Procrastination has been my placebo so that I can avoid getting sick as being out in the sun has for many a time caused headaches and nausea. But the underlying stress of getting criticized, emotionally abused has weighed far more and made me withdraw so much so that just procrastinating felt like the only way to sustain this want to explore and come out of my addiction to comfort and getting caught in the need to seek validation from others if they find my health alright enough so that I can proceed with full confidence in working on a job.
In this way I had adapted to loneliness so much that whatever creative energies that could possibly flow on a regular basis got all stuck and stagnant owing to my old habit of procrastinating and self doubts.
It's so boring and so much a dead end when I am being supported nevertheless but there's nothing at this time left for me to stay inspired and dig deep into what I can offer creatively.
I feel so exhausted for lack of goals, lack of vitality to want to seek out goals if possible, and simply submit to binging tv shows or Netflix series, as if I need to just spend time and not invest wisely on some healthy pursuit of a hobby or an activity that's enriching my mind. I feel equally sorry and sad and also angry and helpless as if the direction that I had set my sails for was so very seeking the shade of safety and not the risk of trying being under the sun.
I tend to give in to my mind's negative chatter without learning to shut it down from time to time. Staying absorbed in tv shows is not going to help silence my inner chatter, but it's just another way of unconsciously interacting with the dialogues, script, and flow of the content on tv or computer. It's absolutely exhausting even if I stay stuck in a spot for a bit longer than needed and not restful. It just gives me another distraction, another excuse to stay away from consciously interacting and creating and getting involved with creative pursuits possibly.
What skill, potential or creative outlet that was unnoticed, and completely neglected almost by my mother, my uncles/aunts and hardly appreciated is the very weakness that I have nurtured negatively in my heart for a long time and the weight of not being validated cannot capsize my creative strengths, no matter how oblivious my parents might have been.
To see myself truly, fully, with warmth and empathy as I had wanted to just be spontaneous, give my opinions, be vocal about my confusions, fears, health challenges, and so much more has been so silenced by me out of lack of trust, lack of security at the house that I grew up in with so many people that my chest can't hold the overflowing pain and emotional hurts from numbing anymore. A big price to pay in trying to want to fit in with the crowd that I lost my voice, my confidence, and just kept being "nice" and quiet, and easily understanding, flexible, and everything that I maybe not.
What's painfully real is how much I couldn't live for myself and self prioritize owing to getting caught up in all these programming. As much as it's on them, my parents. their emotional dysfunctionalities and in whose presence I tried to survive, but it's my choice finally to self sacrifice without any reason. For whose sake did I do that? And what did I gain by doing that? Just more trauma to bear, to repress, and stay entangled in them as if I can be as equally invisible as these insidious patterns. I am a product of such patterns anyway and I can't feign ignorance on the level of self sabotage that it has done unconsciously.
To put living to another day is the most disservice I can do to myself and no matter how much I can attribute to my past and getting so warped and deluded by them, the fact that I have let my life go a lot and have managed to live, if at all, is through my impulses, sudden flashes of ideas to cook a dish this way or that, sing thirupugazh, draw sometimes, but it's only when I do some job, some service for another that it feels meaningful. I do try to place others first since I am used to living through the collective conscious way and going with the others flow is what I do best. But the more I try to justify that it's working towards others and putting others before me first is all very ideal but it doesn't always sit well with me. I do this just to escape taking personal responsibility for my individual actions towards building my life and most often than not end up feeling scattered.
Procrastination is not some safe keep deposit that will yield better results tomorrow - it's just a delayed way to come to terms that nothing will change even then unless some movement, some initiative is taken today. I can offer all the excuses I want, but staying stagnant without much excitement towards my life is pretty pathetic, and I can never expect support from others when I don't brace myself to support and work on self belief as a strong foundation to do so.
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