Let it go

 I am feeling trapped in my house here with my mother. It's like I have chosen to stay enmeshed with her and don't know how to see a way out of this. And the apartment that's my mother's that needs to be sold off is also not sold off yet and I am here out of duty to facilitate selling it off and not out of love for her. I still have not released a whole lot of suppressed anger, unresolved sadness, and just simply letting it all go..Because I was so tuned into through anxiety and fear as part of conditioning by my mother that I never got to experience what being genuinely loved by her feels like. The nurturing that I got from her was seeped in her anxiety to overprotect me and fear that something might happen to me. Since appa's passing and my being born after that I guess I can understand her fears to an extent, but making someone a victim and enabling this victimhood by her anxiety and fears is really painful to let go -  it's like she has taken control of my life and just pushed about it unmindful about my boundaries and just lived on my behalf and just made me feel so helpless, lifeless, and so out of sync with my life that I do not fully know what living my life and taking control of it actually means. 

Life is uncertain, I understand, but the opportunity to have lived better doesn't repeat or come back as time lost is lost and I am deeply sorry and take responsibility for doing so. 

Having walked on egg shells all along, I don't know what it takes to freely and not looking back walk ahead looking forward to life. 

All this realization, one after the other is saddening but I am happy too to know my suppressed pains and what it feels like instead of staying numb and blindly staying attached to my mother as she had programmed me to do so, and now coming to terms with what it means to let go even if fears and anxieties crop up, but to let go the unlived times, opportunities, learnings, freedom and all, is my point of self acceptance and when done with love and kindness, it makes all the difference.

I do not wish to live the lack, loss, repression, anxiety, sadness alone as they have been part of my life and not the entirety. And they belong to the past, most of it, but I can now take the right, the power to fully look forward to being open to life and not limit it to painful portions of it and keep coping up with it and withdraw inwards and keep repressing my life. Because coping up with painful portions of my life is what felt like living my life back then, but I realize that the more I hold on to this, the more it hardens, this pain..just continuing to cope up and not releasing it is like reliving my past habit and this has to go...for my higher good, for my peace, for my mukti.