My grief is so deep and invisible that it has taken me decades to fully realize its presence and grieve it. My father's absence in my life since he has passed was a given since he passed away before my being born while my mother was pregnant with me, but the fact that my mother chose to become a weak link between me and my father can't be denied and it's also equally true that how my mother made me feel by being the weak link and justified her insecurity for not being integrated enough despite her understandable brokenness is entirely her doing. But the way she chose to stay connected to self pity and seeking sympathy from her brothers and their families and isolating me in the process whenever I went through a health issue and which if was reminiscent to her about my father's health and issues, she would resort to addressing her triggers and helplessness by making me feel guilty about it. She in short made me feel like a victim and since I was so stewing in my fears and anxieties and trying to avoid feeling abandoned while she body shamed and grief shamed me into making her feel sad while I was ridden with regular migraines and nausea and vomiting due to this overwhelming pressure to process all her scattered and unresolved feelings and still be good enough for her.
I used to assume it's my high sensitivity and the heat and cold temperatures outside in nature which was repeatedly in turns making me sick, but it was in fact my mother's hot and cold mood swings that made me more body volatile and withdrawn and depressed. Since I was guilt tripped and shamed enough by using my dad's absence against me and that I was a sad reminder to her specially when I got sick, I really lost sense of trusting her and since as a child I didn't know if there were other options, I just learnt to cope up with her emotional neglect which she tried to cleverly disguise by justifying that she provided everything materially for me and despite doing so that I am being ungrateful or disrespectful or repeatedly falling sick and so on.
Her gaslighting me using my dad in context hardened my grief around his absence but since I didn't vocalize my feelings with anyone whom I could trust at home and since my mom I perceived to be my closest family of all, it just broke my self trust and kept me staying stuck in a loop of validation seeking from her and self doubting myself.
She broke me up as I allowed her to break me and never got myself together to consolidate myself - I keep picking myself up only to realize that I have become more disorganized in regulating my moods and behavior towards myself first and can easily choose to abandon myself just for the sake of placing precedence on her emotional needs and security issues.
My father has been unconditional being in his spirit form and I share a special bond with him. He guides and protects me in his own unique ways which I am beginning to trust as my relationship with the spirit and the Holy energies is one of a kind and it's a beautiful feeling that the deeper repressed truths that when I bring to the forefront is energetically supported as I feel the vibes of the truths expressed and owned for in my body and is also equally therapeutic as I let go and release them to surrender to Muruga's feet.
To experience this truthful realization of wounds is a beautiful undoing and gift for being highly sensitive and spiritual and self aware and sometimes intuitive.
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