My life arc

 My inner child wanted to believe that all the efforts it took to be liked, accepted is worth it, and when the whole premise of "adapt to your limitations" was manifested by the older me over and over just so that I can be validated for being the weak, invisible, too sensitive person who needs to be liked and understood for who she is, it just seemed like I was left alone by myself with no space of my own to adapt to. 

How much dried up my personal or me space had become over the years of daily self doubt, not regulating my feelings and voicing my emotions and thoughts, I had no clue back then. I thought I had no choice since I was nothing but a trauma coated, self devalued person who lacked the will to step up to be her real self no matter what that is, that's when I realized that I had nothing left in me to adapt to as I had emptied my possibilities out of my living experience. 

Being limited is all I knew and all I could be and it got to be an immersive experience as if I have absorbed my mother's constant criticisms on me, and my other family member's complete emotional neglect, and this is what I had become after absorbing these limitations for so long that I became one - inner critiquing myself, self gaslighting, projecting through inner dialoguing how right and how wrong others are and just tired of being so stuck and wrapped up in my own world as that was my only way to cope up back then to survive in the family where I lived.

And when I started to believe this to be true, to take this aspect with me even when I had gotten married and lived away from my parents, I just stuck to living in my own head. I just simply got tired of adapting to limitations, and what my in-laws viewed as their biggest struggles through their conflicting times, I viewed them as their limitation and was worn out hearing them go on and on about their life narratives without taking any true responsibility I felt for who they were being, and instead expect the whole world to take a broader purview to look at their life arc and be all nice and sweet always to them. I chose to neglect them, tried in vain to create boundaries and many a time things started to backfire as if to indicate that I had broken their trust and their immense emotional involvement with me seemingly, which was again suffocating for me. 

In hindsight I think the factors that put me in the backseat of my own life has been self doubt, absorbing other people's energies a lot and trying to behave according to their mood swings to seek validation from them, and not being loving enough and accepting enough of my self, my body, mind, mood, emotions etc. 

I have lived the "other" person perspective all my life that I really didn't know until few years ago that what it takes to be me. And it feels super to just be me without having to give excuse, act small, stay invisible or anything like that in order to gain approval from others because it truly doesn't matter anymore. I owe responsibility to myself first and then to others and no the other way round. 

Go with the grind

 The sugarcane juice stall on the road corner reminded me of how grueling it must be for the sugarcanes to go through this process of getting to its essence in juice. Not far from how tired and exhausted we each are like the lifeless sugarcane that falls off the machine after each turn of squeeze through the rolling machine for some more juice. 

Life's like that machine I felt - extracting our essence to more and more finer forms until our physical form, our age, beauty, charm, height, weight, looks, health and everything just withers away while just leaving behind our essence as humans no matter what be the gender, race, religion and so on. Every ounce of willing ourselves to go through the grind and coming out as best as we can only to go back to the grind gradually is how we keep going and living in circles. 

Our nature as a human, whether sweet, caring, kind, funny, sarcastic, rigid, criticizing, selfish, compulsive, obsessive, neurotic, short tempered and so much more is what makes us who we are. No amount of make up or clothes can glorify who we really are from within. Just being real, realizing our essence, and letting go the gunk  that clutters the juice is how much we can respond to life putting us through our destined karmic cycles over and over again until we learn our lessons. 

Maybe the purpose of being here is to learn just that and give back to this creation, this universe and its creator something, a subtle spillover from the grind of our lives across lifetimes - whether its sweet, bitter, acidic, tasteless and so on is upto the creator to decide.

Nothing can crush us more than our lack of willpower which is not to go through with the grind because we will nevertheless but to accept and go through the grind because we have signed up for it. 

As above so below

Faith is the way to be, faith is the way ahead. While fear can create a huge illusion of things not being under control and hence derails us from facing future for what it is. Maybe there's a lot of comfort in not knowing the future and wanting everything to be as good or even better as how it is in the present. And that would happen if the trail of memories from the past were not immersed in other people's emotionally volatile and fearful projections. This sort of a fake disconnect with the present as if nothing affects it from the past and just repressing the past memories is enough to look towards future and expect everything would work out just fine is how I tuned my life into until faith came into the picture.

The truth underlying the roots of faith was the empowerment I had needed to remain fully grounded into who I truly am rather than wanting to assume a falsified image of who I wanted to be. Truth didn't give fake assurances that it would protect me from the harsh realities of life but rather made me open up, accept, sit with it, and simply be. It was not comforting at all. But I grew more through going deeper, fought with my acquired false beliefs (and still do), and was afraid to embrace a newer, emerging version of me. I wanted to separate the self realizing with who I had gotten used to and put it in boxes of then and now and how responsible I had gotten to being where I got to be which was egoistically satisfying but didn't make it to the cut as much as raw truths did.

Because the truth was I was never as open and wanting to receive any discomfort to want to look deeper into myself, about who I really was and wanted my image of being an adaptive,, quiet, people pleasing, repressed, inner voice suffocated person which was shown in parts to people outside and the unpleasant, very realistic emotions and feelings were buried alive within me.

I lost any sense of goals to creating my life experiences of who I really wanted to be and rather was aiming at who I should be and specially when validated by others.

How true we are in our efforts to being brave in taking responsibility for our lives and living committed to it as an act of self discipline, self love, and connections to creativity in whatever shape or form is a beautiful fresh start for me to  begin with. 

