Ego defense has been my major anchoring ground in being who I am. I have guarded it with cae so that the wounded inner child remains alive through the span of my life so far through how I relate to myself and to others and to life and it's challenges as a whole. It's become my comfort zone that I have been believing that I need and just have been stuck living in it all this time, wanting to continue living in it through the imaginary egoistic role plays where I get to have the final word in my imaginations where it's much more vocal than my reality.
I have allowed rather submitted myself so much to this limited and yet shape shifting version(s) of ego defenses that the real me if there is is like discovering the light behind the clouds and just remaining under the shadow of the clouds without claiming the real power of the light.
It's an overactive egoic other that wants to be my constant mind voice wanting me to constantly engage and interact with it and to make it more colorful, indulge in the imaginative projections of it. It's tiring to be so unreal with life and when there's no other choice but to be real and accept life for what is - it's tiring to keep playing in and playing out as if it's the wounded inner child's preoccupied time that it doesn't want to share with anyone but just is a means to cope with all the uncertainties, expectations from her environment, and to continue to believe that she is in control of her life. Whereas it's the simple truth that the egoic mind is something I am not willing to let go of and when the essence of a higher energy is something that I am also humbly in tune with from time to time, it feels like I am at the same time nurturing both the evil and the good in me and want best results for me no matter what life challenges come my way.
It's like I expect life to act a certain way while I carry within these divides and want life to be coherent and uniform with me. It's maybe the other way round that life will remain as unpredictable as it has always been and no matter how much controlling my egoic voices can take control of my life and priorities, but it can never limited the world outside to its shape shiftings no matter how diverse they may seem. I have allowed sadly these egoic defenses to run amok like kids playing in an open ground and not wanting to come back home.
To come home to my heart and soul is my true homecoming and this restlessness until then which doesn't prepare me for anything basically but just splits my calm how much ever that be into pieces. I am broken no doubt but to stick to which piece which fits my groove is out of question now because i am so widespread in my disconnectedness and disorganized sort of self that I can only pick up from where I had left it behind and maybe only fall back into the same pattern over and over and just give in to the ego defense which thinks it knows better obviously than any other higher energy. Its level of ignorance is so high and equally transparent that despite its mirroring to me through the egoic role plays in my mind, I just have no sense of will power or strong sense of self to fall back on and just give in to the projections of this mirroring over and over.
Undoing and doing myself is what I have been doing but this strong attachment to my ego defense is something that I thought I needed to preserve somewhat my sense of self and authenticity, but it's just a shallow assumption.
I have grown fighting through many an inner and outer physiological battles but nothing hurts deep and doesn't even allow us to feel its hurting than what the inner wounds can possibly do to us. My poor inner child had only this means to believe in some source of "assured" egoic projections to help fit in into her emotionally neglectful family and it's sad to see her get limited to being a wounded inner child and to continue to adapt to these limitations as a way to survive with all the dysfunctionalities outside.
Assured as in no matter who stays with me or wins my trust and helps allay my fears to trust in them in return and to open up truthfully to talk what's hurting or who and just vocalize stuff whatever that be is something that I had to trade with the ego as if that's going to be my support no matter what. It does come back over and over even if the clouds are getting lifted off the light like an uninvited guest and I succumb to its entry as my sense of space and boundaries are so undefined that it takes full advantage of my generally open disposition to empathy.
So, in essence, ego has been my mind double and also my body double in terms of taking over my physical mind and just blurring me out of my self actualizations for a long time until now. No wonder I felt so weak, fatigued, clueless about my life and what it truly needs in order to grow with it.
Thank you divine guiding energies for helping me come out of this blur from time to time and to make me realize my inner child's journey alongside mine.
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