Be a gift to yourself

 I was never seen as a child who would grow up eventually but had to be the mature one as my mother simply treated me as an infant who refused to give up the trauma and the overwhelm of delivering a baby without her husband by her side (and her having to bear the weight of pregnancy all by herself with my father's sudden demise during her first trimester) was something I could get to experience long after that episode had occurred and if I had grown up much more than the infant she still wanted me to be -  all easily manageable and pretty perfect when she used to go to office while the caretaker took care of me as an infant. But as I grew up and had a and still have high sensitivity as in bodily and also emotionally, she found that to come in the way of her functioning as an office goer smoothly and without any stress, and she made it a point to complain before everyone (her brothers wives with whom we both lived in a joint family) and made it a point to get sympathy for the situation she was in whether I had migraines, fevers, abdominal pains during pains and so on, her constant whining and feeling frustrated that she had to take care of me all by herself made it hurtful, confusing, and I started to feel more and more abandoned and wanted to remain invisible as a way to cope up the way my existence, my life was being projected as if I was a constantly repaired toy that she was really fond of but was irritated that it gave her lot of stress for being the way it is.

I could relate to myself as an 'it', as if an object which needed ultra high protection, but was treated like scrap whenever ironically I was feeling well and didn't have health problems as she would never bother talking to me any more than few lines of formal, courtesy questions just to check on me.

The how's of learning to love myself was something I looked upto from my mother and felt more disappointed, drained, confused, sad and so on as she could like me if not truly love me for who I was without any health issues, and this hardly happened even if I tried to suppress how I genuinely felt about anything in my life as I thought by suppressing any health problems, I would be better accepted.

She made me feel stressed for being who I am in whatever form of health that be and this truth I could not understand as I was not that aware back then and just tried my best to cope up with the circumstances.

She was in fact inadequate emotionally with her (im)maturity as she was not working on preparing herself to grow along with me and I had this unspoken sense of not able to be a child but to have to step to be grateful, obedient, and physically healthy in order to try to fit in into the shoes of my growing up years. I got stuck in those shoes and that affected my steps forward as it deeply affected the relationship with me and how much love and support I could provide to myself through organic self love.

Self love would only manifest if I give up the need to feel small, believe I am wrong and responsible for other people's mindsets, and genuinely let go the many layers that I had surrounded and engulfed myself in which is a constant state of disbelief for loving myself for who I am as I believed all my life that I would be loved only if I am so and so. 

And so self love is such an ignored, abandoned concept that I had disconnected from that I didn't realize that I would self sabotage my health, mental wellbeing further with one foot ready to move forward with the next steps towards my life advancement and another holding me back that it's too effort consuming, energy consuming, and that I am already sensitive and somewhat weak and so removed myself from investing myself into anything constructive for my life and wellbeing.

The intuitive nudge came in 2019 when a voice from within said that I was not true to myself and from there on my efforts started to come together but without genuine self belief and kindness towards myself, I just did the inner work of actualizing my suppressed feelings and blocks but had a lot of anger and sadness attached to it. 

It was only gradually and some 4,5 years into truth seeking that I could get a sense of how far I had moved away from myself and how important it was to move closer to myself and no amount of closeness to divine energies and gurus was enough until I felt deep down good enough about myself and had more strength in my faith.

Faith is your true and open love to your inner self and the God who lives in it and the more I started looking inward, the more it made sense that truth helped me bridge all those parts that I was disconnected with and also helped me reconcile truthfully that there's only so much I can mind and that I am not some repaired toy to be frustrated and criticize about the way my mother behaved with me.

I am a separate self, an individual who has her personal space, her energy boundaries, and there's no better way than to tend to it, take care of it, and be there for it more than trying to adapt to being there for others in order to perform as a daughter, as a niece, as a cousin, as a granddaughter, as a friend and so on which I was doing and living this way in a loop until recently. 

I do feel bad for this younger , innocent version of me who felt under pressure to be, to perform a certain way so that I could get accepted for who I am. I could never accept me for who I am without seeking validation from others. But this is a thing of the past and all this has been possible owing to my sensitivity and intuitive nature which helped me connect back to my inner truths and it has been a life changing and beautiful turn of situations, circumstances and also my choices which have all added up to becoming more and more self aware and kind to myself. 

My being open and kind has been a precious gift  which I have either given away unthinkingly and has been a thankless job, but the more I stay true to it with awareness, sensitivity and kindness, the more this gift is what I feel good about and proud about. 

Karmic Teacher

 My mother-in-law's toxicity and inner garbage has reached all new heights of psychological pollution for those around. She resists being the disinfectant that she can be and is so consumed by her own addictive need for dramatizing her emotional baggage that others can't bear weight of anymore and sends dense vibes effortlessly which others including me wish to keep away from. 

She is the pest in the garden of acceptance, forgiveness, and letting go because she can chew away on all the supportive manure and leave her root to rot and expect other flowering plants to sympathize and stop their individual growth in order to support her. She can't support herself let alone enable others in their growth. A damage beyond repair is the state of her inner emotional and mental damage and she is responsible for it.

She resists inner introspection, honestly asking herself about her behaviors, thinking patterns, and wants others to dive and sink with her in her shallow, dark insecure, moldy waters and that's really not possible, and she knows all too well but cannot resist drinking and spilling over from those same waters even if many a pot has broken completely, unable to carry the weight of her stuck emotions, mood swings, vengeful tendencies, comparing and belittling others and playing the victim card herself - I wonder how less perturbed can one be and not get overwhelmed at all by the grossness of her past traumas which wouldn't have trickled down to the gross level had she developed and strived for refining herself and seeing herself stronger and inspiring in her own way, rather than proving a point or two or more about being the victor in the victimhood and expecting her family and relatives to sympathize with her over and over.

Her traumas from her past have hardened her to stay stuck within an angered, helpless, victim mode rumination which she has not snapped out of and is a negative source of energy wherever she goes. She looks at life from her own lens and can never look beyond and see bigger at others struggles or even bother knowing how others cope up or had dealt with their respective traumas, because there's almost everyone under the sun who has gone through challenges and traumas and it's the way each of us responds which makes us who we are from within. 

And so challenges are not given to corner you or anyone in particular, but it's life's way of testing your resolve, your strength, and in helping through them for your soul to take home lessons and experiences.

My mother-in-law has been a challenge and a pain to me but has been a karmic teacher in her own way for giving me the above lesson on inner strength, as it took a lot of it, trust me, to see her for who she really is and not get infected by her toxicities.