Be true to loving yourself

The pain of facing my truth was far greater and more overwhelming than expected. It was not a matter of pride anymore that I too can face my truths and be truthful as if to prove to my intuition which came up with a whispering "I am not being true". What a joke! How far away from my real self I had gone away from was the bitter truth and no matter how much I try and divert my attention, binge watch shows, and try to numb my feelings, it won't just go away. 

The discovery of real pain was the unknown and the pseudo one that had physical weakness and regular migraines written all over it was just the layer that covered the actual pain which I had begun to discover post my intuitive wake up call to be true to myself. Not that my bodily pains were fake from any angle, but the 'used to it' feeling and also having to adapt to my mother's limited ways of seeing and understanding me was also a non support support that I had to painfully resign myself to no matter how much I tried to repress it all under fake positivity. 

I just couldn't bring myself to talk about all this with anyone because I felt too small, almost to the point of feeling invisible and just had to merge with a crowd of family members and with friends, I had to just be on the listening end as if to drown my sadness away in prioritizing their problems and simply minimizing mine as nothing and silencing them. Not that any friend noticed my doing so as all that they cared for was to be vocal about their issues no matter how small or trivial it maybe. 

I was so defined by my health problems that I began to identify myself as powerless but kept it repressed as if I was giving the image of perseverance. But in truth I persevered to try to be as disconnected with myself as possible and projected some intellectual image of intelligence, humility, skill and so on. I had no pride in who I was nor in what I did. The loop had to be maintained and that was to minimize myself as much possible, and that was because of the deep seated disappointment in myself and also guilt that I could be of no use to my mother except being a bodily weak person who constantly fell sick. 

My resilience to want to build a strong real persona was so lacking that I conveniently hid this under the physical weakness aspect. I didn't see any point I guess to want to unearth my inner strength and want to believe in that and build a more truthful and honest relationship with myself. No action, no self love, no goals, no passion, no compelling ego, no vision for future, just nothing. And to unearth all these truths one by one or in whatever random order that it came up in simply stirred, angered, and broke me a lot. It was the real pain after all and having found another hiding mechanism as in watching shows, movies, instead of hiding under physical weakness as I had done earlier, I have to come face to face with this aspect of myself that I can't forever create some kind of escape outlets or the other in order to not feel my real emotions, feelings, and experience life deeply. The more I have abandoned my life earlier as a child and much later as a grown up even, that much deeper my quest to want to connect with all aspects of myself as some sort of redemption. Not that the lost phases of time, experiences, connections with more people can be redeemed, but this is my life given to me. 

How much of a loss I am at in avoiding living and taking control of doing so is all on me. 

And that's why the need to want to attach, merge, connect or whatever with Lord Muruga so much as if to make up for all the pains of having lost out on living due to an ill programmed understanding and weak attitude towards living put together -  I don't know if I have any strength left in me as it's an empty space that has no scope for filling it up with whatever I might have wanted back then but couldn't acquire or manifest, and so the limitations mirror with a thousand refractions as if to reflect the life that I had been living in all along which is again one of the ways deeper truths show up. 

When one's core truths pass through fears, anxieties, obsessions, and so many more diversions, they hide the light they so wish to throw light on. And I am glad I am able to see this light for what it is even if it reveals a very vulnerable side in me. 

Everything seems interconnected now. No matter how far away from my reality I might have gone away from, the path back to my truth or truths is through these lies, these half truths, and self limiting beliefs that I had held onto. This releasing, purging, and recalibrating frequency has been a full on arc, a very important pathway to meet my truths slowly, sometimes suddenly, and to embrace all this with kindness has been hard, but it's work in progress. Because I am so used to minimizing myself as if rejecting myself so much so to the point of numbing and wanting to be invisible that all these attitudes towards myself is something I need to work on. 

Self love is not hard, but the layers of past conditionings that make you believe that you are not worth it is the hardest to break free and to let to of as that's the closest to our "truth" that we have assumed ourselves to be. As love had to be earned from someone outside, it was always deficit, and I deeply believed that I am not worth being loved for who I am. And when this core belief begins to get shaken up, you are left with only yourself to hold on to in order to heal this belief, and heal it with love. Because the amount of self criticisms that I had rallied on against myself is so ingrained and so habitual that it's almost cruel. 

