Don't be in hiding with your imaginations

 To feel real in my head, in my thoughts, in my day dreaming is alright. By imaging, fantasizing, I do not become weak. I just have a rich imaginative inner world and it's been a companion for filling up my thoughts and I had gotten so compulsive about staying in it that what could have been my strength in terms of expressing through imaginations and dreams on writing, through coloring, singing, and so many other creative pursuits became a suppressed way of "normalizing" my sensitivities, my physical health included. It's completely alright. As I think in hindsight, it was a placebo that became my comfort zone, my distracting space for lack of emotional regulation for frequent health sensitivities.

In fact my lack of accessing my emotions was the core reason for falling sick often. It's like making myself unavailable for my feelings, for what they wish to truly express, and what do my emotions want me to hear were all thrown out of the window as I kept looking for the door to be visible so that I can get out of this comfort zone.

Since my mother emotionally neglected me, I did the same with myself, and could not come out to express and ask anyone else for support as I was so loyally bound to her trauma and it didn't occur to me that I had and have the choice to seek support for some empathy and understanding from others. I felt like an emotional orphan growing in a physical body which is not letting go her mother's trauma for fear of coping up with anything new other than the trauma I had been already exposed to. 

When her trauma became my reality and when my sensitivity seemed a lot to take for me, I just shut myself down and the more I acted out in my imaginations and fantasies, the more I felt seen, atleast by me. It provided as the best accomplice for trying to stay invisible in a huge, emotionally chaotic family. 

Nothing is more real than my imaginations and the more that I started to live through them, the more I felt that I had a routine. It still is my routine and I do dislike switching back to actual reality to focus, but I think it's best if I learn to use my inherent imaginations and put it to good use through some form of creative outlet. And so expressing my imaginations will not be defense shield from trauma but a seamless outlet to self acceptance from within and out.

I never thought of imagination as a bridge between two worlds, but it sure seems like a beautiful way to bring myself together to offer the world my slice and view of life without trying to shy away, shrink or devalue myself for what comes out in offering through writing most likely, but there can be more to creativity than just one form of expression.