I am beginning to see myself in a new light. A knowing that's too deep and painful and yet so liberating that I allow myself to be free from all the programming I put myself under. It's like a huge wall of block, numbness for not having created enough opportunities to know myself better has been removed. If this is what self love feels like, then I am all for it! I wonder why I resisted to get to know myself truly for all this time, but time delayed, time wasted, or no other version of time does not matter anymore because it's love that I see for myself and whether it's in whatever form that be - truth, kindness, vulnerability, feeling, listening, hoping, persevering, drifting, losing, gaining or whatever other words that could bring together this feeling but not limited to these alone, it's the most protected and spiritually encompassing feeling and it needs no external validation, no people pleasing, no dishonesty, no games, no guilt, no fear, no stubbornness, no numbness to hold onto.
It's like being myself is the biggest privilege that I have with me right now and am glad that I took this journey inward to make my efforts worth it. I have often wondered if I am good enough for still being given second or umpteen chances to get myself back up every day, but in all entirety of dealing with this beautiful push-pull dance with arriving at my consciousness and an awareness that I am not all the fear, pain, hurt, confusion that I define myself to but someone bigger than that limited definition which had suffocated me for so long that it was a punishment to be alive.
I am alive all along for realizing my self - truly, deeply, beautifully and so much more unraveling yet to happen and it's an exciting prospect to look forward to that! To understand that all that endurance towards all that limited version of myself numbed me to be someone that I could never be proud of, confident of, and honest about just made me feel there's a reason to coming to this point in my life arc and that it had/it has mattered all along no matter what.
Time does not define my knowing deep within which is a fluid dance of intuition, truth, shivers, tears, sadness, release, and something so profound that no mind or its chatter can language and program. My inner child need not justify anymore why she had felt unfortunately safe in all these prisons that she thought she would be safe in, but has the natural freedom to come out and express herself the way she wants to. It's a relief to be able to do this and that she will be loved nevertheless.
It's so refreshingly new to finally get my back and to work my way towards owning who I am in whatever mind, body, and spirit form that I be in - it's alright and it'll be okay is all that I believe in. I will hope for and continue to believe in this until the last breath of my life.
Love is such a fluid emotion that it's hard to create boundaries around it in order to protect it, but to protect lovingly the simmering and rising compassion for myself one day at a time is a sacred act and cannot be scattered away in selling myself short recklessly or too lightly either. I need to learn to view humility with this sense of objectivity that I keep growing, keep learning more about myself and expand my consciousness with awareness while remaining in this form on earth. No fake humility will do and I am done acting small, feeling unheard, being tolerant for no reason, and simply abandoning myself, my inner child as if numbness is the safe cave that I can forever crawl back into.
The caves have kept cracking for a while now and it cannot hold this new emergence of a new version of me in a new skin via logicalizing anymore.
Logic is too small a formula to hold such a beautiful blessing called life in it - it's the shiny pearl that needs to come out and feel simply authentic and beautiful just as is, and my life has begun to emerge out of a long period of darkness that lies to myself, low self esteem, choosing not to believe in my feelings, hardening my spontaneous emotions had all created the hardened shell that kept me locked in.
Release is the new normal, refresh is the new start, and riding this wave a lifetime opportunity!
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