My life arc

 My inner child wanted to believe that all the efforts it took to be liked, accepted is worth it, and when the whole premise of "adapt to your limitations" was manifested by the older me over and over just so that I can be validated for being the weak, invisible, too sensitive person who needs to be liked and understood for who she is, it just seemed like I was left alone by myself with no space of my own to adapt to. 

How much dried up my personal or me space had become over the years of daily self doubt, not regulating my feelings and voicing my emotions and thoughts, I had no clue back then. I thought I had no choice since I was nothing but a trauma coated, self devalued person who lacked the will to step up to be her real self no matter what that is, that's when I realized that I had nothing left in me to adapt to as I had emptied my possibilities out of my living experience. 

Being limited is all I knew and all I could be and it got to be an immersive experience as if I have absorbed my mother's constant criticisms on me, and my other family member's complete emotional neglect, and this is what I had become after absorbing these limitations for so long that I became one - inner critiquing myself, self gaslighting, projecting through inner dialoguing how right and how wrong others are and just tired of being so stuck and wrapped up in my own world as that was my only way to cope up back then to survive in the family where I lived.

And when I started to believe this to be true, to take this aspect with me even when I had gotten married and lived away from my parents, I just stuck to living in my own head. I just simply got tired of adapting to limitations, and what my in-laws viewed as their biggest struggles through their conflicting times, I viewed them as their limitation and was worn out hearing them go on and on about their life narratives without taking any true responsibility I felt for who they were being, and instead expect the whole world to take a broader purview to look at their life arc and be all nice and sweet always to them. I chose to neglect them, tried in vain to create boundaries and many a time things started to backfire as if to indicate that I had broken their trust and their immense emotional involvement with me seemingly, which was again suffocating for me. 

In hindsight I think the factors that put me in the backseat of my own life has been self doubt, absorbing other people's energies a lot and trying to behave according to their mood swings to seek validation from them, and not being loving enough and accepting enough of my self, my body, mind, mood, emotions etc. 

I have lived the "other" person perspective all my life that I really didn't know until few years ago that what it takes to be me. And it feels super to just be me without having to give excuse, act small, stay invisible or anything like that in order to gain approval from others because it truly doesn't matter anymore. I owe responsibility to myself first and then to others and no the other way round.