guilt, without shame, without self doubt, and without limiting my space for seeking approval from others, or to put others job, needs first in order to keep adapting to a very minimal sense of personal space.
Because I was made to feel so small (through constant criticizing, comparing, body shaming by my mother) and easily giving in to who I was made to believe I should be and I thought I should be that that I lost connect with who I truly and naturally could grow into.
A human who has been programmed or conditioned to remain a fake extension to the mother's superficial sense of her self. A mother who is never emotionally rich but a controller disguised as a protector and it stifles the freedom and unconditional aspect out of true love - a true love that I can never expect my mother might reciprocate as she has only been keen on tapping into and squeezing my presence, tolerance, time, energy, space, flexibility, and finally my self in order to make me a shadow of a person who would stay as enmeshed with her as always and remain confused to assume that it is love which in fact it isn't. A love that I had to work for and prove that I am good enough, healthy enough, smart enough in order to receive her attention if not anything else. But her attention only was like a snowballing effect carrying with it my father's passing away memories and projecting it on me as I had a lot of my father's and still do have aspects which was for her annoying and frustrating.
I have tolerated all this so much and for each and every drop of a hat health issue episode that she almost knocked the life energy out of me as I had very little of aliveness left even if I were physically alright and all, but so much I had suppressed that in me thinking that that would help me cope up with my mother's emotional turbulence which is something I had to tiptoe around and shut down into further spiraling silence and numbness that my emotions even stopped to show up as shadows in the dark but instead became the dark.
To live in the darkness of it all and to become aware that I have survived this darkness, and inched my way to face my feelings, feel my emotions, and see my truth as they appear now as my writing mirrors to me all these as they are in the light of my consciousness. I do not need to distract myself in order to unsee this and keep myself preoccupied with some or other thing to watch, to read, to learn and so on, but simply honor this. Because this is a part I need to connect to to embrace who I am fully, truly and not avoid in order to disconnect this shadow side of me as if they don't belong to me. They are all inclusive of me and make me who I am.
I am thankful to myself to sit through this tough, almost tearing me into pieces phase but I also acknowledge that I have the courage to face my suppressed parts without fear, criticism, avoidance, or numbing. Because I like myself enough to want to take this chance with myself to deep dive and unearth what's beneath he unconscious and come out with various learnings which are many a time deep, true, emotional, and unique to my personality.
No book, no podcast, or no binging can provide me with this, and it's because I am who I am that my life mirrors what it really is and opening my eyes to fully look at it with calm observation, quiet, grounding, contemplation, and also journaling.
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