To see love for myself die as if it's some lifeless object that is defective, powerless, and guilty is the most cruel that I can be towards myself and I had been living in a self imprisoned life sentence of sorts as if to bear the weight of this burden till my last breath, and this unfolding of this burden that came to light as my truth was a lot to bear. It simply crushed me. 

I am glad that I am able to recognize and release it as I journal it now through this blog. 

Two Pillars

Protection and criticism were the two pillars that I went running to and back in order to justify my journey. These two kept me bound and small and made me assume that I need to be alright with criticism from my mother and her overbearing protection of me in order to justify my love for her. It felt heavy, this signing up to be confined to being so contracted and yet blindly doing so like a programmed puppet who's oblivious to her mental fog and emotional handicap.

Keeping myself on the hindsight and losing focus on what truly matters to me and my growth as a person was simply self destructive at best. And cutting myself off the tied ropes to these pillars was blocked by my unwillingness and lack of integrity and honesty with myself and my feelings. 

And when my intuition whispered out loud in the middle of the night in 2019, I had to wake up to face the "I am not being true" flash message. It upset my carefully constructed tower of lies which was stubbornly rooted in my broken ego, arrogance, and repressions for over many years till then. I tried to deep dive to unearth my truths as if I wanted to disprove my intuition itself and prove it wrong! But the more I navigated, the more I lost sight of the roots that had held onto my limiting beliefs and this sinking feeling in the depth of my lies, hurts, betrayals, anger, sadness and so many unresolved emotions was the new root albeit on a bed of thorns it seemed then.

The path to one's truth(s) is not a straight line connected by one's logic, and all the inner criticism that followed one truthful realization after the other didn't help me sit comfortably with my past and derailed me to look forward to anything that I was connected to no matter however creative I might be.

To unlearn what you held close to your heart as real protection and security were disrupted from the core as I had to learn to let go out of sheer brokenness my mother's influenced concepts which cocooned my real growth as a person. 

The path of slow, tiny steps to one's flight and freeing from the heaviness of it all naturally and gradually became really important. The layers of false, limiting beliefs cannot be the substitutes for a safe cocoon and in its dilution and letting go, I was disillusioned with the concept of bonding with your family and trusting them for emotional support.

Divine intervention, guidance, blessing and so on may all mean the same, but when they appear at its designated time according to His will, it changes your life for good for real and that's irreversibly true. I felt the impact of this change within me as if a tool has been woken up to get readied, sharpened or refined for self protection and this is what Lord Muruga (My God and my all) has done with my life. His compassion on the face of my so many challenges seemed impossible to ignore and a daily bond as if venting, sharing, and confessing to Him became my habit. 

His lotus like two feet rests on my inner world no matter how murky, or still ridden with blocks it may be. These two new found pillars are completely trustworthy and for lifetimes to come and are like my parents, His two feet, which promise to protect and love, as I have taken baby steps to hold onto them. 

Ten Dance

 Ten Dance, a Japanese movie on Netflix is a BL movie which had made waves and still stirs up the interest of many audiences across the globe, is a compelling watch for the efforts put in both acting and dance by the lead pair. As a newbie in watching the homo genre movies/shows, this movie felt raw, loose in plot, and yet captivating for the lead performance of the pair, Ryoma Takeuchi and Keita Machida, who start off being rivals and come together to later fall apart because of their twisted reasons for love, and finally their passion for dance brings them together in the 10 dance format.

The movie was a demonstration for amateur audiences who may not be aware what ten dance competitions look like and kudos to both actors for putting their best foot forward, literally, as they dance to the five International Standard and five international Latin styles which tests the dancers endurance and versatility. 

Ryoma Takeuchi embodies the latin styles of dancing with such carefree spirit and fluidity that it made it a watcher's delight and his performance as much as his looks are a treat to watch. Keita Machida is the other cherry on this bl cake and he's simply kawai and cool and sophistication personified as the world dancing champion in the International Standard format who wants to move up to the first position and constantly pitted against many competent dancers and critics from other regional nationalities.

The chemistry between these actors seemed magnetic and beautiful and even if the story didn't come together as much as their chemistry did, and even for those uninitiated like me in watching bl shows or movies, this movie needs a closure in the sequel, a more nuanced one I hope, which would help audiences understand the unique space they wish to create as characters and not simply exaggerated versions of ambition and unrequited love in an unblended whole.

