Victim narrative

 I am the problem, my mother is the victim - this scene has been staged so many times and done with such drama that I started to believe that I deserve to be neglected for being a problem to her while all that my mother did was keep me compulsively looped in with her narrative of trauma and tragedy so much so and with so much emotional neglect when I needed her that her lack of awareness of me as another person, another being is the result of such ignorance.

I adapted to this lack,  any no will to work towards claiming my own space in creating my life experiences in my journey. It's like I have not had a shadow of mine to walk next to me in this journey as I had lived like her shadow and kept myself in the dark of realizing, experiencing my feelings, emotions, struggles, highs, lows and everything in between.

To go deep into my inner world and realize, unearth my hidden self to the light, to see who I am in all my forms was something I could not go further as this truth became too overwhelming, but I did choose to explore - it's more of becoming true to myself and allowing myself to receive the opening of so many specks of glimmering pieces of me which came together slowly and sometimes suddenly. 

I did want to shy away as the truths seemed to blind my sight but kept looking forward in some way or the other. It's been a huge revelation as I knew I was enmeshed with my mother but mentally found it apprehensive, anxious, frustrating, to separate myself from her personality which I did time and again but was too exhausted that I might end up getting enmeshed again and may have to do the inner work all over again. But that's not true. Once I really started to see how disconnecting it has been for me at a core level to having to stay enmeshed with her, it dawned on me to stop resisting getting enmeshed all over again. There's no need to do that anymore as I have begun to work on my perspective of how I wish to set boundaries for her and me as she lives with me and I am not struggling with this truth anymore. And so no guilt, no inner chatter, no adapting to anyone. Just pure acknowledgement and releasing myself from this victim narrative as I love all the pieces of me put together and they complete me.