The discovery of real pain was the unknown and the pseudo one that had physical weakness and regular migraines written all over it was just the layer that covered the actual pain which I had begun to discover post my intuitive wake up call to be true to myself. Not that my bodily pains were fake from any angle, but the 'used to it' feeling and also having to adapt to my mother's limited ways of seeing and understanding me was also a non support support that I had to painfully resign myself to no matter how much I tried to repress it all under fake positivity.
I just couldn't bring myself to talk about all this with anyone because I felt too small, almost to the point of feeling invisible and just had to merge with a crowd of family members and with friends, I had to just be on the listening end as if to drown my sadness away in prioritizing their problems and simply minimizing mine as nothing and silencing them. Not that any friend noticed my doing so as all that they cared for was to be vocal about their issues no matter how small or trivial it maybe.
I was so defined by my health problems that I began to identify myself as powerless but kept it repressed as if I was giving the image of perseverance. But in truth I persevered to try to be as disconnected with myself as possible and projected some intellectual image of intelligence, humility, skill and so on. I had no pride in who I was nor in what I did. The loop had to be maintained and that was to minimize myself as much possible, and that was because of the deep seated disappointment in myself and also guilt that I could be of no use to my mother except being a bodily weak person who constantly fell sick.
My resilience to want to build a strong real persona was so lacking that I conveniently hid this under the physical weakness aspect. I didn't see any point I guess to want to unearth my inner strength and want to believe in that and build a more truthful and honest relationship with myself. No action, no self love, no goals, no passion, no compelling ego, no vision for future, just nothing. And to unearth all these truths one by one or in whatever random order that it came up in simply stirred, angered, and broke me a lot. It was the real pain after all and having found another hiding mechanism as in watching shows, movies, instead of hiding under physical weakness as I had done earlier, I have to come face to face with this aspect of myself that I can't forever create some kind of escape outlets or the other in order to not feel my real emotions, feelings, and experience life deeply. The more I have abandoned my life earlier as a child and much later as a grown up even, that much deeper my quest to want to connect with all aspects of myself as some sort of redemption. Not that the lost phases of time, experiences, connections with more people can be redeemed, but this is my life given to me.
How much of a loss I am at in avoiding living and taking control of doing so is all on me.
And that's why the need to want to attach, merge, connect or whatever with Lord Muruga so much as if to make up for all the pains of having lost out on living due to an ill programmed understanding and weak attitude towards living put together - I don't know if I have any strength left in me as it's an empty space that has no scope for filling it up with whatever I might have wanted back then but couldn't acquire or manifest, and so the limitations mirror with a thousand refractions as if to reflect the life that I had been living in all along which is again one of the ways deeper truths show up.
When one's core truths pass through fears, anxieties, obsessions, and so many more diversions, they hide the light they so wish to throw light on. And I am glad I am able to see this light for what it is even if it reveals a very vulnerable side in me.
Everything seems interconnected now. No matter how far away from my reality I might have gone away from, the path back to my truth or truths is through these lies, these half truths, and self limiting beliefs that I had held onto. This releasing, purging, and recalibrating frequency has been a full on arc, a very important pathway to meet my truths slowly, sometimes suddenly, and to embrace all this with kindness has been hard, but it's work in progress. Because I am so used to minimizing myself as if rejecting myself so much so to the point of numbing and wanting to be invisible that all these attitudes towards myself is something I need to work on.
Self love is not hard, but the layers of past conditionings that make you believe that you are not worth it is the hardest to break free and to let to of as that's the closest to our "truth" that we have assumed ourselves to be. As love had to be earned from someone outside, it was always deficit, and I deeply believed that I am not worth being loved for who I am. And when this core belief begins to get shaken up, you are left with only yourself to hold on to in order to heal this belief, and heal it with love. Because the amount of self criticisms that I had rallied on against myself is so ingrained and so habitual that it's almost cruel.
To see love for myself die as if it's some lifeless object that is defective, powerless, and guilty is the most cruel that I can be towards myself and I had been living in a self imprisoned life sentence of sorts as if to bear the weight of this burden till my last breath, and this unfolding of this burden that came to light as my truth was a lot to bear. It simply crushed me.
I am glad that I am able to recognize and release it as I journal it now through this blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment