Making space for myself

 I have almost always made space for the other at the cost of staying minimally visible and repressed in my space - that's been my pattern which has made me so ill at ease in my house whether be it in Chennai or Hyderabad. And even if I found my centered space within myself without having to compromise by staying repressed, but the fact that it was owing to my other that I primarily adapted to being repressed as she took control of my life and had wanted to fix it with her overprotectiveness. 

I assumed the comfort zone provided by her materially was something I need to be grateful in turn for her emotional neglect, guilt tripping me, and expecting me to enable her emotionally even as I was a child back then. My uncle, amma' s 3rd elder brother kept me feeling intimidated and controlled and nothing that I did was good enough for him. He was a terror wherever he went and treated people like his slaves. And avoiding him, having minimal conversations with him, and remaining invisible as much as possible were ways that I used to cope up with him. 

Both my mother and her brother were controlling, each in their own way. My uncle is not alive anymore but it took a lot of grieving to let go my buried memories which was ridden with fear, anxiety, and sadness. But with my mother still being with me and having grieved for the trauma bonding that she has gotten me tuned into since appa had passed during her being pregnant with me and her projections on me by making me feel guilty for stressing her with my ill health back then and instead of nurturing me and accepting me as is has been another overbearing factor that I have had to cope up with -  what I can rightfully expect back then was upstaged and in its place just a giving in to the controllers like my uncle and my mother who got what they wanted by way of entitlement, invoking fear, and abusing others. But this block that was a huge pain in my chest has lightened up a bit as I have grieved for what I was then when coping up with such a negative environment and dysfunctional people. Because I wish to remember my journey by making way for all the cleared up space now. And no one can take away what is rightfully mine -  my growth, my learnings, my life.

To take responsibility for my life