Two Pillars

Protection and criticism were the two pillars that I went running to and back in order to justify my journey. These two kept me bound and small and made me assume that I need to be alright with criticism from my mother and her overbearing protection of me in order to justify my love for her. It felt heavy, this signing up to be confined to being so contracted and yet blindly doing so like a programmed puppet who's oblivious to her mental fog and emotional handicap.

Keeping myself on the hindsight and losing focus on what truly matters to me and my growth as a person was simply self destructive at best. And cutting myself off the tied ropes to these pillars was blocked by my unwillingness and lack of integrity and honesty with myself and my feelings. 

And when my intuition whispered out loud in the middle of the night in 2019, I had to wake up to face the "I am not being true" flash message. It upset my carefully constructed tower of lies which was stubbornly rooted in my broken ego, arrogance, and repressions for over many years till then. I tried to deep dive to unearth my truths as if I wanted to disprove my intuition itself and prove it wrong! But the more I navigated, the more I lost sight of the roots that had held onto my limiting beliefs and this sinking feeling in the depth of my lies, hurts, betrayals, anger, sadness and so many unresolved emotions was the new root albeit on a bed of thorns it seemed then.

The path to one's truth(s) is not a straight line connected by one's logic, and all the inner criticism that followed one truthful realization after the other didn't help me sit comfortably with my past and derailed me to look forward to anything that I was connected to no matter however creative I might be.

To unlearn what you held close to your heart as real protection and security were disrupted from the core as I had to learn to let go out of sheer brokenness my mother's influenced concepts which cocooned my real growth as a person. 

The path of slow, tiny steps to one's flight and freeing from the heaviness of it all naturally and gradually became really important. The layers of false, limiting beliefs cannot be the substitutes for a safe cocoon and in its dilution and letting go, I was disillusioned with the concept of bonding with your family and trusting them for emotional support.

Divine intervention, guidance, blessing and so on may all mean the same, but when they appear at its designated time according to His will, it changes your life for good for real and that's irreversibly true. I felt the impact of this change within me as if a tool has been woken up to get readied, sharpened or refined for self protection and this is what Lord Muruga (My God and my all) has done with my life. His compassion on the face of my so many challenges seemed impossible to ignore and a daily bond as if venting, sharing, and confessing to Him became my habit. 

His lotus like two feet rests on my inner world no matter how murky, or still ridden with blocks it may be. These two new found pillars are completely trustworthy and for lifetimes to come and are like my parents, His two feet, which promise to protect and love, as I have taken baby steps to hold onto them.