Opposites do attract, whether they be the opposite sexes or the same, but when motives behind why they(in this movie) behave, react, comply, compete, conflict, empathize and so on the way they do is not clearly outlined in connecting plots of the story narrative, then audiences are only left with absorbing the visual dynamics and unspoken love language which by itself is not enough. Complicated relationships cannot be explained perhaps but bringing together ambition and love as the leading heroes is unique and a space to watch out for.

Empty Vessel

 Living in my own made up lad of friends, conversations, humor, understanding and so much more is my inner space more or less. I am a creator who's vested with the sole rights to create, stretch, live, laugh, get moody and so on in this space that only I can get in and out of. A tunnel of make believe which keeps me company and keeps me in the dark of wanting to connect with real people outside of my make believe which I have never wanted to honestly - this loop of imagination keeps me under the impression that I am just genuine in who I am being whether I talk, or joke, or laugh, whatever that be. I am true to this imaginary world so much so that I don't have much energy, focus, or interest left to want to connect to real people in real ways. I have had a deep yearning to want to be liked for truly who I am but had grown to dislike myself so much, having been under the perfection microscope of a frustrated and expertly criticizing single mother. 

I had let myself go so much so that I lost touch with who I really am - mood, behavior, likes, interests, good days, bad days, highs , lows and so on - someone who's frozen in a mold so much that I had to be loyal or programmed to stay that way because I couldn't care less about how far I had disconnected from myself and didn't realize back then that this was self erosion at best. And why? So that I can survive in such a family which again couldn't care less as long as I met their vague expectations.

I was weak in my resilience to want to be genuine as a person and be assertive in doing so. I resisted - my mother, my mother's family and their intimidating control, coldness, ego, drama, comparisons with other family members in dismissive ways. I resisted - getting close to get to know my true feelings about what I think about all of this at home and how I feel deep down about growing up in such an environment. 

I chose to procrastinate being who I am and the attitudes that I wanted to develop in order to grow as a person. All that has changed quite a bit. But my creating excuses to keep goal setting, trying to push myself to get to some activity that stirs up from within is so lacking and apparent that I have become comfortable with the numb pain that comes with it. Instead I look for motivation on the outside and act as if I am a sponging tool that just can sit through days and years sponging in life, people's activity around her without getting to live what it feels like being just myself in my own natural flow.

My natural flow has become adapting to others, their mindsets, attitudes, behaviors, and so much observation goes into all this that it becomes my survival mechanism - it has been that way for a long time now. But when I feel uncomfortable in thus observing, I withdraw, shut them down, and move my focus away onto other things. I don't like to get involved with people who make me feel uncomfortable in forms that I decipher through my sensing of who they are (sometimes intuitively, sometimes by observing their chain of patterns).

Either I try to want to feel as if I am a very important part in others lives or completely dismiss myself away to the point of avoiding social contact as much possible. So, in essence, my attitude about people, connections with them, trusting them, being empathetic to them are just random acts in my daily life and not a day to day involvement with fellow beings. I am too dismissive of my involvement with others and it's also due to how much I was ignored as a person when growing up in my childhood and how much I was criticized for simply being health wise sensitive by my mother. I had gotten used to a lot of invisibility in short and always figured out ways to stay invisible. 

All these are realized parts of me that cannot be minimized to make it look invisible and for all the namesake living that I had done for a long time, it simply has to be part of my life flow and I am simply allowing it to go. Flowing is just being, sometimes releasing, and at times taking a deep dive to come back up to the surface, to swirl with the loops and patterns and again release  them with the flow - my energy through it all feels mixed, heavy, overwhelming at times, and yet a beautiful, magical churning of sorts that places me back on the center of my core whatever that be - but just empty, still, clogs washed inside out and released feels natural as if all these movements and stillness in my mind and spirit are bringing me home as I tightly hold onto the vessel of life.

Fear has also been a major part to hold onto life, and fear not for getting to the subtle changes and flowing with them which I can discern sometimes but the fact that what was once comfortable and make believe are just that - I can't hold onto them either. It's in getting to know myself deeper, and navigating with the tides that creates a sense of ripples but even that too does pass. 

The more I am in the clear of where I am going and even if I am not at that point of time, but simply trust my journey and the spirit that guides from within is the most secure fastening to life that I can hold onto.

