Deaddiction from anxiety...

 I think getting addicted to anxiety became my primary means of self expression and it curtailed expanding my personality and growth. Anxiety is not entirely bad in itself because it's a defense mechanism for alerting one to understand that a healthy way to interact and survive in an environment is turned off as per one's nervous system's triggers and warnings as it senses stressors in the environment and is hence anxious. But anxiety might help wake us up from what we might be missing out on also as anxiety is a major feeler to help us stay as perfect as possible. The minimizing of errors on our part can also come to the forefront owing to our anxious alert stage but if one starts to believe that one is always at fault, then staying anxious for want of coping up with this acquired label from the environment becomes a daily habit. Even if that seeming fault seems to be having health issues now and then, but the way one is made to feel and the way one responds as if always at fault becomes a pattern that unfolds and sticks to one's mind as some kind of conditioning.

This has been my conditioning as I have mostly believed that I am at fault for causing the stress that I have caused to my mother and for triggering her past memories owing to that and that my illness, whatever that be, or however short-lived that be, is like the trauma that I have habitually bonded with in some form or the other. I have fed off this sick thought that I can survive only if I continue to cope up with pain, mostly physical, and just withdrawing further down into dull numbness and fantasizing my proactive other in my imaginations. While my mother continues to thrive on controlling off of my life and materially keeping me "safe" and "secure", but what she has made me into is a mess. 

To let go this addictive habit of staying anxious or drawing in anxiety from my mother in order to stay anxious is something that I have become aware of and try to let go. Because the more I stay anxious and get restless if I am not so, then that much numbing, sad, impulsive, reactive and so on I get. I feel sad for myself for allowing myself to become this but with mindfulness, slowing down, and journaling, feeling my feelings and letting go, I have become better at identifying how much to interact with anxiety and how unnecessary it is to prove myself over and over as it's by being oneself that one becomes who one wants to be and not by doing. 

I had and still do focus a lot on doing to be someone but the ease to slip into in order for being whatever that is is enough for me and that's not a stagnant destination -  it's a constant flow of self discovery and it's okay to feel, to make mistakes, to have mood swings, and so on.