Living in my own made up lad of friends, conversations, humor, understanding and so much more is my inner space more or less. I am a creator who's vested with the sole rights to create, stretch, live, laugh, get moody and so on in this space that only I can get in and out of. A tunnel of make believe which keeps me company and keeps me in the dark of wanting to connect with real people outside of my make believe which I have never wanted to honestly - this loop of imagination keeps me under the impression that I am just genuine in who I am being whether I talk, or joke, or laugh, whatever that be. I am true to this imaginary world so much so that I don't have much energy, focus, or interest left to want to connect to real people in real ways. I have had a deep yearning to want to be liked for truly who I am but had grown to dislike myself so much, having been under the perfection microscope of a frustrated and expertly criticizing single mother.
I had let myself go so much so that I lost touch with who I really am - mood, behavior, likes, interests, good days, bad days, highs , lows and so on - someone who's frozen in a mold so much that I had to be loyal or programmed to stay that way because I couldn't care less about how far I had disconnected from myself and didn't realize back then that this was self erosion at best. And why? So that I can survive in such a family which again couldn't care less as long as I met their vague expectations.
I was weak in my resilience to want to be genuine as a person and be assertive in doing so. I resisted - my mother, my mother's family and their intimidating control, coldness, ego, drama, comparisons with other family members in dismissive ways. I resisted - getting close to get to know my true feelings about what I think about all of this at home and how I feel deep down about growing up in such an environment.
I chose to procrastinate being who I am and the attitudes that I wanted to develop in order to grow as a person. All that has changed quite a bit. But my creating excuses to keep goal setting, trying to push myself to get to some activity that stirs up from within is so lacking and apparent that I have become comfortable with the numb pain that comes with it. Instead I look for motivation on the outside and act as if I am a sponging tool that just can sit through days and years sponging in life, people's activity around her without getting to live what it feels like being just myself in my own natural flow.
My natural flow has become adapting to others, their mindsets, attitudes, behaviors, and so much observation goes into all this that it becomes my survival mechanism - it has been that way for a long time now. But when I feel uncomfortable in thus observing, I withdraw, shut them down, and move my focus away onto other things. I don't like to get involved with people who make me feel uncomfortable in forms that I decipher through my sensing of who they are (sometimes intuitively, sometimes by observing their chain of patterns).
Either I try to want to feel as if I am a very important part in others lives or completely dismiss myself away to the point of avoiding social contact as much possible. So, in essence, my attitude about people, connections with them, trusting them, being empathetic to them are just random acts in my daily life and not a day to day involvement with fellow beings. I am too dismissive of my involvement with others and it's also due to how much I was ignored as a person when growing up in my childhood and how much I was criticized for simply being health wise sensitive by my mother. I had gotten used to a lot of invisibility in short and always figured out ways to stay invisible.
All these are realized parts of me that cannot be minimized to make it look invisible and for all the namesake living that I had done for a long time, it simply has to be part of my life flow and I am simply allowing it to go. Flowing is just being, sometimes releasing, and at times taking a deep dive to come back up to the surface, to swirl with the loops and patterns and again release them with the flow - my energy through it all feels mixed, heavy, overwhelming at times, and yet a beautiful, magical churning of sorts that places me back on the center of my core whatever that be - but just empty, still, clogs washed inside out and released feels natural as if all these movements and stillness in my mind and spirit are bringing me home as I tightly hold onto the vessel of life.
Fear has also been a major part to hold onto life, and fear not for getting to the subtle changes and flowing with them which I can discern sometimes but the fact that what was once comfortable and make believe are just that - I can't hold onto them either. It's in getting to know myself deeper, and navigating with the tides that creates a sense of ripples but even that too does pass.
The more I am in the clear of where I am going and even if I am not at that point of time, but simply trust my journey and the spirit that guides from within is the most secure fastening to life that I can hold onto.
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