You are precious!

 Fear of uncertainty kept me feeling small, anxious, severely self limiting, and looking up to others for a push ahead. This uncertainty with respect to my health is something I identified with as if an eclipse projecting darkness on the entire sun and its surroundings. I became the eclipse and chose to remain one as if that would be a comfort zone guaranteed for life. Darkness is vague, mindless, goalless, and lacking of motivation to come to light. 

Darkness is a deeply withdrawing energy which sucks the core energy out of the believer who thinks she is keeping safe and trusting this "security" that this stillness/stagnation creates. Resting/pausing until one is really sure is one thing, but not wanting to embrace any movement/life/possibility ahead as I had been so used to pain and wanting to repress pain as much possible a loop of sorts was something I could never let go of. It became a comfort zone and minimizing myself in order to try to fit in with this comfort trap in loop became a compulsion.

This became my life and means to want to justify this mindset by adopting this limited view as my past which kept projecting its heavy presence in my present and a vague feeling of anxiety over my future.

It's like I had learnt unconsciously to let go life by living like this each day and kept waited for the push from outside to help align me with what needs to be done. As much as I did regret, stay angry, and blamed few for this self sabotaging behavior, but the truth is I didn't manage to learn to love myself the way I should have learnt. 

To love myself unapologetically and without any guilt, shame, doubt, or fear are my work in progress and I feel blessed and happy to be able to be present to this realization for now.

And I look forward to many such nows and to work to gather them like pearls lined up in a beautiful chain. Moments such as these are precious beyond any material achievements and professional degrees. And it's you, me, and each of us reading this and more who make this possible.

Let go fear of pain

 Fear of pain is all that I have known all my life. It has been a thick cementing of my personality as if I need to be in fear in order to adapt to my limited idea of self which is not just my knowing but what is projected by my mother on me - a critical, repetitive, verbally abusive mother who belittles me at every drop of my health and that happened quite a lot as I was not good enough for her perfect expectations.

Her being so oblivious to her small mindedness despite her generosity in her giving is a critical understanding for her which she is blind to as she prides in perfecting on her better than anyone else pride and hence cannot see herself truthfully for who she has been, good and bad put together.

The pain of being able to see this clearly eventually broke me from within -  as if a person a person whom I trusted most to mirror my life just broke my delusion of the mirror. As if the pain of wasted love on someone and feeling betrayed for having put up and endured with so much of her criticism was all for my detriment and it didn't support her emotionally in any way, as all she had bothered with was to continue to criticize me and be completely oblivious to my sacrifice and emotional suffocation.

This emotional pain had been numbed in my physical body for so long that my body cried in various forms of pain to help alert me to take action. All I did was again and again endure her criticisms on my health, my body, and came to this conclusion that people whom I trust to love, to expect something from maybe will inevitably hurt me, and that I can curtail my initiative and just take few customary steps and again withdraw.

I was too afraid to trust myself to let go this fear of uncertainty and had an underlying obsession to want to be liked by everyone and when I sense that they don't, then I withdraw some more in my shell, as if by doing this I might save myself from getting hurt.

I pigeonholed myself by thinking I am not worthy of love, attention, respect, and so on, and wanted everyone to see me that way so that I can handle their criticism, their judgement, their comparisons of me with another, their gaslighting and so on as that's what I was used to, and so adapting myself to this limitation, limited belief is all I had gone about doing and being.

To see myself wholly worthy of love, care, forgiveness, kindness, acceptance from myself is such a sore point, like a scab of wound which hurts to admit that it needs self love, self acceptance more than anything in this world, and that I need to uphold a healthy, kind, and a heart centered approach towards myself rather than logicalizing my past hurts and believing them to be true to me, which they are not.

I need to come home more and more to myself as I have the capacity to heal, to hold commitment to receive love from myself, and that I can allow my fear of pain to be set free. I don't have to expect more pain in exchange for pain, and it's alright to just let go this slowly, gently, calmly, one day at a time.

 

Coexisting with ego

Imperfections are our projected ways of defending our delusional ego so that we can seem like we shine and succeed at the cost of the ego's narrative within our heads. Whether the shine and succeed is real or imaginary depends on the ego's strength to be linked in tight and stable with our mind and personality.

