The joy to want to live to the fullest and explore life with all its charm, unexpected glories, and beautiful surprises is what I had wanted to live for and still hope to live for. The sadness of an unexplored, unexperienced, unfelt life is huge and words can't explain the vastness of this vacuum. I lacked the willpower to be true to my life and what it could maybe unfolding. A closed bud is part of nature as well but unless it wants to experience its growth through sun, rain, heat, breeze and so on, it remains an unopened creation who is too absorbed in her past pattern of remaining closed in due to her fears, worries, tall expectations from herself, and staying stuck in whatever comfort levels of her daily life so that she can resist growing and discovering her true beauty inside and out.
I am more accessible to my mood swings, anxieties, and frustrations now having realized that they are a healthy part of growing up and do not repress in order to want to 'fit in' with the concept of ideal someone or the other. My parents' collective trauma from their individual personalities and from that of their families on them is part of my DNA maybe but the joy to being true to myself by exploring my inner world, mental, spiritual landscape is something that was not all joy at first but an unexpected yet spiritually awakening journey which asked me to affirm my true self and courageously embrace my faith in myself and on the Higher Self and Divine energies which have been guiding and protecting me from falling back into the traps of numbed feelings and unresolved emotions and fantasizing my way to make-believe reality in my head which involved my consciousness, imagination, time, and energy on that.
My reality is still a distraction away from facing myself and sitting down with what my goals are and how can I work towards them and that distraction I assume comes in the form of tv, mobile, content surfing, making grocery lists and buying home essentials from time to time, and putting my focus also on getting stuff which my mother needs from time to time. It's like as much time and space I have staying away from my true intentions and work towards manifesting them, then that much I can just forget or neglect to concentrate on myself which is and which has been my way of living - as if my feelings, frustrations, expectations, highs and lows don't matter - they do and when they have been repressed so much by further staying distracted in day dreaming and fantasizing it's like I've deprived a part of myself which is as true as the other random parts which all come together to make me who I am.
My mental health needed support but it lacked the voice to ask for help and am happy I have found my voice in reaching out and expressing what truly I am going through not just from a physical perspective but also mentally as well.
Maybe this is self love - Learning to connect with your own voice and expressing yourself through the passing situations and what I experience through it all in my own ways is key to unlocking this stuck, stagnant part in me which I have begun accessing.
When you learn to love yourself in thousand different ways and more and honor it with a well deserved space in your life, then you have understood self respect and the many beautiful ways to be grateful to yourself for being blessed with this opportunity to know yourself more and more. No one can provide that space and no one needs to approve of this space for yourself in your life. You are enough to do so.
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