Truthful realization of wounds

 My grief is so deep and invisible that it has taken me decades to fully realize its presence and grieve it. My father's absence in my life since he has passed was a given since he passed away before my being born while my mother was pregnant with me, but the fact that my mother chose to become a weak link between me and my father can't be denied and it's also equally true that how my mother made me feel by being the weak link and justified her insecurity for not being integrated enough despite her understandable brokenness is entirely her doing. But the way she chose to stay connected to self pity and seeking sympathy from her brothers and their families and isolating me in the process whenever I went through a health issue and which if was reminiscent to her about my father's health and issues, she would resort to addressing her triggers and helplessness by making me feel guilty about it. She in short made me feel like a victim and since I was so stewing in my fears and anxieties and trying to avoid feeling abandoned while she body shamed and grief shamed me into making her feel sad while I was ridden with regular migraines and nausea and vomiting due to this overwhelming pressure to process all her scattered and unresolved feelings and still be good enough for her.

I used to assume it's my high sensitivity and the heat and cold temperatures outside in nature which was repeatedly in turns making me sick, but it was in fact my mother's hot and cold mood swings that made me more body volatile and withdrawn and depressed. Since I was guilt tripped and shamed enough by using my dad's absence against me and that I was a sad reminder to her specially when I got sick, I really lost sense of trusting her and since as a child I didn't know if there were other options, I just learnt to cope up with her emotional neglect which she tried to cleverly disguise by justifying that she provided everything materially for me and despite doing so that I am being ungrateful or disrespectful or repeatedly falling sick and so on.

Her gaslighting me using my dad in context hardened my grief around his absence but since I didn't vocalize my feelings with anyone whom I could trust at home and since my mom I perceived to be my closest family of all, it just broke my self trust and kept me staying stuck in a loop of validation seeking from her and self doubting myself. 

She broke me up as I allowed her to break me and never got myself together to consolidate myself -  I keep picking myself up only to realize that I have become more disorganized in regulating my moods and behavior towards myself first and can easily choose to abandon myself just for the sake of placing precedence on her emotional needs and security issues. 

My father has been unconditional being in his spirit form and I share a special bond with him. He guides and protects me in his own unique ways which I am beginning to trust as my relationship with the spirit and the Holy energies is one of a kind and it's a beautiful feeling that the deeper repressed truths that when I bring to the forefront is energetically supported as I feel the vibes of the truths expressed and owned for in my body and is also equally therapeutic as I let go and release them to surrender to Muruga's feet.

To experience this truthful realization of wounds is a beautiful undoing and gift for being highly sensitive and spiritual and self aware and sometimes intuitive.

Deaddiction from anxiety...

 I think getting addicted to anxiety became my primary means of self expression and it curtailed expanding my personality and growth. Anxiety is not entirely bad in itself because it's a defense mechanism for alerting one to understand that a healthy way to interact and survive in an environment is turned off as per one's nervous system's triggers and warnings as it senses stressors in the environment and is hence anxious. But anxiety might help wake us up from what we might be missing out on also as anxiety is a major feeler to help us stay as perfect as possible. The minimizing of errors on our part can also come to the forefront owing to our anxious alert stage but if one starts to believe that one is always at fault, then staying anxious for want of coping up with this acquired label from the environment becomes a daily habit. Even if that seeming fault seems to be having health issues now and then, but the way one is made to feel and the way one responds as if always at fault becomes a pattern that unfolds and sticks to one's mind as some kind of conditioning.

This has been my conditioning as I have mostly believed that I am at fault for causing the stress that I have caused to my mother and for triggering her past memories owing to that and that my illness, whatever that be, or however short-lived that be, is like the trauma that I have habitually bonded with in some form or the other. I have fed off this sick thought that I can survive only if I continue to cope up with pain, mostly physical, and just withdrawing further down into dull numbness and fantasizing my proactive other in my imaginations. While my mother continues to thrive on controlling off of my life and materially keeping me "safe" and "secure", but what she has made me into is a mess. 

To let go this addictive habit of staying anxious or drawing in anxiety from my mother in order to stay anxious is something that I have become aware of and try to let go. Because the more I stay anxious and get restless if I am not so, then that much numbing, sad, impulsive, reactive and so on I get. I feel sad for myself for allowing myself to become this but with mindfulness, slowing down, and journaling, feeling my feelings and letting go, I have become better at identifying how much to interact with anxiety and how unnecessary it is to prove myself over and over as it's by being oneself that one becomes who one wants to be and not by doing. 