Therefore a weak mind could reflect one's weak ego perhaps, and to develop the will to want to be heard, seen, understood, respected are efforts that strengthen that will. 

The control that we had submitted to ego or to a limited sense of perceiving ourselves and self doubting (unhealthy ego) are both two ends of the same pole.

Awareness of our behavior and self control is the opposite of (actual) ego and a purpose for one's life beyond ego is maybe unfathomable as we like to cling to how important we are as people over and above others.

Therefore our purpose is not to defeat our ego but to accept that its presence does not affect us the way it used to. Perfection is regularizing our ego with expectations of better results from ourselves but accepting ourselves with our flaws, negative emotions, vulnerabilities and unpredictable behaviors are some ways to mend our broken definitions about ourselves and to make space for more acceptance of ourselves in our day to day living. Changing others opinions about us does not make a difference, but changing the way we see ourselves sure does create that change in our lives.

Allowing ourselves to just be is enough and perfect in itself. Stop making your body, your health, your mind the recipients of your unrealistic expectations from yourself. Ego can make the unrealistic look logical or even reasonable, and how far do we go to keep alive our false beliefs about ourselves and believing in what others say about us and trying to prove them wrong are the daily handiworks of the triggering ego.

Awareness of how far can ego justify its presence, its validity, its importance depends on how much room we make for it. It's an uninvited guest who enjoys ownership rights without rent and lives off you, your sanity, your peace for free. We need to coexist with it, that's all. 

Blind spots

 The similarity in my fantasies and reality from the past is that I have not allowed for my truth to come out as if I need to safeguard how insecure, underconfident, and powerless I feel and have to project an ideal image as per requirements.

So empty, so directionless, and simply confused on how to take control back in my hands for my life has been a major blind spot in my life, and it's as if I needed to adapt around the blind spot rather than face my truth for what it is. Fantasies and day dreaming don't make anything easier, or more under a namesake control as I get to be the star of my imaginations and display most often than not bold, straightforward, verbally correct sense of expressions. It's rehearsed so many times, the scene of my expression, and spoken by me in various altered mood, behaviour, tone and so on that I make it believable that I need to stay longer in my day dreams so that my lack of taking control of my life in my hands gets justified by being a shadow version in fantasies.

Yes, this is my truth and this is not something that I need to separate myself from from my present reality as embracing everything - the known, unknown, unresolved, confusing, weird, crazy, sad, angry and so much more is part of my being who I am today as much as this was who I was and maybe in a varied version in my past.

The delusion of being something in my fantasies when there's a deep sense of nothing within is confusing to say the least. I have emptied a lot of what was holding back from my past, including these delusions, as I have finally realized that I can allow myself to be who I am without carrying the weight of fantasies, past hurts, unresolved emotions and feelings on my shoulder.

I don't have to punish myself for wasting my time, energy, opportunities etc by bearing the cross but letting it go is the only sane thing that I can try to do. 

At present there's no goals, no set direction of work but just recording, journaling my truths like these as and when they pop up and burst some more bubbles from my life.

I simply have to trust my inner divinity, my will to want to stay committed to deeper self realizations, spiritual connections, and liberations from what doesn't serve me anymore.

Break free from your past bubble

 Don't doubt your inner truths because self doubts influenced by mental conditioning and trauma patterns and adapting to them unconsciously may make you believe that you don't deserve to be receiving the pure, break your bones level of truths which at first rip your heart open, but only to make you aware of how long you have made your mental conditionings your comfort bubble and have lived in them.

In a sense it's to live outside of them, the bubble that you define and compress your entire life experiences in as if minimizing your efforts, struggles and so on makes logic. It doesn't. Not from near or afar, they don't. Living outside of the bubble means to first allow it to break and even if there are many other colorful ones that seem to want to draw you back in them, but it eventually breaks, the weight of your inner truths surpassing the light as air fantasies, imaginations, procrastinations no matter how real they seem.

Even if we separate this as truths and this and that as fantasies, but they all need to be embraced, not criticized, because these very same fantasies and imaginations had made life bearable, lively and for me at least had made my life something to look forward to. Because I preferred living in the bubbles and had the joy and creativity and spontaneity in my head to keep creating and living in them and so much so that they began to own me and became my significant other that gave me the feeling of being seen, being safe, being self confident and so on. And this significant other, my shadow, is part of me and hence true to who I wanted to be.