God or supreme energy beyond our powers as a human being is unlimited and our understanding of what we truly can realize, can work towards to become when we deep dive for our inner truths is a reflection of God's blessing upon us. As above, so below is grace that looks kindly from above and the ability to receive love with faith and without fears is how we can reciprocate from being on earth. The freewill to process this language of love is what sets us free to be ourselves as we learn to surrender what holds us back. How genuinely we surrender and believe in Him is how we can feel His compassion coming through to us.

Why are you lost?

 I truly feel sorry for my inner child for having made her get stuck on "shoulds," "should nots," as expected from us children by the elders in an emotionally chaotic joint family comprising 20 or more members. 

My inner child learnt earlier on that in order to survive in this family I have to comply with the unspoken laws, rigid and controlling behaviours of my uncles and somehow keep proving to my mother that all the money, time, and energy is worth it on me as she kept criticizing me for every migraine attack which started right from my childhood and as early as when I was 6 years or so.

My heart and mind feels heavy as I look back at the confusion that I suppressed myself down with and looked up at my mother, my uncles and aunts, and cousins for some sense of understanding, acceptance, genuine support but all that I had gotten was sympathy, criticism, body shaming, and insensitive remarks and comments on my health. I really don't know how I managed to navigate through all this and still stayed alive and going forward with the next day and the next.

I am bad at so many things I admit like goal setting, decision making, self discipline, and creating boundaries but all that I didn't realize, release, process, regulate and clearly speak out to ask for help which in all have made me an alien to my own mind and feelings, emotions, highs and lows, and so much more. It's like I habituated myself to self neglect so much so that I didn't realize I had insulated myself from living fully well connected and true to my life, my inner world.

All the stagnation that it created is a lot of undoing to release and sweeps my feet off the floor sometimes in overwhelm and deep sadness. I am truly sorry to my inner child for not allowing her to grow up with these experiences and staying stagnant with confusion, overwhelm, anxiety, and stubbornness.

So much so that I had lost all or any joy for living. What's there in it to be hopeful, joyful about? Is it possible for me to be feeling joy while living with my body? It's God's creation, all of it and all of us in our own ways, but to refrain from stagnation in confusion and releasing fears, or whatever that I am feeling from time to time is an important takeaway for me. 

I am lost and at least I know why. 

Discover your inner power through creativity

 The privilege to become aware of your power (not materially, academically or from any acquired status whatsoever), your true inner essence is the unearthing of the diamond from the dust. It's a long haul of an effort and not something that you can just wish for to manifest, but your real presence under pressure of situations is the pathway through which you break free from being the old you - the power to discover who you can be is a fascinating trip that leads all the way back to your past and collects in its flow the raw, dense parts that you keep invisible in order to project your 'perfected' parts, and opens through the filtering an unlocking to who you are at present, and who you might become is never linear or logically bound but a collapsing of timeframes for transformation to a newer you.

So, the spirit of a life journey lies in being present to life, to its challenges, to its twists and turns, and just find your innate courage to travel through this flow as who you are and not get swept by life's challenges in whatever shape or form. Your ego doesn't provide the needed harness to align you to carry through with the flow, but your intention to stay true to this life changing process where your spirit is the flow and you become one with the spirit and just travel beyond the confines of time.

Your creativity in expressing yourself is who you are and as you unleash that creative energy no matter what be the distractive forces that make you get distracted, but working towards your goals, purifying your intentions, and decluttering your mind are the tools to discover the diamond in you. And this is not a mental process alone but a deep dive in your imaginary world, a space of safety and freedom, and not corrupted by the disconnecting shields which create nothing but stagnation  -allow your inner child to playfully lead the way to this safe space within you and bring out your hidden colors, no matter what be your real age, to the centerstage. Overanalyzing how you can bring your creative expressions will kill the spell before it begins - the magic is in the becoming and not rigidly adapting to who you think you were or are as seen from your eyes or from others perspectives.

Give yourself permission to know your power to create, not just in writing, drawing, singing or any particular set of activities you might be familiar with, but entering the space of the unknown, the new, newer, if need be to align with your spirit, body, and mind.  

The peacock's dance in the rain

 The peacock dances to the call of the clouds arching in rainbow like the train of feathers in loud vibrant colors. It playfully dances in the sudden showers of cloud burst without a care in the world, it's feet pecking the slush and the damp grass, one beat a time. It carries a whole world of joy in its one swirling move, the rainbow on its back shining in fresh rain drops, hopping and playing and responding to the coos of the cuckoo sitting atop a nearby tree.

This transient yet ethereal moment stood frozen in time as Lord Muruga smiled at his pet vehicle, the peacock, which had taken off at the sight of fresh rain, leaving behind His Master on trail.  

He was fond of his peacock as it pecked away at the hardened grime of karma in the hearts of Muruga devotees. It was the peacock's way of saying to not carry a heavy heart and just let go being pulled down by past, by difficult people, and by troublesome circumstances as it flew circling Muruga in the heavenly skies.

The spear and peacock are Lord Muruga's weapon and vehicle to vanquish the inner or outer demons in this universe through the slicing open of the veil of ignorance, separation, and past life karmas of that of His devotees and clearing their path towards oneness and love and surrender for Muruga. The human heart is caught in the want for belonging and being loved and assumes that earth is the place to be in order to get that. Earth is a stopgap and not a permanent place of stay as the human soul learns and forgets this over and over - the silver lining can never be the cloud as human life teaches this lesson over and over and yet like raindrops that never satiates the full thirst of those on earth but yet brings moments of hope, joy, and childlike playfulness like the peacock, are the moments that humans want to be more alive for.