You are precious!

 Fear of uncertainty kept me feeling small, anxious, severely self limiting, and looking up to others for a push ahead. This uncertainty with respect to my health is something I identified with as if an eclipse projecting darkness on the entire sun and its surroundings. I became the eclipse and chose to remain one as if that would be a comfort zone guaranteed for life. Darkness is vague, mindless, goalless, and lacking of motivation to come to light. 

Darkness is a deeply withdrawing energy which sucks the core energy out of the believer who thinks she is keeping safe and trusting this "security" that this stillness/stagnation creates. Resting/pausing until one is really sure is one thing, but not wanting to embrace any movement/life/possibility ahead as I had been so used to pain and wanting to repress pain as much possible a loop of sorts was something I could never let go of. It became a comfort zone and minimizing myself in order to try to fit in with this comfort trap in loop became a compulsion.

This became my life and means to want to justify this mindset by adopting this limited view as my past which kept projecting its heavy presence in my present and a vague feeling of anxiety over my future.

It's like I had learnt unconsciously to let go life by living like this each day and kept waited for the push from outside to help align me with what needs to be done. As much as I did regret, stay angry, and blamed few for this self sabotaging behavior, but the truth is I didn't manage to learn to love myself the way I should have learnt. 

To love myself unapologetically and without any guilt, shame, doubt, or fear are my work in progress and I feel blessed and happy to be able to be present to this realization for now.

And I look forward to many such nows and to work to gather them like pearls lined up in a beautiful chain. Moments such as these are precious beyond any material achievements and professional degrees. And it's you, me, and each of us reading this and more who make this possible.