Being true to high sensitivity

I was told I was too weak 

and born with high sensitivity which for my overwhelmed mother just Latin and Greek

I was not certified that I was a HSP, a highly sensitive person, in my infancy

For my mother it was a curse a day and a challenge on another relating to me, as I grew on a lack for feeling joyful life potency

It was all my fault I felt as the sounds, smells, crowd, moods and vibes made me withdraw in deep, unspoken fears

But all these were home to my mother as she grew up with her brothers and after losing my father came back home to them with sadness and tears

She wore victimhood as her attire and hiding behind her saree pallu(edge of the saree) made me one too

And disguised her insecurities by making me the cause of her emotional pain, her biting criticism on my sensitivities coming at me out of the blue

It was my fault and which became my stress to be good enough for her

While gulping down medicines, numbing my feelings and repressing my emotions was just my space and then became a vacuum as it stared back as my daily mirror

She never saw what I saw as she 'settled' into accepting that I cannot be 'fixed'

As I felt increasingly that being born after my father's death posthumously made me unlucky and jinxed.

I kept looking for reassurance outside of me that I was okay and 'normal' despite my high sensitivities

And was afraid to confront my mother for making this unhealthy conditioning which was a block on my creative abilities

She denied even as I confessed how another's unhealthy projections can damage one's mental strength and growth as a person

But she merely said a dismissive sorry to end the talk and I just felt angry and my numbness worsen

End Note/My takeaway: I learnt that my feelings which I had abandoned by not being there for it when it needed attention to be heard and validated needs to be reparented and nurtured and regulated, and not allow for it to become lifeless because we can never bring back people who die as it's the end of their destined time, but feelings can always come back to life if you allow yourself to be alive to it as they speak and share.