I had and still do focus a lot on doing to be someone but the ease to slip into in order for being whatever that is is enough for me and that's not a stagnant destination -  it's a constant flow of self discovery and it's okay to feel, to make mistakes, to have mood swings, and so on.

Let it go

 I am feeling trapped in my house here with my mother. It's like I have chosen to stay enmeshed with her and don't know how to see a way out of this. And the apartment that's my mother's that needs to be sold off is also not sold off yet and I am here out of duty to facilitate selling it off and not out of love for her. I still have not released a whole lot of suppressed anger, unresolved sadness, and just simply letting it all go..Because I was so tuned into through anxiety and fear as part of conditioning by my mother that I never got to experience what being genuinely loved by her feels like. The nurturing that I got from her was seeped in her anxiety to overprotect me and fear that something might happen to me. Since appa's passing and my being born after that I guess I can understand her fears to an extent, but making someone a victim and enabling this victimhood by her anxiety and fears is really painful to let go -  it's like she has taken control of my life and just pushed about it unmindful about my boundaries and just lived on my behalf and just made me feel so helpless, lifeless, and so out of sync with my life that I do not fully know what living my life and taking control of it actually means. 

Life is uncertain, I understand, but the opportunity to have lived better doesn't repeat or come back as time lost is lost and I am deeply sorry and take responsibility for doing so. 

Having walked on egg shells all along, I don't know what it takes to freely and not looking back walk ahead looking forward to life. 

All this realization, one after the other is saddening but I am happy too to know my suppressed pains and what it feels like instead of staying numb and blindly staying attached to my mother as she had programmed me to do so, and now coming to terms with what it means to let go even if fears and anxieties crop up, but to let go the unlived times, opportunities, learnings, freedom and all, is my point of self acceptance and when done with love and kindness, it makes all the difference.

I do not wish to live the lack, loss, repression, anxiety, sadness alone as they have been part of my life and not the entirety. And they belong to the past, most of it, but I can now take the right, the power to fully look forward to being open to life and not limit it to painful portions of it and keep coping up with it and withdraw inwards and keep repressing my life. Because coping up with painful portions of my life is what felt like living my life back then, but I realize that the more I hold on to this, the more it hardens, this pain..just continuing to cope up and not releasing it is like reliving my past habit and this has to go...for my higher good, for my peace, for my mukti.

Making space for myself

 I have almost always made space for the other at the cost of staying minimally visible and repressed in my space - that's been my pattern which has made me so ill at ease in my house whether be it in Chennai or Hyderabad. And even if I found my centered space within myself without having to compromise by staying repressed, but the fact that it was owing to my other that I primarily adapted to being repressed as she took control of my life and had wanted to fix it with her overprotectiveness. 

I assumed the comfort zone provided by her materially was something I need to be grateful in turn for her emotional neglect, guilt tripping me, and expecting me to enable her emotionally even as I was a child back then. My uncle, amma' s 3rd elder brother kept me feeling intimidated and controlled and nothing that I did was good enough for him. He was a terror wherever he went and treated people like his slaves. And avoiding him, having minimal conversations with him, and remaining invisible as much as possible were ways that I used to cope up with him. 

Both my mother and her brother were controlling, each in their own way. My uncle is not alive anymore but it took a lot of grieving to let go my buried memories which was ridden with fear, anxiety, and sadness. But with my mother still being with me and having grieved for the trauma bonding that she has gotten me tuned into since appa had passed during her being pregnant with me and her projections on me by making me feel guilty for stressing her with my ill health back then and instead of nurturing me and accepting me as is has been another overbearing factor that I have had to cope up with -  what I can rightfully expect back then was upstaged and in its place just a giving in to the controllers like my uncle and my mother who got what they wanted by way of entitlement, invoking fear, and abusing others. But this block that was a huge pain in my chest has lightened up a bit as I have grieved for what I was then when coping up with such a negative environment and dysfunctional people. Because I wish to remember my journey by making way for all the cleared up space now. And no one can take away what is rightfully mine -  my growth, my learnings, my life.

To take responsibility for my life