It's not safe I understand to be stuck in fantasies anymore. It's a very active part of me and I may not shut it down completely, but fantasies are creatures of flight and they cannot be expected to bear the real responsibility of living a life as I am responsible to live and not entirely live through fantasies. 

I wish to step into becoming more and more natural and genuine to my skin, to my thoughts, emotions and feelings and just shed the layers of acquired heavy past traumas which simply block me. And no amount of fantasies can soften the hurts from emotional neglect and past traumas, but it doesn't heal anything either and just mimics the pain as if I am in control of them and being all confident and bold - because my pain is lack of self confidence and simply fantasizing that I am self confident is just rubbing salt to my inner wounds.

Allowing myself to be is the start of healing, and willing for the healing to happen is putting more focused efforts to create a healthy bond with myself and not self abandon and neglect. Enduring others criticisms in order to seek validation is not part of my programming in order to cope up and survive with them. It's really not worth it to take anything and internalize within beyond a certain limit.

I am responsible for my life and I take control of my life in my hands for today and the days to come.

Shadows and shells

 Being enmeshed was part of the way I had adapted to collective consciousness and it consumed my full inner space as an individual where I had lost trust in myself as an autonomous individual. 

It's like I had to enmesh with others presence, personalities, past, present, or whatever it takes to stay diluted as an individual and live as a shadow irrespective of how much powerless it made me feel - it felt like a safety net, this enmeshment, and I had to stay entwined in it in order to feel like I would be seen and I wouldn't be as ignored the way I had been ignoring myself.

There's contradictions in this obviously but the more solidified I could become as a person is by staying true to who I am moment by moment and allowing a bit of openness in my heart in order to love myself and see myself as a unique, deep, beautiful individual is new and yet a different journey I had never taken so far.

I just wish to be free from all the expectations I had placed on myself and just allow myself to breathe free. 

It's been purely suffocating, traumatizing, and a controlled, emotionally dysfunctional family where being a person of my own felt next to impossible. Since I enmeshed with all these toxic patterns of my family and felt I need to belong with them, I ended up dismissing myself completely as if I owe them my blind loyalty for allowing me to be part of the family.

I need to be permitted for each and every step in my life as a silent, judgmental, intimidating set of eyes were always following me scrutinizing my every move. And no matter how hard I tried to fit in, I would always feel like my uncles, aunts made me feel like it's a favor they have me in the family, in addition to my mother.

I got tired trying to fit in that I locked myself up in my room and eventually just stayed locked in, numb, powerless, disconnected, confused, anxious, sad and purely in trauma for not knowing what I am doing with my life and how to reach out to this vast space of emptiness within me.

Only this huge void was left as a result of inching myself out of my life to the point of being literally an outsider to my life. My body just mirrored this looping pain as if wanting to push me back into my body by making me aware of my pain, medicines, having to stay mindful of the medicine schedule, and just disinterestedly staying alive. 

My pain felt like an all prevalent pain as if there was no beginning or no end, or no head or no tail to it, but what's left of my life was just pain and I was actively pursuing it and also was overwhelmed with it and simply neglected, ignored, procrastinated until it went away. Medicines physically helped to deal with physical discomforts from time to time, but this way of disconnected, detached, anxious attachment to my life made me embrace enmeshment to get some sense of connection with others at the cost of negatively impacting my growth as an individual.

Connection(connecting) with toxicity at the cost of sabotaging myself in other words.

And this sense of toxicity came from my mother and my connection with her has been toxic love - the way she made me feel seen, cared for, was by projecting her trauma and criticism on me and this I saw as valid means to want to be punished/devalued/dismissed for causing distress to her. I had become so energetically enmeshed with her that my real sense of my life, my feelings, my desires, instincts, moods, reactions and so much more were simply layers within a shadow.

To bring this to light has been extremely hard, as if some thick layer of shell had to be torn open over and over until I could not bear the pain anymore. 

To play safe at the cost of tying myself to a post is simply stagnant, and to pull away from this is to break free from staying low, staying stuck, and staying unfulfilled with my given life. 

Because becoming is the new being.

 

Pushing past pain...

 Pain has always been a huge blocking fence that I used as a defense to not outgrow and kept to the limits of the space that pain confined me to.

