To not abandon my life, my reason for wanting to be inspired towards living with passion, with purpose, with good intent, and mindfulness are my goals
I have abandoned my life for far too long that I have lost sight of what keeps me connected to it anymore. Is it the fears, the anxiety that drew a blinding cover over my eyes that I need to be perfect in playing out the role I think I need to play in reality, and if not overthink my way through my mind overanalyzing the outcome of situations over and over again as if I need to and have to get the results right for each of the situations I interact or connect to. It's like I have unforgiving standards set for myself and for others that I expect they need to stick up for or just judge them away as if they belong in my judgements and not outside of it as simply humans like any of us.
The reality of life is simply accepting it for what life gives us - be it challenges, clarity, chaos, tears, pain, and a rush of so many emotions. Numb it as much as we want to, but life simply assumes form because of the way we project our emotions, feelings, experiences into it - it comes alive because we are still breathing life through all these forms and not only because we are living, functioning physical beings. Emotions won't take care of itself by itself as we need to process, regulate, and channel it for our good discerning, choosing, and deciding what feels best for us at that point in time.
This call for living, for not fearing to live no matter how painful, physically and emotionally it has been for me for a long time in the past is my main concern now. Not that the pains have magically vanished, but the compulsion to hold onto them, to try and see meaning in them, to imaginatively roleplay myself being more assertive, vocal, self confident, and resilient are few of the loops that made me feel placated but didn't help me move on and just made me feel stuck and stagnant for being me.
I didn't want to let others see that - to see how less inviting, dull, monotonous my life is and it has been that way for ages as if these aspects are enough to age me and keep me complacent and the grey hairs can just show up as random proof of this "being inside my mind almost always" aging.
To say the right thing, to be the right person, to do by others right, to also prove I am right were few of the unnatural things I boxed myself into as if I can't afford to be anything outside of this. And the extent of inner criticism is anything but normal - no enemy would ever get this kind of treatment the way I treat myself - it's never been right to do this with me but in order to be good for others, for seeking their validation, acceptance and support, I had trained myself unconsciously as a survival habit.
It was a mistake to be anything but perfect, always normal, calm, sorted, and everything in between - the huge gap of filling it by simply being natural, having mood swings, good days, bad days, and just having enough personal space to call it my own and learn to live in it and expand and grow in my own time were unknown things - the fog that made me more overwhelmed than the programmed ignorance I had put myself into just so that I would be accepted for who I am.
I have mourned it, this gap, this space filled with broken opportunities to be simply a human in other words and not a wooden robot who is stubborn and stuck in her own programming and needs to reboot to a connecting human frequency or frequencies from time to time.
Self expression is a privilege for me, someone who is socially selective, an introvert mostly, and loves to read people and not open up to talk and share about my life so much unless the audience is receptive. The quiet of my mind is a rare occurrence as what doesn't get spoken out, the right words, the right things to say gets replayed in various versions in my mind and so I naturally tend to listen a lot as if trying to find a voice in the midst of all my mental chatter.
I crave peace, stability, and strength of mind which is not a reflection of my physical health as I had assumed it to be but a time to time fill (of mindful content and not unwanted dump) with enough appetite left for self love, kindness, and acceptance nevertheless of what my mind is for what it is. This acceptance has been a work in progress activity of awareness as they are the spots of clear light in tunnels of thoughts and triggers.
To be still alive to clear thinking is a blessing and staying awake to it however possible is all that mattes now.
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