vicious victim cycle closure

 I don't have to keep up being a victim. My body is not a storehouse of others projections of their criticisms, worries and patterns. I allow myself to be free from this vicious cycle of wanting to fix some aspect of my health or the other with medicines because self care, self love and resilience goes a long way in helping myself. I understand that my sensitivity in overall body might have also triggered various health conditions sometimes one after the other or in quick succession or whatever is the pattern that my body has behaved so far. But overdosing my body with medicines has been a self sabotaging practice that I have done by picking up this pattern from my mother who feels like a victim and who tries to fix whatever part of her that's ailing through medicines(owing to lot of emotional neglect from her family) and has passed it on to me as a pattern as I unconsciously had absorbed it from her. 

It's like I don't have enough trust in my body's ability to heal itself and so have to give that power over to someone else like my mother or the doctor who may know better and feel like even small issues that could have gotten fixed through certain awareness and mindfulness, cannot be taken up by me as I felt completely powerless in body, in mind, in spirit while manifesting this unconsciously right from an early age.

Now that this pattern has come to my light, I feel like what my mother feeds me is what I am trying to feed her back -  as in how she had raised me on medicines is how she wants to be tended to that is via medicines. 

I lost trust in my body and its ability to heal itself not because I was sensitive, but because I thought as I was told that I am a victim and so labeled myself a victim for life as I had assumed myself to be until today, and so will keep needing medicines one way or another as if I had signed up for this for all of my life. 

When medicines and money are my mother's only cure, then there's only THAT I had gotten to receive from her and not acceptance of for who I am as I am as I had always deeply yearned to receive. And so this validation or rather invalidation (owing to her medicines) from her had deeply hurt me and had created a huge block in my head as if my body is some sort of unfixable, defective product that has to be constantly fixed and "pampered" with her standard of care which weakened my inner strength and resilience a lot and weakened my will to live to my standards whatever they be.