Whether numbing my emotions and creating an emotional void within myself or giving in with weak self discipline to toxic self destructive habits, I used pain as an excuse and blamed my body for being so sensitive and uncooperative to what I expected it to do and also blamed my mother for her wanting to pushing her way into my life without respecting my boundaries to protect me.

Pain has been my everyday goto and craving for it somewhere so that I can belong to the limited space that I try to put myself into. Why? That's so that I can state this reason in order to not change and also not work towards future as pain has been made to be my constant as per my programming and it would get "uncomfortable" if I were to change that. Go figure!!

This painful roleplay is not what I have signed up to do with my blessed life. We create our mental grooves and force our life energy into it as if it would stay that way forever, as if pain is something that can be boxed in, either in my body or in my mental grooves and that I can give myself all the weak excuses to not will my way out of it or at least try to. 

It takes a lot of willpower or sometimes going against your flow in order to flow in a different direction but for a broader perspective that cannot be encapsulated in chronology of time, or ego, or stress levels, others approvals, our inner criticisms and expectations and so on. 

Newfound self love, a new beginning!

 I am beginning to see myself in a new light. A knowing that's too deep and painful and yet so liberating that I allow myself to be free from all the programming I put myself under. It's like a huge wall of block, numbness for not having created enough opportunities to know myself better has been removed. If this is what self love feels like, then I am all for it! I wonder why I resisted to get to know myself truly for all this time, but time delayed, time wasted, or no other version of time does not matter anymore because it's love that I see for myself and whether it's in whatever form that be - truth, kindness, vulnerability, feeling, listening, hoping, persevering, drifting, losing, gaining or whatever other words that could bring together this feeling but not limited to these alone, it's the most protected and spiritually encompassing feeling and it needs no external validation, no people pleasing, no dishonesty, no games, no guilt, no fear, no stubbornness, no numbness to hold onto.

It's like being myself is the biggest privilege that I have with me right now and am glad that I took this journey inward to make my efforts worth it. I have often wondered if I am good enough for still being given second or umpteen chances to get myself back up every day, but in all entirety of dealing with this beautiful push-pull dance with arriving at my consciousness and an awareness that I am not all the fear, pain, hurt, confusion that I define myself to but someone bigger than that limited definition which had suffocated me for so long that it was a punishment to be alive. 

I am alive all along for realizing my self - truly, deeply, beautifully and so much more unraveling yet to happen and it's an exciting prospect to look forward to that! To understand that all that endurance towards all that limited version of myself numbed me to be someone that I could never be proud of, confident of, and honest about just made me feel there's a reason to coming to this point in my life arc and that it had/it has mattered all along no matter what.

Time does not define my knowing deep within which is a fluid dance of intuition, truth, shivers, tears, sadness, release, and something so profound that no mind or its chatter can language and program. My inner child need not justify anymore why she had felt unfortunately safe in all these prisons that she thought she would be safe in, but has the natural freedom to come out and express herself the way she wants to. It's a relief to be able to do this and that she will be loved nevertheless.

It's so refreshingly new to finally get my back and to work my way towards owning who I am in whatever mind, body, and spirit form that I be in - it's alright and it'll be okay is all that I believe in. I will hope for and continue to believe in this until the last breath of my life. 

Love is such a fluid emotion that it's hard to create boundaries around it in order to protect it, but to protect lovingly the simmering and rising compassion for myself one day at a time is a sacred act and cannot be scattered away in selling myself short recklessly or too lightly either. I need to learn to view humility with this sense of objectivity that I keep growing, keep learning more about myself and expand my consciousness with awareness while remaining in this form on earth. No fake humility will do and I am done acting small, feeling unheard, being tolerant for no reason, and simply abandoning myself, my inner  child as if numbness is the safe cave that I can forever crawl back into. 

The caves have kept cracking for a while now and it cannot hold this new emergence of a new version of me in a new skin via logicalizing anymore. 

Logic is too small a formula to hold such a beautiful blessing called life in it - it's the shiny pearl that needs to come out and feel simply authentic and beautiful just as is, and my life has begun to emerge out of a long period of darkness that lies to myself, low self esteem, choosing not to believe in my feelings, hardening my spontaneous emotions had all created the hardened shell that kept me locked in.

Release is the new normal, refresh is the new start, and riding this wave a lifetime opportunity!