The fear and angst for not being good enough for your parent is the most primal fear possible - it's the overwhelm of processing this fear that ruptures the self trust that is so essential to reorienting with one's own energies for sustenance and growth.
I have been having excessive fear from childhood and my fight and flight have both been paralyzed by this fear and the over indulgent protection of my mother that made me feel like an object she likes to own and fix from time to time and keep it close to her. Her emotionally distant behaviour, criticisms, and ultra practical mindset which believes in doing than being made me feel like no matter what I do to be good enough for her will not be enough and so limited myself to not being true to my being which I had only a vague idea of.
How to immobilize my life is all self done and there's nothing more painful to realize that despite the environment that I grew up and its dysfunctionalities inclusive, it just felt trust betrayed as no one cares at the end of the day how you truly feel and it's upto us individuals to tap into our being and find out what it needs. I was loved but not shown how much. There had to be a why in the background I guess and I just answered it myself saying maybe I am not healthy enough, smart enough, confident enough, pretty enough and so on and came to believe all these things.
What you believe regularly and deeply becomes your truth and conditions your behaviour accordingly. Fear became my open ground and on it festered all these negatives which sapped me off core energy and thereby left me numb and under focused most of the times.
Learning to vocalize about my anxieties, to deviate with hobbies when anxiety becomes too real and life outside unreal are something that I am trying to work on. Life prepares us to face all these inner struggles as the outer world with its energies keep happening as there's no shortcut or wishful thinking to make it all go away. We can't harness our inner world with its fears, worries, and anxieties and keep obsessing whatever situations and thoughts associated with it to be overwhelmed with the above and expect life to come our way. It's how you take control of your thoughts and inner chatter and the negative egoic mind that matters and helps you balance yourself as life is not working against us, it's working for us as we allow ourselves to go through with our fears and whatever blocks and allow ourselves to release it from time to time.
I was projected my mother's fears and worries on me and her quick criticisms which made it hard for me to get her acknowledgement and acceptance for who I am as she obsessed on needing me in her life but didn't know how to value me and sadly used her fear and worry programming to keep me close to her as I gave in to her projections. Her projections became my reality as I got stuck and adapted to that and didn't know how to create and grow in a world of my own and draw in my strengths to make my life my very own reality and not someone else's expected projections that I need to keep working towards and thereby stay irritable, distant and confused at myself and also at others.
And so I project my fears, worries, expectations and stay in flights of wishful thinking and fantasies where I participant as the main protagonist and stay stuck in it until thee actual reality fits in with reality outside. The reality could be positive, healthy, or simply not what is in alignment with me and my inner world, but this block that's created blocks out life for what is and denies the open mind to accept life for what it is and it's similar to my mother's not accepting me for who I am.
So, what my mother did to me is what I am doing to myself. I am denying the need to be loved and to love myself for who I am. Life will change, shift, grow in so many dimensions that we can't even imagine in our wildest fantasies and dreams - we are just here for a while and it's almost like an open and close eye duration and it's just the projections that seem to be consuming my focus in this short span of our living.
Is being consumed in projections worth it? Adapting to limitations might have worked for me back then as a coping mechanism but adapting to such extent to lose out on conscious and clear thinking and living is taking the adapting too far. I have given space for such unhealthy adapting as a way of my living but life still remains as the not so fully loved child that needs all the care and attention that can be possibly given to it. God has trusted in us that we will take care of the life He has created at large for us and so many other species and elements along with it to coexist and live in harmony possibly so that we love our lives as we would our kid but not get blindly obsessive to want to make it cope up to our will and wish because our lives won't do that for us. We need to be able to shuffle, balance, and undo, rethink and learn new tools possibly to reparent ourselves so that we can be the caretaker that we can be to our life given.
We are born into a family, live in the midst of relationships, communities, religions, cultures, natural forces, and so much more that might help teach us to arrive at how to caretake our life.
It's a garden, the whole life, and despite our efforts some patches of green fade, some flowers bloom only seasonally, and some weeds just never seem to die. But hope springs like the rainbow at the end of the curve and life seems to come alive.
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